Illusion
Rated for Suicidal Thoughts
Chapter 5: Illusion
Welcome back.
“Here we go again. Everything’s come full circle and now I’m no closer to an answer.”
Yes you are.
“Shut up. I’m going to drown you out with good old television.” I reached for the remote and surfed the channels. “Cool, Shark Week.” I remarked to no one in particular. I was utterly shocked when a hand grabbed the remote and turned off the T.V. I looked up and saw Wilson, hands on his hips with a frown on his face. I shook my head, shut my eyes, and turned back, but he was still there.
“I’m hallucinating, right?” I asked timidly, suddenly fearing for my sanity. Wilson’s frown dissolved and was replaced with a calm, understanding expression.
“Yeah, you are.” He commented, sitting down on the coffee table to face me. I stared at him, wide-eyed.
“So I have been hearing a voice.” I said softly. Everything about this hallucination seemed so real. “Was I hallucinating in the hospital?” I questioned, referring to when I saw Wilson in my hospital room.
“I’m you. I only know as much as you do.” I nodded and he continued speaking, “you were right.”
“About what?” I asked, unsure as to what he meant. After all, I’ve been wrong a lot lately.
“Hallucinations are your mind’s way of working out problems.” He answered, his brown eyes fixed on me. I squirmed slightly and had to keep reminding myself that the man in front of me was not my best friend. After all, that statement alone was proof that this person was an invention of my mind because I recall keeping that observation to myself. I never even said it out loud.
“It’s really sad when you can’t trust yourself.” I asserted.
“I never lied to you.” Wilson explained with a kind smile.
“I know, but sometimes the truth is too much.” I argued feebly.
“That’s never stopped you before.” My mind was telling the truth… that’s the scary part.
“Can I ask you a question?” I never hesitate to ask questions, but for once, I’m not sure what to expect, especially from myself.
“Only if you know the answer.” Wilson replied with another smile.
“Why am I seeing Wilson?” It felt weird asking, but I was curious.
“Wilson’s always been your conscience.” Wilson answered, his eyes scanning the room, “you need him.”
“You don’t seem as evil as I remember.” I observed, knowing this apparition was also the source of the voice in my head.
“Well, we’re on the same side now.” He shrugged, seemingly indifferent. I was silent, so Wilson turned his attention back to me.
Remember the bus? No pain… I looked up at him, knowing his voice was still penetrating my mind.
“I can’t do this.” I declared weakly.
“Yes you can. You stuck a knife in a wall socket for god’s sakes! How is this any different?”
“It’s different because… I know I’m not coming back from this.” And Amber saved me… That thought brought me to tears. I paged her before electrocuting myself because I trusted her. She saved me, she made Wilson happy, and I killed her. I killed her… I tried to brush away the tears, but they kept coming.
Wilson leaned forward and asked softly, “what’s left to live for?”
“Wilson.” I answered absent-mindedly, my eyes staring blankly ahead.
“We’ve been through this…” The apparition continued, but I didn’t let him finish.
“You only know what I know. You only think what I think.” I shook my head in realization. “I could be wrong.”
“I’ve never lied to you. That’s more than anyone else can say. Cuddy, Chase… they conceal the truth, but I…” This illusion was right. He never lied, but I wasn’t finished.
“You tell me what you perceive as truth, but what if your wrong? If I’m wrong…” My voice faded. “There’s a difference between lying and just being wrong.”
“That may be true, but killing an innocent person… that’s unforgivable.” The apparition shook his head and I was angry at his accusation; although, I knew his logic was my own. “Whether it’s involuntary manslaughter or premeditated murder, you’re still going to jail.” His tone was grave and sent shivers down my spine.
“I didn’t mean for it to happen.” I pleaded.
“I know.” He offered in a comforting tone. For a moment, I was sure the man in front of me was Wilson.
“How does killing myself solve anything?” I asked.
“You should’ve died in the bus crash.” He replied simply.
“I know.” I managed softly.
“Then why do you need me to tell you what you already know?” He had a point. “You’re place isn’t here.” Wilson added. His brown eyes held their usual, familiar compassion.
“What if Wilson cares. What if…” I felt I was losing this battle with myself and I was close to surrender.
“What if! What if she hadn’t died? What if you hadn’t gone to that bar? What if you hadn’t called?” Wilson raised his voice angrily. I shrunk away, not expecting the outburst. The apparition continued in a softer tone. “It’s too late for ‘what ifs.’” I was running out of arguments.
“I can’t.” I announced simply.
“He’s the only thing stopping you.” Wilson observed. “Call him.” He supplied, grabbing the phone and offering it to me. I took the phone from his hand and stared at it briefly.
“And what am I supposed to say?”
“You know what to ask.” He riposted.
“I don’t want to die.” I could feel tears rolling down my cheeks.
“Yes, actually, you do.”
“You’re only part of me.” I snapped, throwing the phone on the couch. I held my face in my hands, trying to block out the hallucination.
“Let me ask you something…” Wilson leaned forward even more, so I could feel his breath on my hands. “How hard are you really fighting this?” I lowered my hands and gave him an even glare, but I didn’t answer because I didn’t know. “You went to the hospital, yet you refused to tell anyone what was going on, even Cuddy. You want this.” His eyes were sincere and I found myself shaking nervously. I looked to the door momentarily, hoping someone would come in to check on me. Cuddy, Chase… Wilson… somebody. The door didn’t open and no one came.
“I don’t know what I want anymore.” I whispered, turning back to Wilson to find him gone. I looked around the room quickly, but found the hallucination had dissolved.
Call him.