Every day's an endless stream of cigarettes and magazines....
so today was an absolutely fucking TERRIBLE day.
first of all....i was in second period history...and all of a sudden....the entire massive WEIGHT of hurricane katrina, which has (thank god) alluded me until now, HIT ME!!! all of a sudden i fucking feel the loss and the grief and it finally kicks in...why? I HAVE NO FUCKING CLUE!!! IN THE MIDDLE OF FUCKING SECOND PERIOD!!!!
so i'm like sitting there in second period actually feeling like i might cry...of course, i didn't. but even feeling like i might isn't a normal occurence for me. so then....i realize something. i realize that i am homeless. how fucking depressing is that. i'm afraid to go home to new orleans for nov. 7th when school opens, and i'm scared of the option of saying in lafayette. i don't feel at home in new orleans. i don't feel at home here. i've lost my home. i am a nomad. i own a house, but i am emotionally homeless. i have a place to put my shit and a roof to sleep under, but i am homeless. it was one of the worst realizations i've had in a long time. and my parents aren't moving back to NOLA once i graduate. so i'll be coming "home" to lafayette. which isn't my home. but even if i was coming "home" to NOLA, it still wouldn't feel like home to me.
so until i get a dorm in college and set that up as my "home", i will be homeless. and even then....a dorm won't feel like my actual home, and everyone else will be talking about going "home" for the holidays.....and i will just be going to Louisiana. i will be returning to a place where i once lost everything.......and it will feel like a decade ago. and i will be depressed during christmas.
and i'm morbid, i know. but this was an ABSOLUTELY AWFUL part of my day.
well then i realize i'm TOTALLY addicted to cigarettes now, like not even fucking around any more, like i fucking NEED to stupid ass things. FUCK YOU KATRINA!!!!
then lisa and i got aggravated with people at school...and each other...it was a fucking mess.
also, i had ANOTHER sorta kinda fight with ryan. i told him about my homeless feeling, and he basicaly told me i was wrong....cuz a person can be wrong when they are telling you about THEIR OWN EMOTIONS!! like i can't expect him to be able to like understand and empathize, but he could at least listen to me and not fucking tell me that my emotions are illegitimate after i've fucking lost MY HOME!!! isn't that what "best friends" are supposed to do?
so then ryan comes over later and me and him and dinner order out dinner and bring it home to eat it. Lisa goes upstairs and he and i start talking about, basically, what we don't like about each other. i basically tell him that he acts like a woman sometimes (which is true), and he tells me that i am totally self-centered and attention-starving (which is also probably true).
i think that now that we live in the same city and hang out together so much, we are realizing things about each other that we really don't like. maybe we're actually the type of friends who can only handle each other in small doses. maybe we just never knew each other as well as we thought we did. maybe i have no fucking clue what i'm talking about and i'm just overreacting and he's still my best friend just like he's always been....my best friend who basically just wants to FUCK me and thinks i'm a self-centered, attention-starving BITCH!!! oh well.....
GOD!!! i'm sure it's gonna get better between me and ryan. maybe we just need to spend some time apart. or maybe we need to have a long, drawn-out talk about it until we work it out. good thing those two options are TOTALLY FUCKING OPPOSITE and still leave me with ABSOLUTELY NO INSIGHT on what i should do. and if we talked about it, what would we talk about anyway??? i don't think we even know what the fucking PROBLEM is!!!....well, i guess that's what we would talk about then...try to figure that out.
oh well..... well, ryan i love you. you know that. ughhhhh
i think i've just been having a few really bad days. today was definitely the worst. but i've been having A LOT OF ANXIETY about the decision about moving back home or staying in lafayette. maybe i'm just taking it on him. maybe it's my fault. totally possible.
i don't feel like thinking about this shit anymore. i just wanna go to bed, but instead i have to fucking vacuum and clean and shit because my "house", not my HOME, is fucking disgusting and my mother, who is coming home in like 5 fucking minutes, expects it to be clean when she gets here. oh well, she can fucking kick me out of the house right now for all i care.
I'M FUCKING HOMELESS ANYWAY!!!!
and...yes i know...i'm also melodramatic...oh well, fuck you
AND FUCK THIS DAY!!!!
strong wind destroy our home
maybe dead, tonight it could be you
strong wind, strong wind
maybe dead, tonight it could be you
homeward bound
i wish i was homeward bound
home, where my thought's escaping
home, where my music's playing
home, where my love lies waiting silently for me
every day's an endless stream of cigarettes and magazines
and each town looks the same to me, the movies and the factories
and every stranger's face i see reminds me that i long to be
homeward bound
i wish i was homeward bound
tonight i'll sing my songs again
i'll play the game and pretend
but all my words come back to me
in shades of mediocrity.
like emptiness in harmony, i need someone to comfort me
homeward bound
i wish i was homeward bound
home, where my thought's escaping
home, where my music's playing
home, where my love lies waiting silently for me
silenty for me