(no subject)
I've been spending far too much time lately doing what other influences have been pushing me to do, and not enough time in my own head. What does this look like? Well, I took a Caribbean vacation at the beginning of December, and it feels like it just happened last week. I feel as though no time has transpired between then and now because of how fast I've been moving. It looks a lot like me working long hours, not spending nearly enough time sitting and doing nothing.
The promotion to supervisor left me holding the bag for a great many things, which eat up quite a bit of time in my weekday waking hours. The holidays came and went quicker than I had expected, although I took no time off during. I have nothing to say for myself except that in my spare time I managed to see my biological family for Christmas, finished Dragon Age Inqusition, halfway knit myself a new shawl and destroyed for good one of the last knitted reminders of the god forsaken, collosal mistake of time I spent with Chris. Good riddance.
Sigh.
I have very serious depression. Life circumstances being what they are, I make it through alright. I set goals and I attain them, much like I always have and much like any normal person would do. It's the crippling fear that I cannot go back in time and reverse most of my decisions that paralyzes me most of the time. I tend to have a frighteningly black and white view of things, and my values have always skewed toward the absolute. This is why I end up punishing myself atrociously when things go wrong. I am ultimately responsible for the goings on in my life, and I refuse to give up that responsibility or be a victim of things "happening" to me. Needless to say, that takes its toll. When feeling absorbed and busy with responsibility, all other aspects of life seem to shut down. This is why I blink and months pass.