How To Annoy Snape: Part The Second.
And incase you are wondering where the hell the other 150 are.
I totally forgot that I meant to post the second half of this. It never ceases to make me snerk regardless of shitty happenings in my lacklustre love life at the moment. Abundance of Snape = THE antidote.
Does anyone else see two Snape's in the books? The Professor and the man? I do. Professor Snape is someone I can be amused by and someone I can humour, Severus Snape (including young Severus) is someone much more personal. I don't know. I'm a strange girl.
How To Annoy Snape
151. Babble incoherently in class until you've lost all your house points.
152. Set up a shrine to him. Somewhere very public.
153. When he leans over your cauldron to inspect your work, reach out and pin a S.P.E.W badge on him.
154. Shout suddenly in the middle of class 'Ooh, sir, hold that pose!' and quickly begin sketching him.
155. Steal quietly up behind him, lift his robes, raise your hot-iron and brand his neck with a mark of your own.
156. Fill his bed with small, adorable, fluffy creatures. While he's in it.
157. Tell him that you 'know'. Tap the side of your nose and nod knowingly.
158. Weep openly when he gives you detention.
159. Casually mention you're thinking of changing your name to Severus.
160. Ponder aloud on the colour of his underwear.
161. Whistle the march from 'Bridge on The River Kwai' as you follow him down to one of the many detentions you are likely to receive.
162. Observe him. Take notes.
163. Become an Animagus. Be very cute. Try to get him adopt you.
164. Try to get him adopt you anyway.
165. Forbid anyone to touch him. Enforce the rule.
166. Chain yourself to him and go limp.
167. When his food arrives at mealtime, jump out of your seat, dash up to the high table and insist on tasting the food before he has a bite. 'Just in case.'
168. For the duration of each meal, jump out of your seat at random moments, dash up to the high table and ask if he wants anything on that, waving condiments madly.
169. Carve small likeness's of him. Leave them around the school.
170. Have him committed.
171. Ask him to teach you how to tango.
172. Crash Death-Eater revels shouting 'Sev! You had a party and you didn't invite me? I'm hurt!'
173. Transfigure his robes into a safari-suit. Wear one yourself. Dance about and slap him with pilchards.
174. While he's out, fill his rooms completely, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, with balloons.
175. Ask him if he wants to meet your mother.
176. Ask him everyday if he'll show you 'that stopper-in-death trick, that sounded neat.'
177. Put up your hand eagerly in class when he asks a question. If he calls on you, ignore his question and say 'Sir? Can you do this?' Then perform stupid party face-tricks. (Ie: roll your tongue, flip your eyelids or
wiggle your ears)
178. Faint regularly in his class.
179. Anytime you catch his eye, mouth something undecipherable at him. Make it look urgent.
180. Write and choreograph a play about him for the school to perform. 'Severus: The Musical'.
181. Cast yourself in the lead.
182. And all the other roles.
183. Make him daisy-chains. Enquire frequently as to why he doesn't wear them.
184. Refer to him as 'Lord and Master of all things Slimy'
185. Chase him.
186. Throw your arms around him on random occasions.
187. Sing 'The Lumberjack Song' at him endlessly.
188. Dedicate essays to him.
189. Trip him up in the halls. Every single chance you get.
190. Approach. Kneel. Propose. Run.
191. Become his campaign manager for an election you've invented. Hang 'Vote Snape' signs. Wear a badge.
192. When he leans in to see the contents of your cauldron, whack him over the head, scream 'Tag! You're it!' and dash out of the classroom, giggling.
193. Paint a portrait of him. Use your imagination. Insist on hanging it in the Great Hall.
194. Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.
195. 'Prozac, sir?'
196. Laugh enthusiastically at any mild joke or sarcasm that leaves his mouth. Laugh for about 10 minutes longer than necessary. Laugh until you cry.
