I'm Soooo sick
The movie "Mean Girls." What a random thought for me to be thinking about. But, then I realized, it has the perfect analogy worked right into it. There's a part where the main character, played by Lindsay Lohan, is talking about how she's basically obsessed with "Regina," and how she cannot wait for people to bring her up. She talks about how she is always talking about Regina, or waiting for someone to bring her up so she can talk about her somemore. And I was thinking about it and my conclusion: I do that.
A lot.
But the thing that I am focusing on for this, is my internal obsession that I have on the way I look. I constantly want to look, I dunno, I guess "perfect" would be the correct term. But I never do, at least to me. I want to be someone-no, something-this is desired and actually wanted. Not really like, physically, but...just in general. I think about all the time how I look, and how crappy I look and how I need to start working out. And it seriously becomes a sick, twisted obsession about my body.
I hate it.
Honestly, I just want to be okay with myself again. But I'm not. I've told my mom that, and all she could say is, "You're not harming yourself, are you?". And I just looked at her and was like...No?. I didn't know how to respond. Because physically, there's nothing to be seen. I mean, it's not like I am cutting myself. But, mentally, it's a whole nother issue. It really is. I mean, I'm not going to get into it, because it's deeply personal, but to say the least, I beat myself up daily for how I look. I hate everything about myself. So, to say the least, self-esteem=0%. I have none. Absolutely no self-esteem or confidence. And it shows.
People tell me it does.
Who does that?! I mean, why would you go up to someone, who obviously doesn't like themselves and be like, "Wow, you have no confidence. Fix that." Wow..let me add that to my list of, "I KNOW!"
I Know...God, I fucking know, people. I KNOW I have no confidence. I KNOW I'm not happy. I KNOW that I can't seem to ever be grateful for what I have. I FUCKING KNOW.
I'm just so fucking frustrated with everything and everyone. On one hand, I wanna be around people, and hang out and be with people who I know I can be myself around. And on the other? I just want to be alone. I just want to be...by myself, not having to put on the act that I always have.
I don't even know who the real me is.
I lie about everything. Everything. Honestly (Haha, feel the irony), I don't even know what I tell people anymore, because I sooo badly want to believe whatever I tell them, that I just..tell them how I wish I was feeling or doing, even though inside, I'm screaming.
I'm so blessed in the things I have. I have a job, a roof over my head, amazing friends, a caring...mom, and all this stuff. And I know I take it for granted sometimes.
And it sucks.
So that's it. Well, no, not it but, it's a start. Thank God I'm in therapy.