baby, did you forget to take your meds?
ok, it's been a long time since i made a 'real' entry. and i'm not so sure how 'real' this one is going to be either. i'm half a bottle of wine down, which reminds me, must go get my glass...much better.
hated my job. got laid off. got re-hired, hate my job again. that's pretty much it on the work front. hooray for working with a bunch of self-involved, lazy pricks who don't give a shit about the monkeys.
my grandma died yesterday. it hasn't hit me yet. it won't until wednesday night or thursday at the funeral. she was ready to die. we'll leave it at that.
i'm finding myself pining for a boy 7 years younger than me. i thought we were at least friends. but apparently not.
i'm getting sick of this shit. why do i always give and give and give, and yet never get anything in return? i constantly find myself in situations where i'm taking care of someone or being a shoulder for someone to lean on or being the only reliable person in a room. am i just a huge pushover? do i have 'please take advantage of me' written on my forehead? is it that i'm too good of a person or not a good person at all? am i destined to be too independant to rely on anyone else yet not independant enough to go out and do things on my own?
some of you out there actually know me. do me a favor: tell me what you really think of me. it can be anoymous if you like. i don't really care. i want honest opinions and impressions of my persona. no holds barred.
ya know what's kinda pathetic? there were times in my life where i thought of killing myself. of just not living anymore and how much easier that would be. ya know what stopped me? responsibility. i either had to work and didn't want to leave someone else to have to cover or i'd worry about who would take care of my cats or my monkeys or something like that. are these just stupid excuses that my brain would come up with for me to not do it or my genuine feelings as to what i'm worth to this world? do i truly believe that i just exist to please others? is that really my only goal in life?
and i'm pining for a boy 7 years younger than me. and i shouldn't be. it's not worth it. just like most things i've pined for in my life. there are so many reasons. and am i only pining because he's suddenly not calling? i always want what i can't have.
funeral's on thursday. i hate funerals. i've only been to 2 in my life that i can remember. which i guess some would consider lucky. one was my uncle. i was pretty young. the other was a good friend from high school that i'd lost touch with. why do we do that? only realize how much we'd miss something until it's actually gone? you'd think we'd learn...humans are pretty stupid ya know.
i don't know that i've felt more lonely ever in my life than i have the past few days. i don't have anyone i can turn to. someone who's always there for me, no matter what. someone who cares for me. someone who will tell me how great and beautiful and wonderfully fantastic i am even when i don't believe it myself. i've never really had that. i've had boyfriends, but they never really seemed to care about me. they seemed to just always care about how much i cared about them. are there good people left in this world? some days i really doubt it.
i'm stopping now. before i forget how.
thanks for stopping by san diego.
hated my job. got laid off. got re-hired, hate my job again. that's pretty much it on the work front. hooray for working with a bunch of self-involved, lazy pricks who don't give a shit about the monkeys.
my grandma died yesterday. it hasn't hit me yet. it won't until wednesday night or thursday at the funeral. she was ready to die. we'll leave it at that.
i'm finding myself pining for a boy 7 years younger than me. i thought we were at least friends. but apparently not.
i'm getting sick of this shit. why do i always give and give and give, and yet never get anything in return? i constantly find myself in situations where i'm taking care of someone or being a shoulder for someone to lean on or being the only reliable person in a room. am i just a huge pushover? do i have 'please take advantage of me' written on my forehead? is it that i'm too good of a person or not a good person at all? am i destined to be too independant to rely on anyone else yet not independant enough to go out and do things on my own?
some of you out there actually know me. do me a favor: tell me what you really think of me. it can be anoymous if you like. i don't really care. i want honest opinions and impressions of my persona. no holds barred.
ya know what's kinda pathetic? there were times in my life where i thought of killing myself. of just not living anymore and how much easier that would be. ya know what stopped me? responsibility. i either had to work and didn't want to leave someone else to have to cover or i'd worry about who would take care of my cats or my monkeys or something like that. are these just stupid excuses that my brain would come up with for me to not do it or my genuine feelings as to what i'm worth to this world? do i truly believe that i just exist to please others? is that really my only goal in life?
and i'm pining for a boy 7 years younger than me. and i shouldn't be. it's not worth it. just like most things i've pined for in my life. there are so many reasons. and am i only pining because he's suddenly not calling? i always want what i can't have.
funeral's on thursday. i hate funerals. i've only been to 2 in my life that i can remember. which i guess some would consider lucky. one was my uncle. i was pretty young. the other was a good friend from high school that i'd lost touch with. why do we do that? only realize how much we'd miss something until it's actually gone? you'd think we'd learn...humans are pretty stupid ya know.
i don't know that i've felt more lonely ever in my life than i have the past few days. i don't have anyone i can turn to. someone who's always there for me, no matter what. someone who cares for me. someone who will tell me how great and beautiful and wonderfully fantastic i am even when i don't believe it myself. i've never really had that. i've had boyfriends, but they never really seemed to care about me. they seemed to just always care about how much i cared about them. are there good people left in this world? some days i really doubt it.
i'm stopping now. before i forget how.
thanks for stopping by san diego.