And if you count to three..
So, John's in the studio tonight. And I am feeling like crap, as always. My health is really shitty. Because I always seem to be under the weather. Or have I never felt good and have absolutely no basis for comparison?
The house is coming along amazingly. I'm really happy with the work that we've done and it's an overall exciting feeling. But at the same time, it's goddamn scary. It feels so.. Old. Responsible. Committed.
I have a HUGE fear of committment. Which I'm sure is hard to tell since I've been in relationship with the same person for 10 years. But I've tried to force him out so many times over the 10 year span. We even broke up briefly at the 5 year mark. And it's all so very hypocritical. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and marry him and have a home and maybe even a child one day. And I really, really do want all of those things. But it freaks me the eff out. Majorly.
I hate aging. I hate maturing. I hate responsibility. I have cried at every birthday I have had since I turned 23. WTF is up with that?! I don't understand it at all.
I have no fear of death. I've been close to it many, many times. It's natural. It happens to everyone. Well, maybe let me rephrase that. I have no fear of *my* death. I can't even bare the thought of people close to me dying. I don't want to lose anyone. But me? Well.. I'm bound to go at some point.
So with that being said. Where does my committment and aging fear stem from? I don't give a crap about dying and that's the end of the line as far as aging goes. I don't want to be old. It freaks me out. But I would rather throw myself off a cliff than go back to highschool. Or be young again.
Maybe I'm not as cool with death as I thought? I don't really know. I'm super confused right now and I guess I'm going to have to think a little deeper on the matter.
Ah well.
~* AR *~
The house is coming along amazingly. I'm really happy with the work that we've done and it's an overall exciting feeling. But at the same time, it's goddamn scary. It feels so.. Old. Responsible. Committed.
I have a HUGE fear of committment. Which I'm sure is hard to tell since I've been in relationship with the same person for 10 years. But I've tried to force him out so many times over the 10 year span. We even broke up briefly at the 5 year mark. And it's all so very hypocritical. I want to spend the rest of my life with him and marry him and have a home and maybe even a child one day. And I really, really do want all of those things. But it freaks me the eff out. Majorly.
I hate aging. I hate maturing. I hate responsibility. I have cried at every birthday I have had since I turned 23. WTF is up with that?! I don't understand it at all.
I have no fear of death. I've been close to it many, many times. It's natural. It happens to everyone. Well, maybe let me rephrase that. I have no fear of *my* death. I can't even bare the thought of people close to me dying. I don't want to lose anyone. But me? Well.. I'm bound to go at some point.
So with that being said. Where does my committment and aging fear stem from? I don't give a crap about dying and that's the end of the line as far as aging goes. I don't want to be old. It freaks me out. But I would rather throw myself off a cliff than go back to highschool. Or be young again.
Maybe I'm not as cool with death as I thought? I don't really know. I'm super confused right now and I guess I'm going to have to think a little deeper on the matter.
Ah well.
~* AR *~