Back again...
I never thought I'd actually be posting on LJ again. Ever since I got this laptop I've been thinking about it. It is easier now that I have a computer away from home. The only problem is... do I really want to talk about my problems like I used to? I'm afraid I might upset someone. And are my old LJ friends even still on here? Would they even still talk to me? Even if not, it may help me to vent. I've been holding back how I feel for far too long. Maybe I just needed to get it out the whole time.
He said we could get together today. He said. Then his 7-3:30 shift went until 5:30 because they needed a COC. How or why it all happened? I don't know because I called off today. Because I'm stupid and I don't drive in the snow. Just like he said he'd help me with and still hasn't. Just like learning to cook and do laundry. Things that people never took the time to teach me and now I'm scared of doing it because I'll screw up and make someone mad. I know I shouldn't care about that, but when there's pots, pans, paid for food, and clothes at risk, it may be best to be cautious. I'm sick of living with so much trust. I used to do a few things here and there. Now I just wait for him. And that used to work. He used to do things with me too. We are six days away from our one year. I am so pissed because the way we started is how we should be now and the way we are now is how we should have started. I always get an "I don't know" answer. It didn't use to be this way. I think it's me. Maybe I should give up. I should have never tried to be a girlfriend. I've done something to push him away and now I sit around on my ass all day when he's not around. I used to see him everyday. Now I have to ask myself if I'll get to see him that week. I feel like it's only me trying. Nothing used to keep us apart.
I spent the day sitting on my bed going between Neopets and Castlevania and making a movie and various cartoons only to find I was waiting for nothing. I used to have friends in school before I graduated. Why am I a ghost now? Only a few lasted afterwards, but just a few months. I have nothing. Rob is it. And when he's not there, what do I have? I feel like calling him right now, but it would get me nowhere. Again. I'm sick of nowhere. I keep looking out the window because there's still a little bit of hope in my mind. He said he wants things to be better. He said.