197. Breed koalas in his bathroom.
198. Lie down in puddles and beg him to step on you rather than get his feet soggy.
199. Enquire of him if he would like to borrow some shampoo.
200. Find a website focusing on really bad Snape/Harry slash-fic. Print them off and owl them to him regularly.
201. Write a list of all the things you could do to him!
202. Always be five strides ahead of him, rolling out an endless red carpet.
203. Present him, each morning, with a sack-lunch for the day. In a kiddie's lunchpail of course.
204. Sneak up behind him. Go 'Boo!' and giggle. Walk away mumbling that you 'got him good'.
205. Shave his head while he sleeps.
206. Keep the hair. Have fun with Polyjuice.
207. Offer to assist him with his love-life.
208. Run to pull his chair out for him at mealtimes.
209. Charm him to talk with an awful Australian accent. And use awful stereotypical Australian slang. Think Crocodile Hunter. Think Crocodile Dundee.
210. Wolf-howl loudly from a VERY good hiding place.
211. Call him 'Flicky Flickerton' by accident.
212. In fact, call him by a different name every time you see him. 'Tinkerbell' 'Spot' and 'Twinkle-Toes' should go down well.
213. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you.
214. Try to get him to dance the Hokey-Pokey. Demonstrate.
215. Tell him to pick on somebody his own size. Stand on your tiptoes and suggest yourself.
216. Run into his quarters excitedly, grab him and drag him outside. Point at a cloud that you insist 'looks JUST like you sir!'.
217. Make him play 'Monopoly' with you. Win.
218. Attempt to hide inside his robes whenever Neville Longbottom's potion threatens to explode.
219. Grab a friend. Grab his wand. Play 'Snapey-in-the-middle'.
220. Make vague allusions to having been witness to his birth.
221. Run after him in the halls with Christmas Crackers. Insist he crack one with you. Insist he wear the silly paper hat that emerges.
222. Ensure your potions explode directly in his face. When they do say 'That'll teach ya!'
223. When you see him coming, lie down in the hallway. Insist that you 'have fallen and can't get up'.
224. One word: Veritaserum
225. Two words: Cotton Candy
226. Bounce up and down with anticipation until he begins each class.
227. Tell him he's 'Snape-tastic!'
228. 'Snape-o-riffic!' works just as well.
229. Get him stoned. Be ready with meat-pies and Twinkies when he gets the munchies.
230. As he stalks by, enquire loudly of your friends if he 'isn't just the cutest little thing you ever did see?'
231. In his class, hold your breath until you turn purple and pass out. Every lesson
232. Charm his eyes red and his hair white. In other words, turn him albino.
233. Look at him. Give him over-exaggerated expressions. Change your expression every 5 seconds. 'Excited' Scared' 'Thoughtful' 'Angry' 'Sad' 'Demure' etc
234. Enjoy his classes a little *too* much.
235. Enquire after his health.
236. Enquire after his wealth.
237. Enquire after his boxers.
238. Ask him if he's related to Basil Fawlty.
239. Anytime you see him venture out of doors, grab your broomstick and take off. Continually swoop him until he runs inside again.
240. Hide under your desk in potions. Pretend you're sure he can't see you. Even if he bends to look straight down on you.
241. Form a choir. Stand behind him as he teaches. Sing hymns and drinking songs softly throughout lessons.
242. Tackle him.
243. Relate to him in great detail the dreams you had the previous night. Tell what you think the deeper meaning of them is. Be specific, long-winded and horribly pretentious.
244. Steal his Death-Eater robes.
245. Give them back. Dyed yellow, of course.
246. Waggle your eyebrows suggestively at him. Whenever you feel the moment is right.
247. Charm his robes to look tye-died and give him circular sunglasses.
248. Sneak up behind him. Blindfold him. Spin him in circles a few times. Run away.
249. Learn basic Muggle magic tricks. Call yourself The Great Snape-ini. Constantly approach him with a deck of cards, imploring him to 'Pick a card, any card!'
250. Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class.
251. Wait to one side of the staff room door with a club in your hands. Bash him over the head and knock him out when he emerges. Do this every day until he is scared to leave the staff room.
252. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 70's grunge rocker. Add a neck-slung guitar.
253. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 80's punk. Leathers, make-up, zippers n' all.
254. Pierce one of his ears while he sleeps.
255. Ask him to try a potion you've just concocted with random ingredients. Promise him that 'It'll knock your socks off'
256. Follow him around quoting 'The Sunscreen Song'
257. Transfigure random articles in the potions classroom into butterflies.
258. Procure his mother's address. Owl her frequently with 'reports' on her son.
259. Grab his arms. Swing him around. Sing 'Make your own kind of music Sing your own special song, Make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along!'. Let him go. Run
260. Ask him how old he is.
261. Sit there in class staring at him. Do this all year and fail the class.
262. Push him in the lake.
263. Wear a tutu to class. When he berates you tell him 'If you're really that jealous, you can try it on later.'
264. Charm a music box that plays "Greensleeves' into never stopping. Make it invisible and leave it in his quarters.
265. 'Are you cheating on me?'
266. Give him a Metallica T-Shirt for his birthday.
267. Bake him a cake!
268. Encourage him to take up knitting.
269. Attempt to carve your name into his arm.
270. Chant softly. 'Snape Snape Snape...' whenever he walks by. Continue until he is out of hearing range.
271. Promise him a puppy.
272. Leave a yo-yo in his quarters with a note that says 'Keep this with you always. It may save your life someday.'
273. Follow him around, frantically writing anything he ever says to anyone at anytime.
274. When he looks like he's about to snap at someone shout 'Sic 'em Severus!'
275. Get a good run-up. Jump on his back and shout 'Piggy-Back! Piggy-Back'
276. Pretend to fall over anytime he is within 5 feet of you. Land on him.
277. If he is more than 5 feet away from you, but still within striking distance, launch yourself at him.
278. Owl him (anonymously) random articles from a Muggle publication known as 'The Enquirer' Attach notes to them stating that he should 'study these carefully. They contain clues.'
279. Should he receive the minutest injury, mother him excessively and drag him by the robes to Madam Pomfrey. (I'm talking paper-cuts and toe-stubbings here)
280. Ask him about his childhood.
281. Get the potions class to do a wave when he enters the room.
282. Ask him the particulars of his relationship with Lucius Malfoy.
283. When he leans down to inspect your work - pull out a small length of yarn and dangle it in his face as you would a cat.
284. Insist that the lunch you just had was 'Snape-a-licious!'
285. Make a trail of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans from the Gryffindor Towers to his door.
286. At the end of each potions class, leave him a 'report card' detailing how you think he did that lesson. Comments like 'has potential' 'adequate' and 'moderately intimidating' are perfect.
287. Conjure up bright blue suspenders to appear over his robes in the middle of class.
288. Repeat every thing he says, just after he says it, in a loud whisper and follow each repeat with the words 'Ohhhh, interesting...VERY interesting.' Pretend to scribble things down rapidly.
289. Greet him for the first time each day with the warning 'You stay out of my dreams, you master of temptation, you.'
290. Attempt to harness 'Snape-power'
291. Lock him in a room with Professor Trelawney.
292. On St. Patrick's day - Charm his robes and eyes green and his hair red. Conjure up a long, red beard and large, green top hat. Charm a cloud of four-leaf clovers to swarm around his head all day. Enjoy.
293. Get him a pet llama.
294. Leave copies of these lists lying around.
295. Alternatively, pin them up. Anonymously.
296. When he attempts to scare you in class, yawn, look bored and tell him you're 'Sorry, but the thrill is just gone.'
297. Completely ignore his existence. Do not pay him the smallest amount of attention whatsoever. Act as though you cannot see him. If he speaks, do not answer. If he is right in front of you, look straight through him.
Constantly ask people (when he can hear you) where he has disappeared to.
