Life In a Way
Life In a Way - One Less Reason
Between the two of us there’s always been tension…a love/hate relationship per se. It’s obvious…and often my ducklings speculate…and it’s not only them! The nurses are known to gossip and even Wilson shares his suspicions, but they have no idea. They think we had a fling. That we were a couple in college or so, and they’re right in a way…, but it was so much more than that. Maybe I watch too many soap operas, but she was…is the love of my life.
Unfortunately, she didn’t see it the same way. For some untold reason, I wasn’t the one…I’m not the one, and I hope to God, or whatever fictional entity humans pray to, that she regrets it. Then again, I don’t. After all, she’s the love of my life.
No one would ever believe me, but she left me in med school! Ambition got the best of her and though there were perks to dating the infamous Gregory House, they weren’t worth the distraction. It hurt. She called me a distraction…a damn worthless distraction. Okay, perhaps I added the ‘damn worthless’ to spite her, but I’m sure she thought it…though I hope she didn’t.
To cut to the point, she dumped me. She had plans… plans that didn’t involve me. I didn’t take it well. I never take it well. I left and hoped to never see her again. Then, many years later, it happened. She was the Dean of Medicine and I was the applicant who had been denied a job everywhere else. I tried to avoid it, but I had no other choice. She’s the love of my life.
She hired me despite our past and that act rekindled a lost flame. I guess that’s how romantics put it anyways. It could’ve been heartburn now that I think about it. Well, either way, she wanted peace between us if we were going to be boss and employee. Of course… I sealed the deal by taking the lovely lady to dinner. She was suspicious, but I had arranged the occasion with pure innocent intention. I don’t actually remember much about the dinner. Let’s just label it as one really sexy one-night stand.
One night…that was it. After that there were no more dinners and no plays either (I tried). The only thing close to love was the familiar banter between us. She knows I love her. I haven’t said it since med school, but she knows.
‘You can’t always get what you want…’
Then I gave up…and went on the rebound with Stacy. Everything went to hell from there on. I’ve loved her as long as I’ve known her. I love Dr. Lisa Cuddy.
Too bad she doesn’t feel the same way…
I tried to leave it at that. I knew it was best, but I couldn’t. She dated other men and tried everything to make up for the family that never was. I even felt sorry for her, which by no means stopped me from stalking her on her countless ‘romantic’ endeavors. She caught on to my scheme in no time.
I stayed away after that. I told myself she could date whoever she wanted…, but WILSON? Now that pissed me off (after the initial, overwhelming shock) and she knew that. Hence why she broke it off before things became serious.
Things became normal…routine between us. I never brought it up and neither did she. The love/hate relationship continued…until I see her crying today. There are no visible tears, but I know. Her eyes are red and swollen and she hides in her office. I know it is best to stay away, but I’m House! What would people think if I didn’t interfere with my boss’ personal life?
So here I am, in her office, across from her, sitting patiently as she avoids my gaze while hastily rubbing her beautiful blue eyes. I just sit. Cuddy finds this weird, but right now, her first priority is to maintain the appearance of normalcy. As if I wouldn’t notice…
She frowns and tells me to leave, but I silently refuse. At the moment, I’m considering the use of a cane as a weapon to beat the crap out of the bastard who made her cry…my expression, of course, reveals none of this.
“Nasty break-up?” I ask casually, masking all concern. Her frown deepens and her eyes darken threateningly.
“You’re not always right, House.” She warns with a ‘get the hell out of here’ plastered on her forehead.
“I’m right about this though. I know you.” I state with a coy smile. Cuddy isn’t amused.
“Too well...” She mutters, knowing I won’t leave. “Can’t you mind your own business for once? I don’t need you adding anything else to the overworked rumor mill that the nurses seem so inclined to run 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.” Her voice is defeated…and I hate it.
“The nurses hate me with a passion…”
“Shocker there.” She adds with a slight upward twitch at the corners of her mouth. It’s almost a perceptible smile.
“…and they never believe a word I say for some reason.” I continued in mock innocence.
“So, you’ve tried to spread rumors, but to no avail?” She questioned, taking advantage of the opportunity to draw attention away from herself.
“That’s why your secret’s safe with me. I’ll tell them and they’ll never believe me! It’s perfect.” She smiles. It’s a soft, small smile, but it’s sufficient. Her smile’s beautiful. The room returns to silence as I simply stare at her.
