goodbye "puppy"
At roughly 1 PM yesterday there was still ice on the particular section of road that I had been worried about, due to the overshadowing forest. I'm rather glad that I drive carefully, and that the patches weren't at key places on corners (well... too many... it's the northern california mountains after all, famous for bad road conditions frozen pioneers, and the roads still claim people now and then. I got home safely though and checked in.
After hauling all my stuff in that I had brought over this trip and had rested enough to deal with turning on the computer to take care of a few things, I recieved some rather bad news. I mean bad news other than having to figure out why my laptop was being so stubborn and ultimately borrowing my mom's to get help fixing it.
Found out that my dog, Chubbs, is to be put down today at 12:30. The vet is coming out here instead of the old boy having to deal with an uncomfortable car ride for his last appointment.
I didn't sleep too well, but that news clarified for me a bit some of the meaning of a skull that was bothering me greatly in a dream that I'd had last night. Not all of it, but some of the meaning. And at least this part of the meaning can't be defeated with either magic (wands) or technology (guns). With discipline perhaps the psychological factors tied to that skull can be warded off, but it's hard work.
>.> I only ate maybe two thirds of my dinner last night. All my steak (matter of seconds), my salad (took much longer) and part of my potatoes and gravy. Normally that all would have been gone, but it's not exactly like I've been eating my best anyway. I definitely don't want to go jump on the scale and find out how much I weigh right now. I gave my leftover to my ancient puppy, in addition to his normal meal, mom ended up doing the same...
We let Lucky sleep inside last night, one last night with his dad. Both of them slept in my room. Chubbs has been trying to stay really close, so I've not been moving very far, especially with how mom says he was always looking for me while I was gone... At least right now he's resting comfortably.
I ended up bringing my wand to bed with me. I still have no clue why I did that, but I cried myself to sleep with my fox clutched in my left arm and gripping the (scepter size crystal tipped) wand in my right hand... sitting up since it was the only way I was able to breathe. I wanted to fill the room with love, I remember getting into bed with that intention firm, but the inner wellspring just... brought up a flood of plain outright grief.
I've not had coffee yet this morning, I don't feel like starting a pot, nor like boiling water for tea. I looked for an Ensure but didn't find any (maybe didn't look well enough), so I wound up grabbing a root beer... definitely not the healthiest choice. I doubt I'll get any writing done today either... I just want to go back to sleep and hibernate, place myself in a ring or sword (ring is the more concealable choice) completely and leave my body in suspended animation. I'd like to stay that way until the flames have died away and the ashes are cooling to strew new seeds and coax the ones awakened by the fire into growing...
With discipline I could do exactly that. But if I do that, I won't be able to go help the kids when I am needed (I already feel horrible enough that I can't take living under the same roof as Adam any longer in order to be with the kids). So I have to weather the flames. Surely there has got to be something in all this that can spur things on...
I'm so cold... When Moonbeam died I felt like I lost a son, a working partner, a writing buddy, friend, my confidante. Now I'm losing another son, working partner, friend, confidante... Yes, some animals I adopt as kids, especially if I raise them from babies, deal with it. Moonbeam and Chubbs are as much my kids as my biological kids are.
After hauling all my stuff in that I had brought over this trip and had rested enough to deal with turning on the computer to take care of a few things, I recieved some rather bad news. I mean bad news other than having to figure out why my laptop was being so stubborn and ultimately borrowing my mom's to get help fixing it.
Found out that my dog, Chubbs, is to be put down today at 12:30. The vet is coming out here instead of the old boy having to deal with an uncomfortable car ride for his last appointment.
I didn't sleep too well, but that news clarified for me a bit some of the meaning of a skull that was bothering me greatly in a dream that I'd had last night. Not all of it, but some of the meaning. And at least this part of the meaning can't be defeated with either magic (wands) or technology (guns). With discipline perhaps the psychological factors tied to that skull can be warded off, but it's hard work.
>.> I only ate maybe two thirds of my dinner last night. All my steak (matter of seconds), my salad (took much longer) and part of my potatoes and gravy. Normally that all would have been gone, but it's not exactly like I've been eating my best anyway. I definitely don't want to go jump on the scale and find out how much I weigh right now. I gave my leftover to my ancient puppy, in addition to his normal meal, mom ended up doing the same...
We let Lucky sleep inside last night, one last night with his dad. Both of them slept in my room. Chubbs has been trying to stay really close, so I've not been moving very far, especially with how mom says he was always looking for me while I was gone... At least right now he's resting comfortably.
I ended up bringing my wand to bed with me. I still have no clue why I did that, but I cried myself to sleep with my fox clutched in my left arm and gripping the (scepter size crystal tipped) wand in my right hand... sitting up since it was the only way I was able to breathe. I wanted to fill the room with love, I remember getting into bed with that intention firm, but the inner wellspring just... brought up a flood of plain outright grief.
I've not had coffee yet this morning, I don't feel like starting a pot, nor like boiling water for tea. I looked for an Ensure but didn't find any (maybe didn't look well enough), so I wound up grabbing a root beer... definitely not the healthiest choice. I doubt I'll get any writing done today either... I just want to go back to sleep and hibernate, place myself in a ring or sword (ring is the more concealable choice) completely and leave my body in suspended animation. I'd like to stay that way until the flames have died away and the ashes are cooling to strew new seeds and coax the ones awakened by the fire into growing...
With discipline I could do exactly that. But if I do that, I won't be able to go help the kids when I am needed (I already feel horrible enough that I can't take living under the same roof as Adam any longer in order to be with the kids). So I have to weather the flames. Surely there has got to be something in all this that can spur things on...
I'm so cold... When Moonbeam died I felt like I lost a son, a working partner, a writing buddy, friend, my confidante. Now I'm losing another son, working partner, friend, confidante... Yes, some animals I adopt as kids, especially if I raise them from babies, deal with it. Moonbeam and Chubbs are as much my kids as my biological kids are.