(no subject)
this is a long one
Ok i get that i havent been the greatest person at all times. We all have our defining moments and we all have our not so defining moments.
Im sorry for those who hate me with no reasons because it makes it seem like they dont have a real reson for doing the things they do other than the fact that it makes them feel good.
Im also sorry to david because i havent been the nicest to him. Although there were times when he didn't give me much reason to be. and i want to say that i never slapped you across the face i just messed up your hair.
Im sorry to lauren if i pissed her off by saying i wished i had a bf, you should have told me insteadt david bringning it to my attention.
Im sorry to ashley because i admit that i haven't been the greatest friend to her and i am very sorry.I am also sorry that you wont tell me why you hate me and that you give me bs answers everytime i asked. i however dont sit there and say your a bitch and call you names behind your back i will not speak ill of you becuase you are more then welcome to hate me. Thats not wrong it is worng though when you hate with no reason. I will be civil to you i will not give you dirty looks or hate you in any way. I will always consider a friend even if you dont consider me one.
Im also sorry that i turned out to be a dissappointment to everyone. i guess in a way everyone was right. i am annoying at times and i am a bitch at times. Im not asking for forgivness or pity or anything im not asking anyone to say anything to this.I am only asking that you listen for once to what i have to say instead of telling me to shut up.
Evrey time someone other than me or sydney has somethig to say thats bothering us we get yelled at. People tell us to shut the hell up. People try tosilence us and people try to hurt and mind you sometimes they succeed. Sydney left because she felt unwanted by "the group" but im not leaving im not gonna do anything i will sit there and keep silent about the things that bother me when i am around all but i will not in MY journal. I will say what i have to say in here becuase this where i will put my thoughts and dreams and hopes.
This will be the voice silenced by those unwilling to hear me. and you can write all you want about how much you dont like what i say but im warning you now. I will not keep when i write because that is all i have at the moment that will not interupt or hurt me or try and stop me from speaking my piece like everyone else.
I used to think that everyone was equal. Clearly i was wrong.
now i did something im not proud of. And it hurts to make me think that i am one of the main reasons as to why this happened. I'll list the reasons then explain.
My dad and my mom have been fighting and im scared that they are going to get a divorce.
Sydney wont hang out with anyone anymore atleast she wont sit with us anymore
I would like someone to care about me and to care about and i look around and see how happy my friends are with their bf/gf and it makes me sad becuase i dont have that.
I am dramatic at times and i ant to change but i know that it wont happen. I look at myself and tell myself that im ugly and fat and need to lose weight.
I hide how i feel so it builds up
I cant get emancipated
My friends are to busy now to do much with work and bfs and gfs and hating me or with school stuff
and the drama in the jourals
so i was being my natural dramtic self and i stared thinking about how i am a bad person and i started to cry. I cried my eyes out then i got out of the shower and got dressed and went to fix my make up i dumpled everything out of my person and guess what...out falls a box cutter that i put in my purse the night me and sydney left after the fight with mydad. And i picked it up and cut. It hurt, bu i felt alive. Then when i was done i realized everything i wrot down now and so sydney took me target and trin came and we got bandaids and fixed me up. But at that second i realized that i cant go back in time and change how everything happens and i cant fix every problem that comes my way. Then i thought i have my frieds to help me but then i realized my friends were to busy.
and so i have decided to keep my old friends but make new ones too and hang out with everyone still unless they hate me. Then maybe i can get a bf and change my life around. Now i guess i can be happy with myself and stop trying so hard to be this person that im not.
Thnx for reading. It means alot. I hope everyone has a good break and im sorry for everything.
see you around.