Her smile suddenly falters and her eyes return to the mass amount of paper work cluttering her desk. “He ended it with no warning.” She nearly breaks down again. I want to give her sympathy, comfort, but I’m angry too. After all these years, I’m still so angry.
“Ironic.” I smirk at her distraught appearance. Revenge is sweet. “It reminds me of…let’s see when was that…March 8th...” I pretend to ponder the unforgettable day.
“House…” She warns…more pleads.
“I think that was when you dumped me, right? With no warning as I recall.”
“House… please. Let it go already! How many times do I have to tell you that things were never going to work out between us?” She almost loses control as she is close to screaming at me. That massive paperweight on her desk is looking more and more deadly by the minute and I tighten the grip on my cane defensively. “Why do you always bring that up? If you really gave a damn about me you wouldn’t torture me with that.”
“You…tortured? Ha.” I smirk, but my devilish smile fades quickly and I continue in an oddly serious tone. “How are you feeling?” Cuddy looks at me with surprise and takes a moment to consider the question.
And tell me about the one who broke your heart,
Tell me about when the day was through,
Did you feel like you?
“Miserable.”
“You want to know what you did wrong. You want to change things, but you can’t do anything about it.” I analyze her.
“No, but you can do something about it. You can move on.” She replies evenly.
“Not when you love her.”
“House, stop it. Guilt has never worked.” She silences me forcefully.
“I know.” I concede in defeat. “You shouldn’t blame yourself, Cuddy.”
“I’m not sure which break-up you’re referring to, but I don’t blame myself for either.” She answers quickly with no hint of giving in.
“Yes you do.” I state blatantly as if this is a well-known fact.
“Why would it be my fault?” She asks.
“Because if you did something differently… if you said ‘I love you’ just one more time that day… maybe you wouldn’t be miserable.” I tell her in all seriousness. My eyes drift away from her and instead focus on the light rain outside her window.
All the things that you wished you had said,
Lingered around inside your head,
Until you were dead,
“I have no regrets about us, House. Nothing you could’ve said would have changed anything between us.” She assures me, still wanting to drop the topic.
“You don’t know that.” I sigh. She seems alarmed by my vulnerability, but I suddenly don’t care what she or anyone else thinks.
“Why are we talking about this again? What do you hope to gain out of bringing this up?” She asks softly.
“I hate unsolved puzzles.” I answer absent-mindedly.
“I’ve told you!” She exclaims, obviously annoyed again.
“You’re successful. You achieved everything I thought you would and yet… there’s still nothing between us?” I ask in disbelief. “I want to know the real reason you left me.” I add truthfully. This is my last shot at winning her back, I thought to myself. If she refuses than I’ll remain alone for the rest of my life…
“House, you’re brilliant, but you’re a misanthropic ass with a drug problem.” She tries to let me down easy, but fails miserably. “Not to mention you have boundary issues and can’t open up to anyone.” She finishes, hoping that would end the conversation.
No it’s just been so long,
Since I gave my heart away,
“I’d open up to you.” I tell her sincerely. I’m in this deep…it’s all or nothing.
But I was going to today…
“House…” She seems unsure of how to respond.
“I can change.” I’m almost pleading now. Can’t she see that I mean it? “You’ve even seen me change for you, but nothing’s ever good enough.” I end with a tinge of anger in my voice. My emotions are suddenly spinning off the rails and I have no means to stop them.
“People don’t change.” She states calmly, but refuses to meet my eyes.
“Unless acted on by an outside force.” I argue. “We’re miserable…we deserve each other.”
“Well that’s a lame argument.” She snorts.
“Well you ignore the reasonable ones.” I point out, still watching her every move.
I was gonna pick up the pieces and put them away,
Say goodbye to all my mistakes,
“House…I don’t know what you want from me.” Her blue eyes finally meet mine. They’re full of confusion…and something else that I don’t recognize.
“We dated for years. You don’t just abandon your boyfriend, so that you can graduate the first in your class. I want the truth.” I always want the truth. It’s what I always strive to find and yet humans instinctively conceal it with lies.
“You know that wasn’t the only reason.” She remarks off-handedly.
“It was the only reason you gave.” I explain impatiently. What is she hiding from me? Why can’t people simply tell the truth for once?
Living the life that got in the way,
Of all the plans for me that you make,
Oh, you’ve made,
Plans you’ve made,
She’s silent, so I decide to point out another anomaly. “When I came to work at PPTH…”
“I was drunk, House. I had no inhibitions.” Cuddy interrupts insistently.
“Either that or your subconscious was trying to tell you something.” I declare steadily.