298. Walk up to him every morning. Hit him repeatedly with a rolled up copy of 'The Daily Prophet'
299. Tell him he's got something on his face, when he clearly doesn't. Urge him to wipe it off. Insist that it is still there.
300. 'How's that rash healing up, Professor?'
301. Tell him you know how to 'charm the wickedness out of him'
302. Ask him to give a detailed explanation of the menstrual cycle. Explain to him that you want to know because your parents are dead and he is your father figure.
303. `Why didn't you call me?'
304. `Thanks for last night's…lesson.' Wink at him.
305. Turn everything he owns pink. Hot pink.
306. Transfigure his robes into a wedding dress, and wear a tuxedo. Walk with him down the hall, singing the Wedding March.
307. Walk less than a foot (30 cm) behind him and run into him repeatedly. Insist that you didn't see him.
308. `What's your sign?'
309. Ask him what his mating call is.
310. Ask him his shoe size. Grin broadly after he tells you.
311. Ask him if he can give you a haircut. Also comment that you like the tattoo on his foot.
312. Sneak into his room in the morning and wipe the drool off his face. Be sure to wake him up while doing this.
313. Tell him you think he's misunderstood and you want to help him. Have him read `Dear Abby'.
314. Every time he gets an injury offer to kiss his `boo boo'.
315. Pat him on the face and say, `Good bunny!' (Trust me, it's really aggravating.)
316. Throw his wand out the window and say, `Fetch!'
317. Put a cauldron over his head and bang on it with a ladle.
318. Whenever he asks a question and someone gets it right, shout, `Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Professor, tell him what he's won!'
319. Give him a Christmas present, made of a box in a box in a box, etc. Wrap it in pink paper.
320. In March.
321. Follow him around with an umbrella, singing `A Spoonful of Sugar'.
322. Whenever he's leaving, but still in earshot, sing, `I can see clearly now, the Snape is gone!'
323. `Have you ever had a girlfriend? Ever?' (From 50 Ways to Annoy Voldemort)
324. Tie him up and spoon feed him.
325. While saying, `Here comes the airplane! Whoosh!'
326. Approach him in the halls and sniff him. Comment that he smells `very fragrant'. Or say, `Woo!' and hand him a bar of soap.
327. Put a rose in his mouth and try to tango with him. Then run madly; your life depends on it. (Ba dum dum dum dum ba dum dum dum)
328. Write a long, detailed account of the history of ketchup. Send it to him anonymously.
329. In detention, whistle the tune of `Whistle While You Work'.
330. Stick your wand up his nose. When he does nothing more than yell a lot and give your wand back, mutter that it `worked on the troll'.
331. Slip vodka into his drink. Strong vodka. When he wakes up the next afternoon, tell him he did various outrageous things that he didn't really do.
332. Teach him how to do derivatives. Then integrals.
333. Sneak up behind his desk, then pop up yelling, `Yum yum!' like the gremlins. (Thanks to my calculus teacher for inspiring this one.)
334. Every time he looks over at you, lick you lips and give a little wave. (Or purr, either one works.)
335. Measure everything in the classroom with great enthusiasm, scribbling all the measurements down. `Quill, 25 centimetres! Pestle, 10 centimetres!'
336. Read aloud from War and Peace. Do this every day in class until you finish the book, the year is over, or you are expelled. Whichever comes first.
337. Run after him with a mirror, saying, `Go on, break it!'
338. Call him`Big Papa'.
339. Walk around the halls loudly, yelling, `Lookit me, I'm loitering!' when he walks by.
340. Sing `The Song that Never Ends'. Or `I Know A Song That’ll Get On Your Nerves'.
341. Filibuster in the middle of class.
342. Sneak into his room and steal all his clothes. Leave an Oompa Loompa suit in his closet.
343. Be Harry Potter.
344. Grease him.
345. De-grease him.
Got sent my syllabus for vet medicine today. Extremely interesting but... ouch. I just might die.
I totally forgot that I meant to post the second half of this. It never ceases to make me snerk regardless of shitty happenings in my lacklustre love life at the moment. Abundance of Snape = THE antidote.
