Absolution
Chapter 3: Absolution
I opened my eyes slowly and was greeted by a familiar smile.
“You keep this up and I’ll have to bring in a cot.” Cuddy tried to maintain an accusatory tone, but her eyes expressed pure joy and relief. Her hair was a mess and her make-up had faded, so I assumed I’d been out for a while and yet again, she hadn’t left my side.
My gaze drifted to the doorway and her eyes followed mine. “Is something wrong?” She asked, turning back to study my expression as I stared blankly ahead. I tried to sit up in the hospital bed, but Cuddy quickly intervened and leaned me back into the pillows. I studied the doorway, trying to find anything that would prove the memory false, while Cuddy watched worriedly. “House, do you know where you are?” She asked hesitantly.
I reluctantly tore my gaze from the door to the dean of medicine. “Did…” I wanted to ask her whether Wilson had visited, but I knew she’d start interrogating me. “…did anyone come to see me?” Cuddy frowned in confusion, still deeply concerned.
“Was anyone supposed to?”
“Um… no. I just wanted to know who to avoid.” I lied easily, glancing back at the door.
“You mean Wilson, don’t you?” Cuddy clarified knowingly. I hid my surprise, but she already knew she was right. “I haven’t seen him since…” Her voice trailed off to avoid recalling the event. There was a silence between us.
“It wasn’t your fault.” She assured me.
Yes it was. It was your fault.
“He just needs some time to grieve. He doesn’t…”
Blame you? Yes, he does. Of course, he does. He should. You killed her.
“House… are you listening?” Cuddy seemed almost frantic by this point.
“I don’t blame myself.” I lied again, making eye contact only briefly. “I’m fine.”
Cuddy slammed her hand down on the bed, making me flinch. “Will you stop lying to me?” She asked angrily, her eyes full of frustration. “Stop pushing me away.” She pleaded, her voice breaking with emotion.
“I’m not pushing you away.” I answered forcefully, still refusing to look her directly in the eye. “I…” I tried to continue, but she interrupted.
“You told me to ‘go to hell’ before collapsing on the sidewalk…” She stated softly, proving her point. “I’m only trying to help you.” Her fingers intertwined with mine in a comforting gesture. I glanced down at her hand before turning my gaze to the floor.
“I wish you wouldn’t.” I answered. She didn’t reply and I suddenly felt guilty for being so mean. I never feel remorse…, yet lately it’s all I’ve been able to feel. I don’t want to push her away, yet I can’t help it. “…You can’t help me.”
“Despite what everyone says, you’re human.” Cuddy spoke confidently with a weak smile.
“You sure?” I scoffed. She ignored me and continued.
“Humans have emotions. Humans are sad, outraged,…scared, and sometimes…” She paused, “sometimes they feel guilty for things that were beyond their control.” I noted her words and, though comforting, I still felt like crap.
“I told you I don’t blame myself.” I know I’m a stubborn liar, but I really can’t act any other way. After decades of keeping people out… after shutting everything inside so no one could see… I’m simply unable to trust anyone, even Cuddy. I was taught as a child that emotions were to be buried inside and that belief, after being drilled into my head, will never let anyone in. Though this trait makes me an excellent doctor, who can see past the lies and deception, it’s also…a handicap.
“House…” She wanted to continue her lecture, but knew I would never listen, so she accepted defeat and took another approach. “Why were you at the hospital today?”
“I told you that too! I missed the clinic.” I countered, hoping this conversation would be ending soon. She squeezed my hand tightly, holding back her impatience and vexation.
“How can I ever be expected to trust you if all you do is lie to me?” Cuddy asked sincerely. I felt guilty again, but masked any indication of remorse by rolling my eyes in annoyance.
“Fine…” I pretended to surrender. ”I was going crazy at home. I needed something to do.” It’s partly true, I thought, suddenly overwhelmed by another bout of exhaustion.
“Well, what do you normally do when you have time off?” She asked, obviously skeptical.
I frowned inadvertently. I hang out with Wilson, I thought while trying to stop the clenching in my stomach. Cuddy noticed my sudden, pale complexion and held of her questioning. “I’m your friend and I’m worried about you.” She explained, her words sincere and comforting.
“Don’t be.” I answered curtly.
“House… you were… screaming when you collapsed.” Cuddy hadn’t wanted to recall the incident, but knew she had to get her point across. My first impulse was to worry about my reputation, but then again I’m sure that’s already been ruined by now. “I haven’t seen you that panicked since-since the infarction and I think you were telling the truth about this being a symptom of something more than the head injury.”
“What’s your point?”
She sighed before continuing, “I think your body’s manifesting emotional trauma physically.”
I frowned, angry again. “What would you know?” I argued. “You’re not even a doctor!”
Cuddy didn’t shrink away like I thought she would. She stood her ground, unaffected, and when she spoke her voice was calm, lacking any venom. “You’re pushing me away again.” I wanted to look away, but simply couldn’t. She pulled her hand away from mine, slowly, and then she stood. “I guess that means I’m right.” She finished with a brief smile and then turned to leave.
“Cuddy…” The words rushed out before I had any time to plan my next move, “…about what I said earlier…” My voice faded in what I assumed was intended as an apology.
“It’s okay, House. I know you can’t help yourself.” Cuddy understood what I meant, but still couldn’t hide her disappointment. I didn’t want her to leave mad at me. I didn’t want her to hate me…
“No, Cuddy… I… I’m…” Cuddy watched me closely as I stumbled for the right words. “Thank you.” I finally managed to say. She smiled in a genuine form of happiness.
“Apology accepted.” She answered, knowing exactly what I intended to say. Cuddy is one of the few people I’ve ever met that can read me like a book. Well actually she can’t really read the book, that’s Wilson…, but she’s fairly good at deciphering the illustrations. “Are you going to be okay?”
I’m not sure, I thought, but I didn’t want to worry Cuddy any more than I already had, so I resorted to another lie.
“Yeah, I’ll be fine.”
“You better rest this time or I’ll handcuff you to the bed.” She threatened pointedly.
“Kinky.” I commented on her interesting choice of words with a smirk.
“Night, House.” She rolled her eyes and smiled in a manner that said, ‘oh typical House.’ I tried to remember that expression and preserve it in my memory… I suddenly found it frightening that my mind was filing away this moment as the last time I’d see Cuddy.
What’s left to live for?
“Goodbye, Cuddy,” I said softly as her figure retreated down the hall.
I know that I've been focusing a lot on Cuddy, but I'm building up and I promise Wilson will come in later. I'm happily surprised at the interest in this story. Originally it was intended as a three chapter story, but it will probably be a little longer thanks to all the helpful reviews! It won't be an epic (unless that's what you want), but yes, it'll be a little longer.
Thanks for your reviews! They keep me going! :)