sleepy philosophical rantings...
*sigh* ok. so, today i have come to revisit something that has bothered me since i was like 14. i have the horrible ability to distance myself from my emotions and from things i care about. maybe it's from having fought with someone i cared deeply about for like 16 years of my life, maybe it's from having to constantly detach myself and look at things logically, i don't know. at any rate, it sucks. i don't know whether to judge my emotions honestly or look at the motivations behind them. i don't know if i truly feel ambivalent at the moment or if i've trained myself to. it's bizarre because it's like i'm simultaneously participating in my life and observing it from a logical standpoint - a duality that could describe both schizophrenia and my current situation.
so, i guess, no matter how many times i talk about it or write about it or think it out, it will always be there.
another thing: i'm beginning to think that i'm the only one who never severs people completely (except, i guess, for this time). i care too much about my friends and about people i'm close to. i'm wondering if this is because everyone else knows something i don't that makes them not care, or if i know something they don't that makes me care, if they're all so self-defensive that they don't bother trying and being that vulnerable, or if i just lack the proper defenses and fall into the same hole time and time again. however, despite this, i will continue to be idealistic and fall into that hole, because falling means that you have to have been above ground at some point, which makes it all worthwhile.
so, i guess, no matter how many times i talk about it or write about it or think it out, it will always be there.
another thing: i'm beginning to think that i'm the only one who never severs people completely (except, i guess, for this time). i care too much about my friends and about people i'm close to. i'm wondering if this is because everyone else knows something i don't that makes them not care, or if i know something they don't that makes me care, if they're all so self-defensive that they don't bother trying and being that vulnerable, or if i just lack the proper defenses and fall into the same hole time and time again. however, despite this, i will continue to be idealistic and fall into that hole, because falling means that you have to have been above ground at some point, which makes it all worthwhile.