Does anyone else see two Snape's in the books? The Professor and the man? I do. Professor Snape is someone I can be amused by and someone I can humour, Severus Snape (including young Severus) is someone much more personal. I don't know. I'm a strange girl.
How To Annoy Snape
151. Babble incoherently in class until you've lost all your house points.
152. Set up a shrine to him. Somewhere very public.
153. When he leans over your cauldron to inspect your work, reach out and pin a S.P.E.W badge on him.
154. Shout suddenly in the middle of class 'Ooh, sir, hold that pose!' and quickly begin sketching him.
155. Steal quietly up behind him, lift his robes, raise your hot-iron and brand his neck with a mark of your own.
156. Fill his bed with small, adorable, fluffy creatures. While he's in it.
157. Tell him that you 'know'. Tap the side of your nose and nod knowingly.
158. Weep openly when he gives you detention.
159. Casually mention you're thinking of changing your name to Severus.
160. Ponder aloud on the colour of his underwear.
161. Whistle the march from 'Bridge on The River Kwai' as you follow him down to one of the many detentions you are likely to receive.
162. Observe him. Take notes.
163. Become an Animagus. Be very cute. Try to get him adopt you.
164. Try to get him adopt you anyway.
165. Forbid anyone to touch him. Enforce the rule.
166. Chain yourself to him and go limp.
167. When his food arrives at mealtime, jump out of your seat, dash up to the high table and insist on tasting the food before he has a bite. 'Just in case.'
168. For the duration of each meal, jump out of your seat at random moments, dash up to the high table and ask if he wants anything on that, waving condiments madly.
169. Carve small likeness's of him. Leave them around the school.
170. Have him committed.
171. Ask him to teach you how to tango.
172. Crash Death-Eater revels shouting 'Sev! You had a party and you didn't invite me? I'm hurt!'
173. Transfigure his robes into a safari-suit. Wear one yourself. Dance about and slap him with pilchards.
174. While he's out, fill his rooms completely, wall to wall, floor to ceiling, with balloons.
175. Ask him if he wants to meet your mother.
176. Ask him everyday if he'll show you 'that stopper-in-death trick, that sounded neat.'
177. Put up your hand eagerly in class when he asks a question. If he calls on you, ignore his question and say 'Sir? Can you do this?' Then perform stupid party face-tricks. (Ie: roll your tongue, flip your eyelids or
wiggle your ears)
178. Faint regularly in his class.
179. Anytime you catch his eye, mouth something undecipherable at him. Make it look urgent.
180. Write and choreograph a play about him for the school to perform. 'Severus: The Musical'.
181. Cast yourself in the lead.
182. And all the other roles.
183. Make him daisy-chains. Enquire frequently as to why he doesn't wear them.
184. Refer to him as 'Lord and Master of all things Slimy'
185. Chase him.
186. Throw your arms around him on random occasions.
187. Sing 'The Lumberjack Song' at him endlessly.
188. Dedicate essays to him.
189. Trip him up in the halls. Every single chance you get.
190. Approach. Kneel. Propose. Run.
191. Become his campaign manager for an election you've invented. Hang 'Vote Snape' signs. Wear a badge.
192. When he leans in to see the contents of your cauldron, whack him over the head, scream 'Tag! You're it!' and dash out of the classroom, giggling.
193. Paint a portrait of him. Use your imagination. Insist on hanging it in the Great Hall.
194. Grin insanely throughout each and every potions class.
195. 'Prozac, sir?'
196. Laugh enthusiastically at any mild joke or sarcasm that leaves his mouth. Laugh for about 10 minutes longer than necessary. Laugh until you cry.
