Ninjas don't have depression.
My goal in karate (did I mention I settled on taking karate? I settled on taking karate.) isn't so much to get good at karate as it is to - convince myself that I'm not uniquely hopeless, in a sense? I've never really experienced "practice thing, get better at thing" before, so part of me is convinced that I'm always going to be this weak and cowardly and useless. Compared to not being that anymore, gaining some martial arts prowess is completely secondary. I've set myself an extremely low bar: just don't quit. Don't quit, and see what happens.
Tonight was my fifth class - I'd been away for a couple of weeks due to holiday up north (lol, lookit me dropping Britishisms) or it would've been my seventh. I guess I'm slowly getting more comfortable with the sensei & classmates (sempai, I guess), because I found myself blurting out self-deprecations during the pair-ups. Most of them I think came across as jokes, but at one point I was paired with the assistant sensei and wound up making her stand there and make soothing noises at me before we could actually get down to business*. Just - my new mantra is shut up and punch, I swear. *face in hands*
I... am pretty sure my issues are just gonna bubble up if I stick to don't quit, because that is Wut Issues Do. I just need to find a way to sit on them until class is over. They don't need to deal with the crap that spins around in my head all the time.
Shut up and punch, shut up and punch, shut up and punch. Debrief with yourself on the walk home. Just shut up and punch.
*To defeat! The Huns! ...sorry. ^_^
Tonight was my fifth class - I'd been away for a couple of weeks due to holiday up north (lol, lookit me dropping Britishisms) or it would've been my seventh. I guess I'm slowly getting more comfortable with the sensei & classmates (sempai, I guess), because I found myself blurting out self-deprecations during the pair-ups. Most of them I think came across as jokes, but at one point I was paired with the assistant sensei and wound up making her stand there and make soothing noises at me before we could actually get down to business*. Just - my new mantra is shut up and punch, I swear. *face in hands*
I... am pretty sure my issues are just gonna bubble up if I stick to don't quit, because that is Wut Issues Do. I just need to find a way to sit on them until class is over. They don't need to deal with the crap that spins around in my head all the time.
Shut up and punch, shut up and punch, shut up and punch. Debrief with yourself on the walk home. Just shut up and punch.
*To defeat! The Huns! ...sorry. ^_^