A vent session from me -- long entry ahead.
Put under a cut for length...and sort of subject matter...
Isn't it amazing...how a piece of music can bring you to tears? I had a really rough evening, what with going to this fundraiser for cancer research, which hits home for me, and then getting lonely whilst shopping for groceries. The entire ride home, I was just...I wanted to be in my own little world, away from it all. My mom even asked me if everything was okay. I lied. I couldn't tell her how I really felt, because then she would start asking me about why I felt that way. So I got online to talk to someone (who turns out was in bed, grar)...and ended up on one of my favorite sites, YouTube. I had subscribed to this pianist yesterday evening, and I was wanting to listen to the rest of his postings. I found this song he called "Depression to Peace" and thought it fit me perfectly. I began to listen, and it was as if everything that I've been harboring inside of my mind for so long just came out. I began to cry. All of the night's emotions came out of me. I ended up crying into one of the throw pillows on my couch all because a piece of music touched me. The person who composed it is truly gifted.
I have been harboring a lot, but some things I just can't talk about. I've always thought that I was supposed to handle everything on my own. People have enough problems to deal with, so I shouldn't force them to deal with mine. I've always been the one to say that everything is okay when I really want to scream for help. I am the girl who will bury herself in her work to distract herself from what's really going on. Soemtimes, all I want is for someone to notice me. For someone to invite me to lunch or whatever. For someone to talk to me. It's times like this, when I'm pouring my heart into this text box, that I feel alone. Like the world is going by at the speed of light while I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm sitting in a corner crying out for someone to just see me and nobody even hears me.
I just wish I could tell the people who know me in real life all of this, but at the same time I don't. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I've got more in my life than they know about. If I were to tell people, all I would want is support, because that's what I would need the most. I would want them to be there for me when I need them. I suppose that's how I would tell my true friends. I already know I've got one in Jennifer. When I told her part of what's going on, she wished me the best. I love her so much and easily count her as one of my best friends. I just wish I had met her sooner. I honestly feel like she's beginning to replace Amanda. I barely talk to her anymore, and she doesn't return my messages. I tried. If she doesn't want to keep up communication...then I don't know. We've been best friends since we were 13, but things haven't been the same since she moved away. I do miss her, but I know she probably won't be coming back here since she stopped going out with one of the guys I graduated with.
Maybe this is why I haven't been able to write like before. I just have so much on my mind that it's preventing me from writing. My mom was right, I do need someone to vent to. And if someone actually makes it to this point in the entry, I'll feel great. I don't care if they don't leave a comment, but I'd still be happy if they did. I just...I felt like I needed to post about my reaction to this piece of music, and this happened. I don't know if it's a product of being exhausted or what. I feel better, yes, but at the same time, I feel that there's so much more inside of me. But I feel a little lighter, mentally speaking. That has to mean something.
Isn't it amazing...how a piece of music can bring you to tears? I had a really rough evening, what with going to this fundraiser for cancer research, which hits home for me, and then getting lonely whilst shopping for groceries. The entire ride home, I was just...I wanted to be in my own little world, away from it all. My mom even asked me if everything was okay. I lied. I couldn't tell her how I really felt, because then she would start asking me about why I felt that way. So I got online to talk to someone (who turns out was in bed, grar)...and ended up on one of my favorite sites, YouTube. I had subscribed to this pianist yesterday evening, and I was wanting to listen to the rest of his postings. I found this song he called "Depression to Peace" and thought it fit me perfectly. I began to listen, and it was as if everything that I've been harboring inside of my mind for so long just came out. I began to cry. All of the night's emotions came out of me. I ended up crying into one of the throw pillows on my couch all because a piece of music touched me. The person who composed it is truly gifted.
I have been harboring a lot, but some things I just can't talk about. I've always thought that I was supposed to handle everything on my own. People have enough problems to deal with, so I shouldn't force them to deal with mine. I've always been the one to say that everything is okay when I really want to scream for help. I am the girl who will bury herself in her work to distract herself from what's really going on. Soemtimes, all I want is for someone to notice me. For someone to invite me to lunch or whatever. For someone to talk to me. It's times like this, when I'm pouring my heart into this text box, that I feel alone. Like the world is going by at the speed of light while I'm moving in slow motion. Like I'm sitting in a corner crying out for someone to just see me and nobody even hears me.
I just wish I could tell the people who know me in real life all of this, but at the same time I don't. I don't want people to feel sorry for me because I've got more in my life than they know about. If I were to tell people, all I would want is support, because that's what I would need the most. I would want them to be there for me when I need them. I suppose that's how I would tell my true friends. I already know I've got one in Jennifer. When I told her part of what's going on, she wished me the best. I love her so much and easily count her as one of my best friends. I just wish I had met her sooner. I honestly feel like she's beginning to replace Amanda. I barely talk to her anymore, and she doesn't return my messages. I tried. If she doesn't want to keep up communication...then I don't know. We've been best friends since we were 13, but things haven't been the same since she moved away. I do miss her, but I know she probably won't be coming back here since she stopped going out with one of the guys I graduated with.
Maybe this is why I haven't been able to write like before. I just have so much on my mind that it's preventing me from writing. My mom was right, I do need someone to vent to. And if someone actually makes it to this point in the entry, I'll feel great. I don't care if they don't leave a comment, but I'd still be happy if they did. I just...I felt like I needed to post about my reaction to this piece of music, and this happened. I don't know if it's a product of being exhausted or what. I feel better, yes, but at the same time, I feel that there's so much more inside of me. But I feel a little lighter, mentally speaking. That has to mean something.