197. Breed koalas in his bathroom.
198. Lie down in puddles and beg him to step on you rather than get his feet soggy.
199. Enquire of him if he would like to borrow some shampoo.
200. Find a website focusing on really bad Snape/Harry slash-fic. Print them off and owl them to him regularly.
201. Write a list of all the things you could do to him!
202. Always be five strides ahead of him, rolling out an endless red carpet.
203. Present him, each morning, with a sack-lunch for the day. In a kiddie's lunchpail of course.
204. Sneak up behind him. Go 'Boo!' and giggle. Walk away mumbling that you 'got him good'.
205. Shave his head while he sleeps.
206. Keep the hair. Have fun with Polyjuice.
207. Offer to assist him with his love-life.
208. Run to pull his chair out for him at mealtimes.
209. Charm him to talk with an awful Australian accent. And use awful stereotypical Australian slang. Think Crocodile Hunter. Think Crocodile Dundee.
210. Wolf-howl loudly from a VERY good hiding place.
211. Call him 'Flicky Flickerton' by accident.
212. In fact, call him by a different name every time you see him. 'Tinkerbell' 'Spot' and 'Twinkle-Toes' should go down well.
213. Sigh loudly whenever he walks away from you.
214. Try to get him to dance the Hokey-Pokey. Demonstrate.
215. Tell him to pick on somebody his own size. Stand on your tiptoes and suggest yourself.
216. Run into his quarters excitedly, grab him and drag him outside. Point at a cloud that you insist 'looks JUST like you sir!'.
217. Make him play 'Monopoly' with you. Win.
218. Attempt to hide inside his robes whenever Neville Longbottom's potion threatens to explode.
219. Grab a friend. Grab his wand. Play 'Snapey-in-the-middle'.
220. Make vague allusions to having been witness to his birth.
221. Run after him in the halls with Christmas Crackers. Insist he crack one with you. Insist he wear the silly paper hat that emerges.
222. Ensure your potions explode directly in his face. When they do say 'That'll teach ya!'
223. When you see him coming, lie down in the hallway. Insist that you 'have fallen and can't get up'.
224. One word: Veritaserum
225. Two words: Cotton Candy
226. Bounce up and down with anticipation until he begins each class.
227. Tell him he's 'Snape-tastic!'
228. 'Snape-o-riffic!' works just as well.
229. Get him stoned. Be ready with meat-pies and Twinkies when he gets the munchies.
230. As he stalks by, enquire loudly of your friends if he 'isn't just the cutest little thing you ever did see?'
231. In his class, hold your breath until you turn purple and pass out. Every lesson
232. Charm his eyes red and his hair white. In other words, turn him albino.
233. Look at him. Give him over-exaggerated expressions. Change your expression every 5 seconds. 'Excited' Scared' 'Thoughtful' 'Angry' 'Sad' 'Demure' etc
234. Enjoy his classes a little *too* much.
235. Enquire after his health.
236. Enquire after his wealth.
237. Enquire after his boxers.
238. Ask him if he's related to Basil Fawlty.
239. Anytime you see him venture out of doors, grab your broomstick and take off. Continually swoop him until he runs inside again.
240. Hide under your desk in potions. Pretend you're sure he can't see you. Even if he bends to look straight down on you.
241. Form a choir. Stand behind him as he teaches. Sing hymns and drinking songs softly throughout lessons.
242. Tackle him.
243. Relate to him in great detail the dreams you had the previous night. Tell what you think the deeper meaning of them is. Be specific, long-winded and horribly pretentious.
244. Steal his Death-Eater robes.
245. Give them back. Dyed yellow, of course.
246. Waggle your eyebrows suggestively at him. Whenever you feel the moment is right.
247. Charm his robes to look tye-died and give him circular sunglasses.
248. Sneak up behind him. Blindfold him. Spin him in circles a few times. Run away.
249. Learn basic Muggle magic tricks. Call yourself The Great Snape-ini. Constantly approach him with a deck of cards, imploring him to 'Pick a card, any card!'
250. Ask him if he's 'sure about that, sir?' whenever he states a fact in class.
251. Wait to one side of the staff room door with a club in your hands. Bash him over the head and knock him out when he emerges. Do this every day until he is scared to leave the staff room.
252. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 70's grunge rocker. Add a neck-slung guitar.
253. Transfigure his robes into the outfit of a stereotypical 80's punk. Leathers, make-up, zippers n' all.
254. Pierce one of his ears while he sleeps.
255. Ask him to try a potion you've just concocted with random ingredients. Promise him that 'It'll knock your socks off'
256. Follow him around quoting 'The Sunscreen Song'
257. Transfigure random articles in the potions classroom into butterflies.
258. Procure his mother's address. Owl her frequently with 'reports' on her son.
259. Grab his arms. Swing him around. Sing 'Make your own kind of music Sing your own special song, Make your own kind of music, even if nobody else sings along!'. Let him go. Run
260. Ask him how old he is.
261. Sit there in class staring at him. Do this all year and fail the class.
262. Push him in the lake.
263. Wear a tutu to class. When he berates you tell him 'If you're really that jealous, you can try it on later.'
264. Charm a music box that plays "Greensleeves' into never stopping. Make it invisible and leave it in his quarters.
265. 'Are you cheating on me?'
266. Give him a Metallica T-Shirt for his birthday.
267. Bake him a cake!
268. Encourage him to take up knitting.
269. Attempt to carve your name into his arm.
270. Chant softly. 'Snape Snape Snape...' whenever he walks by. Continue until he is out of hearing range.
271. Promise him a puppy.
272. Leave a yo-yo in his quarters with a note that says 'Keep this with you always. It may save your life someday.'
273. Follow him around, frantically writing anything he ever says to anyone at anytime.
274. When he looks like he's about to snap at someone shout 'Sic 'em Severus!'
275. Get a good run-up. Jump on his back and shout 'Piggy-Back! Piggy-Back'
276. Pretend to fall over anytime he is within 5 feet of you. Land on him.
277. If he is more than 5 feet away from you, but still within striking distance, launch yourself at him.
278. Owl him (anonymously) random articles from a Muggle publication known as 'The Enquirer' Attach notes to them stating that he should 'study these carefully. They contain clues.'
279. Should he receive the minutest injury, mother him excessively and drag him by the robes to Madam Pomfrey. (I'm talking paper-cuts and toe-stubbings here)
280. Ask him about his childhood.
281. Get the potions class to do a wave when he enters the room.
282. Ask him the particulars of his relationship with Lucius Malfoy.
283. When he leans down to inspect your work - pull out a small length of yarn and dangle it in his face as you would a cat.
284. Insist that the lunch you just had was 'Snape-a-licious!'
285. Make a trail of Bertie Bott's every flavour beans from the Gryffindor Towers to his door.
286. At the end of each potions class, leave him a 'report card' detailing how you think he did that lesson. Comments like 'has potential' 'adequate' and 'moderately intimidating' are perfect.
287. Conjure up bright blue suspenders to appear over his robes in the middle of class.
288. Repeat every thing he says, just after he says it, in a loud whisper and follow each repeat with the words 'Ohhhh, interesting...VERY interesting.' Pretend to scribble things down rapidly.
289. Greet him for the first time each day with the warning 'You stay out of my dreams, you master of temptation, you.'
290. Attempt to harness 'Snape-power'
291. Lock him in a room with Professor Trelawney.
292. On St. Patrick's day - Charm his robes and eyes green and his hair red. Conjure up a long, red beard and large, green top hat. Charm a cloud of four-leaf clovers to swarm around his head all day. Enjoy.
293. Get him a pet llama.
294. Leave copies of these lists lying around.
295. Alternatively, pin them up. Anonymously.
296. When he attempts to scare you in class, yawn, look bored and tell him you're 'Sorry, but the thrill is just gone.'
297. Completely ignore his existence. Do not pay him the smallest amount of attention whatsoever. Act as though you cannot see him. If he speaks, do not answer. If he is right in front of you, look straight through him.
Constantly ask people (when he can hear you) where he has disappeared to.
