(no subject)
When I was little, about three or four, and adults asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up, I'd say *A famous ballerina*
And when someone laughed and inquired how I knew I'd be famous I gave them a withering look and replied:
*You can't seriously think I'll be just ordinary.*
Ah, the confidence of youth. :)
There are other memories of the termedously self-assured person I was once. I know I had very definate opinions about books ever since I could talk, classing certain ones as *stupid*. Or I'd list reasons why a certain story was bad and ways in which it could be improved. If someone asked me how I thought up the stories I was telling my dolls I'd tell them *They are like the stories I heard only much better*
I'm not sure when I began to lose that confidence. I know most of it was gone by age of eight, I remember it eroding in pieces, through getting shouted at or de-valued, and thinking that grown-ups must know better than me because they were bigger and there were more of them. That if what they said contradicted what I felt, since they were bigger than me thier wisdom would also be greater, and the fact that so much of what I felt contradicted external messages/teachings only meant that I was useless and stupid and wrong and that my feelings/insincts/thoughts could not be trusted.
It is still difficult for me, to follow what I feel is right on the inside. Because it feels... frightening and shockingly self-indulgent.
I'm attending a ten-week training course to do with working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Despite the hour long commute each way, and the cold, and the fact that I left with whopper of a headache, I've really enjoyed the first session and am looking forward to next week's. I think the migraine had more to do with other people than me, I must be more mindful when it comes to shielding otherwise I sometimes pick up and absorb other people's heaviness like a sponge.
I think it will be potentially a very challenging course, we will be doing some very deep stuff emotionally, including role play and I know that can take its toll. I've made space for it in my own life, yet deep is where I want to go. I yearn for the profound exploration of the psyche, my own and that of others. To find depths and secrets and the thousand different facets of a situation or a human being. To dive in and explore that which is hidden.
I am curious to see how many people will drop out. I am the only one of the trainees so far with anything resembling calm and confidence. Everyone else is quaking and part of it makes me question my own feelings of self-assuredness, my own feelings that I do know what I am doing.
I am very proud of myself because I managed to drag myself out of bed this morning and go to the gym, even though it was a really ungodly hour of 7:30 am. I did quite a few exercises, also got shown some exercises to try which would get me fit without straining my knee and I am really buzzed. I am very very very proud of myself. I aim to get into that bloody gym as often as I can.
My goal at the minute is three times a week at least, but hopefully five, three gym sessions and two sessions in the swimming pool.
Because as much as I hate getting up doing that exercise really made me feel soooooooooo good. True, the only reason why I actually made it down in the first place is because the nice trainer man said he'd show me how all the machines worked and give me pointers on safe ways for me to exercise but hey, it got my butt out of bed regardless of how much my butt wanted to stay in bed.
The best thing is I dragged myself to the gym with remnants of a migraine and after the exercise my headache went away. :)
I have firm intentions of going back there tomorrow. :) I hope if I get myself into a disciplined groove early enough I can keep it up. And to channel the tiredness/negativity I feel into exercise.
I did better than I thought I would, but I was very focused on my breathing and was able to push past muscle pain, so I'm very happy with myself.
And when someone laughed and inquired how I knew I'd be famous I gave them a withering look and replied:
*You can't seriously think I'll be just ordinary.*
Ah, the confidence of youth. :)
There are other memories of the termedously self-assured person I was once. I know I had very definate opinions about books ever since I could talk, classing certain ones as *stupid*. Or I'd list reasons why a certain story was bad and ways in which it could be improved. If someone asked me how I thought up the stories I was telling my dolls I'd tell them *They are like the stories I heard only much better*
I'm not sure when I began to lose that confidence. I know most of it was gone by age of eight, I remember it eroding in pieces, through getting shouted at or de-valued, and thinking that grown-ups must know better than me because they were bigger and there were more of them. That if what they said contradicted what I felt, since they were bigger than me thier wisdom would also be greater, and the fact that so much of what I felt contradicted external messages/teachings only meant that I was useless and stupid and wrong and that my feelings/insincts/thoughts could not be trusted.
It is still difficult for me, to follow what I feel is right on the inside. Because it feels... frightening and shockingly self-indulgent.
I'm attending a ten-week training course to do with working with adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse. Despite the hour long commute each way, and the cold, and the fact that I left with whopper of a headache, I've really enjoyed the first session and am looking forward to next week's. I think the migraine had more to do with other people than me, I must be more mindful when it comes to shielding otherwise I sometimes pick up and absorb other people's heaviness like a sponge.
I think it will be potentially a very challenging course, we will be doing some very deep stuff emotionally, including role play and I know that can take its toll. I've made space for it in my own life, yet deep is where I want to go. I yearn for the profound exploration of the psyche, my own and that of others. To find depths and secrets and the thousand different facets of a situation or a human being. To dive in and explore that which is hidden.
I am curious to see how many people will drop out. I am the only one of the trainees so far with anything resembling calm and confidence. Everyone else is quaking and part of it makes me question my own feelings of self-assuredness, my own feelings that I do know what I am doing.
I am very proud of myself because I managed to drag myself out of bed this morning and go to the gym, even though it was a really ungodly hour of 7:30 am. I did quite a few exercises, also got shown some exercises to try which would get me fit without straining my knee and I am really buzzed. I am very very very proud of myself. I aim to get into that bloody gym as often as I can.
My goal at the minute is three times a week at least, but hopefully five, three gym sessions and two sessions in the swimming pool.
Because as much as I hate getting up doing that exercise really made me feel soooooooooo good. True, the only reason why I actually made it down in the first place is because the nice trainer man said he'd show me how all the machines worked and give me pointers on safe ways for me to exercise but hey, it got my butt out of bed regardless of how much my butt wanted to stay in bed.
The best thing is I dragged myself to the gym with remnants of a migraine and after the exercise my headache went away. :)
I have firm intentions of going back there tomorrow. :) I hope if I get myself into a disciplined groove early enough I can keep it up. And to channel the tiredness/negativity I feel into exercise.
I did better than I thought I would, but I was very focused on my breathing and was able to push past muscle pain, so I'm very happy with myself.