Thoughts
Last night I went swimming for the first time in a couple of weeks. Summer swim session is over, and I was able to have an entire lane to myself. It was wonderful. I swam a mile, though my time has gotten worse for having that break. It's one of the few things that makes me truly happy. I will go again tomorrow night, and that will be the extent of the swim hours they offer during the week. That's okay. Twice per week is okay with me. I won't even mind swimming in the dead of winter. Though I might only go once a week at that point.
At the end of today, this week will be half over for me. I'm taking Friday off, my first actual day off since May of this year. Its a special time for me because it's my ten year Berkeley-versary, and it marks ten years to the day since classes started in 2004 when I moved down here to change my life. It's been a great and terrible ten years. Grievous oversimplifications aside, there are a few things that stick out in my memory from my time at UCB.
Learning to be alone.
Actually being alone.
Walking to class in the pouring rain because I didn't have an umbrella.
Living in a place I didn't really care for.
Living in a place I loved.
Meeting Josie.
Living on my own for the first time.
Giving myself wholeheartedly to study.
Anime club, and realizing that there were about a thousand other people at Cal who I could share that with.
Realizing that the person you love might not be someone you can be around for the rest of your life.
You CAN be happy, no matter the circumstances.
Somestimes you give up, and things are still okay.
Family is not something you should ever rely on. They're just people, and they will act the way people act.
Sleep actually is something you need.
Food does not equal sleep.
Coffee and donuts at home on a Thursday morning watching the sunrise after very early discussion section.
I'm sad to say that the bad memories from that period of time outnumber the good ones, but that was entirely a result of my own inner workings. I could have been more diligent about getting help. I could have been more willing to see good instead of bad. Instead, I was hell bent on roping myself to the boulder that was my relationships which were doomed to failure from the moment I touched them. I chose what I chose. At the time, it was worth it. Looking back on it now, it was not. I want to go over these feelings more, especially with the ten year anniversary looming so close. I will likely take these feelings to coffee when I have some time and write them out. I wonder what will happen...
I have a lot of work to get done this week, and I'm not sure I'm going to make it, but I am going to try.