Fanfic
Not been on here in a long time, and have never written fanfic before, so might as well combine the two.
Curious Nobby
It was a pleasant spring night in Ankh Morpork, which meant the rain was pouring down, but in a way that at least suppressed the smell of the Ankh, as the fat, heavy raindrops covered the slow-moving ankh with a layer of acid rain. Sergeant Colon and Corporal Nobbs, had taken a usual duty, guarding one of the city's cultural gems.
The Temple of Small Gods would not have been considered the most beautiful, or valuable of the city's landmarks, but had been chosen with ineffable logic. Rarely amongst its peers it was butted by lesser buildings and this meant the back door sat underneath the eaves of several buildings. It was sensible that, on such a night, someone would only want to pick a lock out of the rain, and was, therefore the most likely target. Colon and Nobby were tucked back under the shelter, where they could see all comers without the rain dripping in their eyes.
So far the duty was a success, the temple still sat in the rain, safe from masonry thieves. Nobby decided to reward himself with a smoke, and as he reached up behind his ear, decided to broach a subject that had been on his mind for a while.
"Sarge," he said
"Yes, Nobby"
"Have you ever been curious?"
Colon's brow wrinkled, "You mean like, being curious about the tea kitty or bring curious about whether the back door to Bearhugger's distillery has been securely locked?"
"No, Fred I mean... about men,"
"Like being curious, why Done it Duncan always says he did, or why two blokes are pushing a ladder on to the Mint roof?"
Nobby decided to take a different tack.
"No, Fred, I mean... you were in the regiments weren't you?"
"I was,"
"And you know how some blokes would get lonely, and bunk together"
"Ah yes, I remember how when I was in the Duke of Eorle's light foot were caught in the Dark Pass at Hogswatch the privates all huddled up to keep warm,".
"Close, Fred, but they sometimes did it when they weren't cold,"
Fred cast his mind back, the Duke of Eorle's attitude to war was that drill was paramount, and a day without a forced march was a wasted day. As they were sometimes asked to hold a position, sixteen hours of countermarching left him tired to notice much when he bedded down.
"I remember we were billeted in Old Rat, you know on the way to Pseudopolis,".
"Yeah"
"Well, two of the officers bunked in the honeymoon suite, as they couldn't decide which captain should get the double bed. But I wasn't really curious, I would have bedded down with y-,". He thought twice on that one, "with Detritus for a mattress after marching round that pub four hundred and eighty seven times,".
Nobby felt he was getting somewhere, Gods knew what ruperts got up to, "Well, d'ya think they just slept?"
Colon searched his imagination, "Er... they probably soaked their bunions,".
Nobby decided it was time to be direct, "Yeah but do you think they may have had a bit of the old, Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink,".
Colon opened his mouth, then thought, closed his mouth, opened it again. His eyes bulged and eventually he blurted, "Why in the seven hells would they have done that, Nobby?".
"Well, they was probably in public school, not seen a woman in years, both felt a bit, you know, lonely,".
"How bloody lonely do you have to be, Nobby?"
Nobby thought himself for a moment, "Perhaps not lonely then, like a bloke has needs, don't he?"
"Needs?"
"Like, you know how you only see notes from your missus,".
"And dinner in the oven, and clean sheets, those are needs,".
"Yes, Sarge, but there must have been things you used to do together, that you miss,".
"Is this that bloody morris dancin' again Nobby. I told you that fertilility nonsense'd do you a mischief,".
"No, I just think a feller should keep his options open. Like Carrot sleeping with Angua, and there's that post office bloke who's at it with a golem,".
"She's a woman, Nobby, flesh and blood and in an out bits, and Angua too,".
Colon and Nobby both stopped for a moment at this, and then realised they were thinking about an officer in that way, and Nobby quickly broke the spell
"Yeah, Sarge but she's a werewolf, and that golem woman's practically rock, she smokes like a volcano, and they're rocks,".
"C'mon, Nobby we don't call 'em rocks no more, they're in the watch now,"
"See, see, you admit she is one though,".
"Yers, I suppose, but what's that got to do with anything?".
"Well, if we let dwarves and trolls and all sorts in the city, and we start to you, you know, do it with them. What's so bad about two blokes doing it too, like it's better to stick to your own, right? And dwarves, they're all men aren't they, and they have... little dwarves,".
Colon started to do the mouthing again, then decided to stick with what he knew. "They don't have the right bits, right? That's why,".
"Yeah, but people don't just do it with those bits. They say there's a girl down the shades that'll take your privates down a dark pass,".
Colon's brow wrinkled again, "You mean she's Sergeant Major Hardthrasher?".
"I think she does that too, Sarge,".
"He never did anything to anyone's bits I saw,". He knew he was on stabler facts here.
"Forget Hardthrasher, Sarge, I just wanna know if it's ok for men and wolves or, dwarves and more dwarves, is it ok for men and men?".
Colon considered himself open-minded, but this concept needed a lot of fitting in, he puffed and blew a few minutes, while Nobby shifted uneasily, and came to a conclusion. "I suppose yes, Nobby,".
Nobby answered quicker than Fred would have liked, "And you know how men and women are friends when they start going out?".
Colon checked the phrase for traps, and hesitantly said, "I know that,".
"Well, we're friends aren't we Fred?".
Colon shot to attention, his best parade-ground voice burst from his chest, " I THINK PERHAPS, CORPORAL WE SHOULD GO AND CHECK THE BRASS BRIDGE IS STILL THERE!". He performed a quick right turn and marched off into the disc's biggest cold shower.
