On last night
So, last night, the clouds came...
Mom called, at first she was calm, but at the end she was crying. Dad's colon burst open, and when she called they had just taken him in for emergency surgery.
Ok, so I freaked hearing mom crying, and so she wasn't the only one crying. I'm a bit ill, and I had the kids who I know would not behave in the hospita and certainly wasn't in any fit state to drive (windy road, super nausea, ovaries feeling like they're about to explode, hysterics... could see myself going off the road and making crap worse)... so at first I thought I wasn't going to be able to go. Then again, I'll admit I was in hysterics and not thinking. Not a very good reaction for a Priestess... funny how when it's one's parent, much of all that emotional control training vaporizes.
Vad was actually the one that calmed me enough to get thinking again, reminding me I could wear a mask to not breathe on anyone (don't want to pass the cold I have to an already near the veil man) and getting me to think of who could drive me.
Ended up having Trav and Jess watch the kids, and Adam took me down. Trav gave me his ice tea and insisted that I drink that on the way down and to eat my salad... Wasn't really hungry, but found myself devouring that on the way down, and oddly enough sucking up all the ki that I could.
Surprised that I took any tools with me, in the state that I was in... I was already wearing my normal jewelry, have been wearing the pouch with Benten-sama, my element beads, and that very special packet of hair. Only take that off now to shower... but I'd also grabbed my other pouch... Didn't change out of my kimono... Grabbed that dragon book for some sort of reading material... my main prayer beads, the dragon set I'd made from the amethyst beads long ago... My silver fox plushie...
That poor plush fox... I made quite the site carrying him around with me and fiddling with his ears... I don't care though, and mom said she'd have been carrying her Teddy if she'd remembered to pack him...
Anyway, on the way down, Hana and I did some work on confronting the fear of dad's impending death, and reclaiming our energy from it. We reached a point in the meditation where it was surrender or lose... I surrendered.
That's when I remembered Izanami and Izanagi. I've not been working with them much lately, and perhaps I have been a little too long in remembering that I can work with them and not just honor them. I found myself remembering how Izanami died giving birth to her son, a fire kami, how she was burned by him and died, thus having to go to live in Yomi... and I remembered how in grief and rage Izanagi killed his son, though other beings came from that.
Life comes from death and the confrontation of it.
I felt a change at that time, and calmed more, becoming a swirling vortex of energy, and somehow it was like all my forms and parts of myself came to alignment, and I was finally in... the Space... the Place... Between... Ready to fulfil my role, though with a few feelings that were not usual for me to have in that frame of mind.
And that doesn't mean that grief and fear didn't rise up like flames now and then during the course of the wait to find out how he would come out... But I was able to acknowledge when it happened and retain myself.
Halfway down, I realized that I hadn't put my large crystal in my purse. I usually do when going to important things... I asked Goruden why I had not felt the urge to grab that tool/companion to bring with me as well. He informed me that it was doing it's job acting as an anchor for now. It's currently sitting between my statues representing those two deities.
Goruden took that opportunity to remind me of other anchors to the world of the living... Vad, my kids, my mother, my brother and his family, the people I've adopted as family... friends...
Dad was in Mercy Medical Center down in Redding. It felt strange to go in to possibly say goodbye to dad in the building in which I was born. I'd been born up on the third floor in the West(?) wing... I could point it out when there, but right now my sense of direction is still shot. Dad was on the second floor on the opposite side of the building (very interesting to me).
My mask, though this isn't important, made me look like a duck, even in my red kimono with the gold dragons all over it... Iused this too advantage and did duck impressions during the wait in the waiting room when things started getting too heavy for everyone and people started getting too nervous. Yes, while still clutching that poor fox and my pouches. This same fox was pronounced to be a "Foxy" fox by mom much later last night... when it wasn't empty...
Yes, my thoughts jump still.
Finally, I got to see my dad... He was so small... I wasn't looking at my dad, but a shell on life support, at least at first. His belly was still large (mom said it was much smaller than before). Goruden was with me... I remember him saying to "do it now." I remember touching his arm, and it feeling so cold. I had to push through some sort of an invisible resistance to get to his skin, like a shell had formed between his body and our world.