298. Walk up to him every morning. Hit him repeatedly with a rolled up copy of 'The Daily Prophet'
299. Tell him he's got something on his face, when he clearly doesn't. Urge him to wipe it off. Insist that it is still there.
300. 'How's that rash healing up, Professor?'
301. Tell him you know how to 'charm the wickedness out of him'
302. Ask him to give a detailed explanation of the menstrual cycle. Explain to him that you want to know because your parents are dead and he is your father figure.
303. `Why didn't you call me?'
304. `Thanks for last night's…lesson.' Wink at him.
305. Turn everything he owns pink. Hot pink.
306. Transfigure his robes into a wedding dress, and wear a tuxedo. Walk with him down the hall, singing the Wedding March.
307. Walk less than a foot (30 cm) behind him and run into him repeatedly. Insist that you didn't see him.
308. `What's your sign?'
309. Ask him what his mating call is.
310. Ask him his shoe size. Grin broadly after he tells you.
311. Ask him if he can give you a haircut. Also comment that you like the tattoo on his foot.
312. Sneak into his room in the morning and wipe the drool off his face. Be sure to wake him up while doing this.
313. Tell him you think he's misunderstood and you want to help him. Have him read `Dear Abby'.
314. Every time he gets an injury offer to kiss his `boo boo'.
315. Pat him on the face and say, `Good bunny!' (Trust me, it's really aggravating.)
316. Throw his wand out the window and say, `Fetch!'
317. Put a cauldron over his head and bang on it with a ladle.
318. Whenever he asks a question and someone gets it right, shout, `Ding ding ding! We have a winner! Professor, tell him what he's won!'
319. Give him a Christmas present, made of a box in a box in a box, etc. Wrap it in pink paper.
320. In March.
321. Follow him around with an umbrella, singing `A Spoonful of Sugar'.
322. Whenever he's leaving, but still in earshot, sing, `I can see clearly now, the Snape is gone!'
323. `Have you ever had a girlfriend? Ever?' (From 50 Ways to Annoy Voldemort)
324. Tie him up and spoon feed him.
325. While saying, `Here comes the airplane! Whoosh!'
326. Approach him in the halls and sniff him. Comment that he smells `very fragrant'. Or say, `Woo!' and hand him a bar of soap.
327. Put a rose in his mouth and try to tango with him. Then run madly; your life depends on it. (Ba dum dum dum dum ba dum dum dum)
328. Write a long, detailed account of the history of ketchup. Send it to him anonymously.
329. In detention, whistle the tune of `Whistle While You Work'.
330. Stick your wand up his nose. When he does nothing more than yell a lot and give your wand back, mutter that it `worked on the troll'.
331. Slip vodka into his drink. Strong vodka. When he wakes up the next afternoon, tell him he did various outrageous things that he didn't really do.
332. Teach him how to do derivatives. Then integrals.
333. Sneak up behind his desk, then pop up yelling, `Yum yum!' like the gremlins. (Thanks to my calculus teacher for inspiring this one.)
334. Every time he looks over at you, lick you lips and give a little wave. (Or purr, either one works.)
335. Measure everything in the classroom with great enthusiasm, scribbling all the measurements down. `Quill, 25 centimetres! Pestle, 10 centimetres!'
336. Read aloud from War and Peace. Do this every day in class until you finish the book, the year is over, or you are expelled. Whichever comes first.
337. Run after him with a mirror, saying, `Go on, break it!'
338. Call him`Big Papa'.
339. Walk around the halls loudly, yelling, `Lookit me, I'm loitering!' when he walks by.
340. Sing `The Song that Never Ends'. Or `I Know A Song That’ll Get On Your Nerves'.
341. Filibuster in the middle of class.
342. Sneak into his room and steal all his clothes. Leave an Oompa Loompa suit in his closet.
343. Be Harry Potter.
344. Grease him.
345. De-grease him.
Got sent my syllabus for vet medicine today. Extremely interesting but... ouch. I just might die.