“House…”
“I hate how you toy with me like that.” I blurt out angrily, rubbing a hand across my face. I wish I had never met her…
Waited around even from before,
Wanted it all and I gave you more,
Than I could afford,
“I’m sorry…” She says quietly, looking down at her hands.
I chose to believe you even from the start,
I could handle your lies,
You know they weren’t that hard,
I move my hands from my face and correct her angrily, “no you’re not. I wish you were, but you’re not.” She’s destroyed my self-esteem a million times… and I know she doesn’t regret it. She’s not sorry.
“How could you know that?” She demands exasperatedly.
“I know you too well.” I reiterate.
The truth tore me apart…
“I care about you.” I finish solemnly.
You said…
“It’s just been so long since you thought of me that way." She states quietly. We make eye contact again and I can see the toll this conversation is having on her, but I’m not ending it without answers.
“I’ve always thought of you that way.” I reply without hesitance.
“You want to get back together…to try this again?” She says more to herself, but I nod a reply anyways.
You want to start again today,
You want to pick up the pieces and put them in place,
So thatthey resemble something they’ve made,
“You say you’ll change…you’ll be truthful.”
You wanna make sure the lies take off all your disguises…
“I’m not the one who lied.” I smile weakly.
“I-I didn’t lie.”
“Yes, you did.”
“Sometimes the truth is too painful.”
“I need to know why you really left me.”
“You want us to continue what we had…” She says to herself, ignoring my statement. Her eyes lose their focus and her mind seems to drift away from the conversation.
“I want to try…I want one last try to fix things.” I tell her hopefully.
Livin’ our life in a way…
She comes back to reality and finally tells me the truth. She doesn’t want to say it. She doesn’t want to break my heart any more than she already has, but she finally does.
“House, I don’t think…” She pauses and forces her eyes to meet mine, “I don’t think…about you…anymore...”
I stare at her and see the sincerity in her light blue eyes. She feels nothing for me-absolutely nothing. I love her and she doesn’t love me. It had nothing to do with grades or ambition… she just… doesn’t love me.
The thought had never occurred to me. The way she always treats me, I thought for sure she cared about me, but…
I don’t know what to do…I don’t know how to react. I can only stare at the only love in my life and then, in a split-second, I rise to my feet, fumble for my cane, and quickly turn to leave, ignoring the worry in her eyes. My hand is almost to the door handle when I turn 180 degrees to face her. I open my mouth to say something, but I’m not sure what to say. I want to tell her she’s lying, that deep down she really does love me, but I can’t. I can’t lie to myself anymore. I hate lies…even when the truth hurts. I stare for another minute, before breaking the silence.
“I don’t think-” I begin in a soft voice, but pause to choose my words. “I won’t think…about you…anymore…” My voice is sincere, but broken.
“I can’t let you toy with me anymore. I can’t…be around you anymore knowing that you will never love me back.” I sigh miserably. “I’ll email you my resignation.” I watch as she realizes this is my final goodbye. Her eyes well up, but she refuses to cry anymore.
You know it’s just been so long,
Since I let you treat me that way,
I’m not gonna let you start today,
“As you said…the only thing to do…is move on.” I finish with a brief, faint smile. She wants to say something, but is speechless. My eyes remain locked with hers as long as possible until I finally turn away and leave her office…never to return.
I’m gonna pick up the pieces and throw them away…
That’s how the relationship finally ended. I never saw her after that.
Say goodbye to all my mistakes…
Everyone was shocked that I left so abruptly and without any notice. The nurses all speculated as to what had gone on in that office, especially when Cuddy came out a hour later, her face laden with tears, or so I’ve been told.
Wilson still wonders what happened, but to this day, I still refuse to give him an explanation. Speaking of the oncologist, I’ve heard he hasn’t been the same since I left, but we still talk daily and I visit him when I can, which isn’t often seeing as I live in Virginia now.
The ducklings were probably the most shocked when I packed up my things and left with little more than a goodbye. Foreman took my place as head of diagnostics and Wilson told me they hired a new fellow. He says they’re doing well…as I knew they would. Cameron was quiet after I left, Chase kept picking fights with everyone, and Foreman tried his best not to be like me. Eventually they moved on…just as I had.
Lisa Cuddy is still the love of my life, but I don’t think about her anymore…
…I try not to think about her anymore.
You know more than me about my self-esteem,
Start livin’ my life in a way,
That I won’t think,
No I won’t think,
About you,
Anymore…