Every so often
Yesterday, my parents had a tree removed from their yard. It was one of two birch trees that used to be in front of the house, both of which had perfect swing branches. When I was little, I played in that yard and swung from that tree for hours.
At first, I felt a little nostalgic and reminiscent of those seemingly endless days. It made me think of playing with my cousin Bethany, who has passed away now, and about how my youngest cousin in now in the second year of her Masters program and is no longer the tiny kid with the curly hair that I used to babysit. And it made me sad, because I always thought I would sit my own kids in one of those swings and watch them kick at the clouds.
Most of the time, I'm absolutely fine knowing that I'm not going to have children. Every so often I comfort myself and think I'm only 29, there's plenty of time for me, of course I could have one if I wanted to. But now is a bad time, things with Adam aren't right for starting a family. It's perfectly ok. I'm just not a person who is going to have children. And I'm really fine knowing that.
But then there are moments like today, when I drove home from work and saw that empty yard and this icy feeling filled my chest as I realized that dear God, I am not going to have children. I'll be looking at pictures of Laila (who I miss so much I can't hardly stand it) and generally being pathetic for the next few hours. Blah.
At first, I felt a little nostalgic and reminiscent of those seemingly endless days. It made me think of playing with my cousin Bethany, who has passed away now, and about how my youngest cousin in now in the second year of her Masters program and is no longer the tiny kid with the curly hair that I used to babysit. And it made me sad, because I always thought I would sit my own kids in one of those swings and watch them kick at the clouds.
Most of the time, I'm absolutely fine knowing that I'm not going to have children. Every so often I comfort myself and think I'm only 29, there's plenty of time for me, of course I could have one if I wanted to. But now is a bad time, things with Adam aren't right for starting a family. It's perfectly ok. I'm just not a person who is going to have children. And I'm really fine knowing that.
But then there are moments like today, when I drove home from work and saw that empty yard and this icy feeling filled my chest as I realized that dear God, I am not going to have children. I'll be looking at pictures of Laila (who I miss so much I can't hardly stand it) and generally being pathetic for the next few hours. Blah.