another downer post
Most people my age don't have to deal with what I have to. They don't have a mother who is sick and in practically constant pain. They don't have to wonder how their mother is going to feel when she wakes up in the morning. They don't put pressure on themselves to do everything or get upset when their mother does something that hurts her because they should've gotten off their lazy asses and done it themselves. They don't feel useless because they don't have a job even though they know they can't apply because their transcript just got in the mail and employers need that. They don't feel like they have to do everything right to avoid having someone upset at them or to make themselves happy.
And that's just the beginning of what my mind goes through in a typical day. I can't be happy for an entire day. I can't have one day without worrying about something. I just can't. I hate it. I know the medicine she's on makes her have bad days, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to cry when it happens. I know nobody's perfect, but that doesn't stop me from getting angry and upset when I make a mistake. I know I can't do everything, but that doesn't stop me from thinking that I have to. Or from calling myself a lazy ass when my parents get up to do something that I'm capable of doing. I fully believe this would not have happened if my mom hadn't been hospitalized and therefore putting all the responsibilities like that on me. That really fucked with my head and it's gotten me to a point where I wonder if I'm in some sort of depression.
And then there's the weight thing. I've repeatedly called myself fat. I've told myself that I can't wear certain things b/c my arms are too fat and nobody wants to see all that jiggling. It's why I refuse to wear sleeveless things. I know I have a lot to lose, and I'm honestly trying. I've lost about 8 pounds over the past few months. But when I eat "bad" foods, I feel guilty. I'm obsessive about calories. I've turned down things I know are good because they have a lot of calories. I've considered making myself sick after eating but I can't get up the courage. I've also considered going without food. Eating as few calories as possible. Because to me, thanks to the way men are and how women are portrayed in media, thin is beautiful. Fat people like me can't be pretty. Fat women aren't attractive to men. Skinny girls get the attention. Skinny girls are considered beautiful. I'm trying to lose so I won't run the risk for health problems/so I can have better chances for having children but I'm also doing it for shallow reasons. People call me pretty but I don't feel it. I want to feel pretty and I think this is the way I have to do it.
So yes. I'm not the happy, music-playing, Jonathan-fangirling (I say that loosely), writing, crafting person I seem to be on the outside. There's a place in my mind that very few people have seen into...and that was it.