I remember noting how I don't remember that happening when we'd had to put Eidgit to sleep, or other animals that I've kept company while they pass, or when I've found them gone...
It... was painful to put my hand through, and when I touched him it made my hand tingle painfully. I remember praying for him to be given the energy to support his transistion whichever way he needed to go.
I could feel myself in the column of light that is in the same room as the mirror in the Storm shrine, while also there with him, and a little coolness went through my hands while I prayed for him to have that strength...
He jumped, and his eyes opened. I saw shock, like he thought "I'm here? I'm alive?" and recognition of mom, BJ, and I. His eyes have always been a very dark brown... but they were blue, as pale as mine... but it was him...
After the I love yous... dad looked for the remote for his tv (that's actually a good sign, he was trying to stay awake), and the button for his pain medicine. We didn't stay long, he needed his rest. I continued praying over him (the pain at touch had gone away, but he was still very frail) and he fell asleep... Not surprised he fell asleep.
Found myself watching his vitals, they looked very good considering what mother had told me of them earlier.
We got to find out what happened. His colon had indeed ruptured, spilling gangrenous contents into his abdomen. They think they have it all out. If he makes it the next two days, then his colostomy bag won't be permanent, and they might be able to "put him back together" in three months, should he make it that far. The cause of the block was also found. He has another tumor in there... They think they can remove that too.
We shall see. I'm very thankful to those that were with me, not only in body, but also those with me with their spirit.
I remember when I slept last night, I was held very tightly. I think I mumbled a few times... can remember the impression of having a head nodded against me softly... but I was beyond forms and pure essence and energy... yet still being held close and tight... and when that precious presense left, it still held me at the same time... I think maybe I was inside the ring... I don't know... I'm still tired and a bit confused in some ways... He left for waking... but didn't leave... Similar how he can come to me during the day when I am very ill...
I need to eat...
Mom called, at first she was calm, but at the end she was crying. Dad's colon burst open, and when she called they had just taken him in for emergency surgery.
Ok, so I freaked hearing mom crying, and so she wasn't the only one crying. I'm a bit ill, and I had the kids who I know would not behave in the hospita and certainly wasn't in any fit state to drive (windy road, super nausea, ovaries feeling like they're about to explode, hysterics... could see myself going off the road and making crap worse)... so at first I thought I wasn't going to be able to go. Then again, I'll admit I was in hysterics and not thinking. Not a very good reaction for a Priestess... funny how when it's one's parent, much of all that emotional control training vaporizes.
Vad was actually the one that calmed me enough to get thinking again, reminding me I could wear a mask to not breathe on anyone (don't want to pass the cold I have to an already near the veil man) and getting me to think of who could drive me.
Ended up having Trav and Jess watch the kids, and Adam took me down. Trav gave me his ice tea and insisted that I drink that on the way down and to eat my salad... Wasn't really hungry, but found myself devouring that on the way down, and oddly enough sucking up all the ki that I could.
Surprised that I took any tools with me, in the state that I was in... I was already wearing my normal jewelry, have been wearing the pouch with Benten-sama, my element beads, and that very special packet of hair. Only take that off now to shower... but I'd also grabbed my other pouch... Didn't change out of my kimono... Grabbed that dragon book for some sort of reading material... my main prayer beads, the dragon set I'd made from the amethyst beads long ago... My silver fox plushie...
That poor plush fox... I made quite the site carrying him around with me and fiddling with his ears... I don't care though, and mom said she'd have been carrying her Teddy if she'd remembered to pack him...
Anyway, on the way down, Hana and I did some work on confronting the fear of dad's impending death, and reclaiming our energy from it. We reached a point in the meditation where it was surrender or lose... I surrendered.