Nobby sidled after, his head bowed.
Curious Nobby
It was a pleasant spring night in Ankh Morpork, which meant the rain was pouring down, but in a way that at least suppressed the smell of the Ankh, as the fat, heavy raindrops covered the slow-moving ankh with a layer of acid rain. Sergeant Colon and Corporal Nobbs, had taken a usual duty, guarding one of the city's cultural gems.
The Temple of Small Gods would not have been considered the most beautiful, or valuable of the city's landmarks, but had been chosen with ineffable logic. Rarely amongst its peers it was butted by lesser buildings and this meant the back door sat underneath the eaves of several buildings. It was sensible that, on such a night, someone would only want to pick a lock out of the rain, and was, therefore the most likely target. Colon and Nobby were tucked back under the shelter, where they could see all comers without the rain dripping in their eyes.
So far the duty was a success, the temple still sat in the rain, safe from masonry thieves. Nobby decided to reward himself with a smoke, and as he reached up behind his ear, decided to broach a subject that had been on his mind for a while.
"Sarge," he said
"Yes, Nobby"
"Have you ever been curious?"
Colon's brow wrinkled, "You mean like, being curious about the tea kitty or bring curious about whether the back door to Bearhugger's distillery has been securely locked?"
"No, Fred I mean... about men,"
"Like being curious, why Done it Duncan always says he did, or why two blokes are pushing a ladder on to the Mint roof?"
Nobby decided to take a different tack.
"No, Fred, I mean... you were in the regiments weren't you?"
"I was,"
"And you know how some blokes would get lonely, and bunk together"
"Ah yes, I remember how when I was in the Duke of Eorle's light foot were caught in the Dark Pass at Hogswatch the privates all huddled up to keep warm,".
"Close, Fred, but they sometimes did it when they weren't cold,"
Fred cast his mind back, the Duke of Eorle's attitude to war was that drill was paramount, and a day without a forced march was a wasted day. As they were sometimes asked to hold a position, sixteen hours of countermarching left him tired to notice much when he bedded down.
"I remember we were billeted in Old Rat, you know on the way to Pseudopolis,".
"Yeah"
"Well, two of the officers bunked in the honeymoon suite, as they couldn't decide which captain should get the double bed. But I wasn't really curious, I would have bedded down with y-,". He thought twice on that one, "with Detritus for a mattress after marching round that pub four hundred and eighty seven times,".
Nobby felt he was getting somewhere, Gods knew what ruperts got up to, "Well, d'ya think they just slept?"
Colon searched his imagination, "Er... they probably soaked their bunions,".
Nobby decided it was time to be direct, "Yeah but do you think they may have had a bit of the old, Nudge Nudge, Wink Wink,".
Colon opened his mouth, then thought, closed his mouth, opened it again. His eyes bulged and eventually he blurted, "Why in the seven hells would they have done that, Nobby?".
"Well, they was probably in public school, not seen a woman in years, both felt a bit, you know, lonely,".
"How bloody lonely do you have to be, Nobby?"
Nobby thought himself for a moment, "Perhaps not lonely then, like a bloke has needs, don't he?"
"Needs?"
"Like, you know how you only see notes from your missus,".
"And dinner in the oven, and clean sheets, those are needs,".
"Yes, Sarge, but there must have been things you used to do together, that you miss,".
"Is this that bloody morris dancin' again Nobby. I told you that fertilility nonsense'd do you a mischief,".
"No, I just think a feller should keep his options open. Like Carrot sleeping with Angua, and there's that post office bloke who's at it with a golem,".
"She's a woman, Nobby, flesh and blood and in an out bits, and Angua too,".
Colon and Nobby both stopped for a moment at this, and then realised they were thinking about an officer in that way, and Nobby quickly broke the spell
"Yeah, Sarge but she's a werewolf, and that golem woman's practically rock, she smokes like a volcano, and they're rocks,".
"C'mon, Nobby we don't call 'em rocks no more, they're in the watch now,"
"See, see, you admit she is one though,".
"Yers, I suppose, but what's that got to do with anything?".
"Well, if we let dwarves and trolls and all sorts in the city, and we start to you, you know, do it with them. What's so bad about two blokes doing it too, like it's better to stick to your own, right? And dwarves, they're all men aren't they, and they have... little dwarves,".
Colon started to do the mouthing again, then decided to stick with what he knew. "They don't have the right bits, right? That's why,".
"Yeah, but people don't just do it with those bits. They say there's a girl down the shades that'll take your privates down a dark pass,".
Colon's brow wrinkled again, "You mean she's Sergeant Major Hardthrasher?".
"I think she does that too, Sarge,".
"He never did anything to anyone's bits I saw,". He knew he was on stabler facts here.
"Forget Hardthrasher, Sarge, I just wanna know if it's ok for men and wolves or, dwarves and more dwarves, is it ok for men and men?".
Colon considered himself open-minded, but this concept needed a lot of fitting in, he puffed and blew a few minutes, while Nobby shifted uneasily, and came to a conclusion. "I suppose yes, Nobby,".
Nobby answered quicker than Fred would have liked, "And you know how men and women are friends when they start going out?".
Colon checked the phrase for traps, and hesitantly said, "I know that,".
"Well, we're friends aren't we Fred?".
Colon shot to attention, his best parade-ground voice burst from his chest, " I THINK PERHAPS, CORPORAL WE SHOULD GO AND CHECK THE BRASS BRIDGE IS STILL THERE!". He performed a quick right turn and marched off into the disc's biggest cold shower.
Nobby sidled after, his head bowed.