magical realism
I still engage in magical thinking. Been doing it since I was knee-high to a june bug and I reckon it'll still be something haunting my mind 'til I shut my eyes that last time.
The biggest magic of 2020 is not surviving the pandemic, by no means, but rather buying my car. Not just any car but a car I really wanted to fulfill my vanity and give me the little creature comforts I've missed for more than a decade. I mean my beloved Volkswagen didn't have power windows, for heaven's sake. While the VW was a good car, it didn't have everything I wanted out of a car.
Despite the odds of an adversarial relationship trying to keep me from controlling my money, and thanks to the stimulus, I made it fucking happen. Seeing myself bring something into reality by my will, even if by phenomenal means, emboldened me.
Better yet, the car gave me mobility. Many times I've gone for drives, just for the hell of it, after feeling homebound for years or too embarassed by the appearances of the late, lamented 1995 Mercury Cougar. On top of that, I made a new good friend and hope to forment yet another good friendship.
Last week when She returned from her week-long stay in South Carolina, She was a complete pisspot and decided to tear into me about why I'm not what she wants out of life and decided to change the rules a quarter of the way through the game.
Again.
That was a kick to the nuts. On top of that, my new good friend was like "I think we need a little distance for now", and when I phoned my therapist to talk about good things the entire conversation felt like "oh my god who is this person get the fuck off my line i couldn't care less". I'm already getting the attitude of, "I'm a pretty girl and too good for you, for the love of god leave me alone" from Her but from my therapist?
This morning I exercised my agency in life. I need to remember that I need to do something rather than wait for things to come to me. Like Hagan in the adaption of Man in the High Castle said, "The problem with promising people their reward in heaven is they're liable to sit on their asses here on Earth, eating shit and hoping they'll sprout wings real soon."
Or the Chinese parable of the farmer. One day a farmer was working his field when a rabbit dashed acrosss, crashed into a nearby stump, killing emself. The farmer ate well that night. Two weeks later the farmer starved to death, staring at the stump and waiting for another rabbit to come along.
Bowie sang in his song Quicksand, "And I ain't got the power anymore".
I think I'm finding mine again. I need to trust in myself rather than the opinions of others, and do things with my hands.
The biggest magic of 2020 is not surviving the pandemic, by no means, but rather buying my car. Not just any car but a car I really wanted to fulfill my vanity and give me the little creature comforts I've missed for more than a decade. I mean my beloved Volkswagen didn't have power windows, for heaven's sake. While the VW was a good car, it didn't have everything I wanted out of a car.
Despite the odds of an adversarial relationship trying to keep me from controlling my money, and thanks to the stimulus, I made it fucking happen. Seeing myself bring something into reality by my will, even if by phenomenal means, emboldened me.
Better yet, the car gave me mobility. Many times I've gone for drives, just for the hell of it, after feeling homebound for years or too embarassed by the appearances of the late, lamented 1995 Mercury Cougar. On top of that, I made a new good friend and hope to forment yet another good friendship.
Last week when She returned from her week-long stay in South Carolina, She was a complete pisspot and decided to tear into me about why I'm not what she wants out of life and decided to change the rules a quarter of the way through the game.
Again.
That was a kick to the nuts. On top of that, my new good friend was like "I think we need a little distance for now", and when I phoned my therapist to talk about good things the entire conversation felt like "oh my god who is this person get the fuck off my line i couldn't care less". I'm already getting the attitude of, "I'm a pretty girl and too good for you, for the love of god leave me alone" from Her but from my therapist?
This morning I exercised my agency in life. I need to remember that I need to do something rather than wait for things to come to me. Like Hagan in the adaption of Man in the High Castle said, "The problem with promising people their reward in heaven is they're liable to sit on their asses here on Earth, eating shit and hoping they'll sprout wings real soon."
Or the Chinese parable of the farmer. One day a farmer was working his field when a rabbit dashed acrosss, crashed into a nearby stump, killing emself. The farmer ate well that night. Two weeks later the farmer starved to death, staring at the stump and waiting for another rabbit to come along.
Bowie sang in his song Quicksand, "And I ain't got the power anymore".
I think I'm finding mine again. I need to trust in myself rather than the opinions of others, and do things with my hands.