That's when I remembered Izanami and Izanagi. I've not been working with them much lately, and perhaps I have been a little too long in remembering that I can work with them and not just honor them. I found myself remembering how Izanami died giving birth to her son, a fire kami, how she was burned by him and died, thus having to go to live in Yomi... and I remembered how in grief and rage Izanagi killed his son, though other beings came from that.
Life comes from death and the confrontation of it.
I felt a change at that time, and calmed more, becoming a swirling vortex of energy, and somehow it was like all my forms and parts of myself came to alignment, and I was finally in... the Space... the Place... Between... Ready to fulfil my role, though with a few feelings that were not usual for me to have in that frame of mind.
And that doesn't mean that grief and fear didn't rise up like flames now and then during the course of the wait to find out how he would come out... But I was able to acknowledge when it happened and retain myself.
Halfway down, I realized that I hadn't put my large crystal in my purse. I usually do when going to important things... I asked Goruden why I had not felt the urge to grab that tool/companion to bring with me as well. He informed me that it was doing it's job acting as an anchor for now. It's currently sitting between my statues representing those two deities.
Goruden took that opportunity to remind me of other anchors to the world of the living... Vad, my kids, my mother, my brother and his family, the people I've adopted as family... friends...
Dad was in Mercy Medical Center down in Redding. It felt strange to go in to possibly say goodbye to dad in the building in which I was born. I'd been born up on the third floor in the West(?) wing... I could point it out when there, but right now my sense of direction is still shot. Dad was on the second floor on the opposite side of the building (very interesting to me).
My mask, though this isn't important, made me look like a duck, even in my red kimono with the gold dragons all over it... Iused this too advantage and did duck impressions during the wait in the waiting room when things started getting too heavy for everyone and people started getting too nervous. Yes, while still clutching that poor fox and my pouches. This same fox was pronounced to be a "Foxy" fox by mom much later last night... when it wasn't empty...
Yes, my thoughts jump still.
Finally, I got to see my dad... He was so small... I wasn't looking at my dad, but a shell on life support, at least at first. His belly was still large (mom said it was much smaller than before). Goruden was with me... I remember him saying to "do it now." I remember touching his arm, and it feeling so cold. I had to push through some sort of an invisible resistance to get to his skin, like a shell had formed between his body and our world.
I remember noting how I don't remember that happening when we'd had to put Eidgit to sleep, or other animals that I've kept company while they pass, or when I've found them gone...
It... was painful to put my hand through, and when I touched him it made my hand tingle painfully. I remember praying for him to be given the energy to support his transistion whichever way he needed to go.
I could feel myself in the column of light that is in the same room as the mirror in the Storm shrine, while also there with him, and a little coolness went through my hands while I prayed for him to have that strength...
He jumped, and his eyes opened. I saw shock, like he thought "I'm here? I'm alive?" and recognition of mom, BJ, and I. His eyes have always been a very dark brown... but they were blue, as pale as mine... but it was him...
After the I love yous... dad looked for the remote for his tv (that's actually a good sign, he was trying to stay awake), and the button for his pain medicine. We didn't stay long, he needed his rest. I continued praying over him (the pain at touch had gone away, but he was still very frail) and he fell asleep... Not surprised he fell asleep.
Found myself watching his vitals, they looked very good considering what mother had told me of them earlier.
We got to find out what happened. His colon had indeed ruptured, spilling gangrenous contents into his abdomen. They think they have it all out. If he makes it the next two days, then his colostomy bag won't be permanent, and they might be able to "put him back together" in three months, should he make it that far. The cause of the block was also found. He has another tumor in there... They think they can remove that too.
We shall see. I'm very thankful to those that were with me, not only in body, but also those with me with their spirit.
I remember when I slept last night, I was held very tightly. I think I mumbled a few times... can remember the impression of having a head nodded against me softly... but I was beyond forms and pure essence and energy... yet still being held close and tight... and when that precious presense left, it still held me at the same time... I think maybe I was inside the ring... I don't know... I'm still tired and a bit confused in some ways... He left for waking... but didn't leave... Similar how he can come to me during the day when I am very ill...
I need to eat...