For December, my life gets a GLOBAL FAIL
Ways in which the Universe has made me weep lately:
1)To the wanker who stole all my money and used it to pay for taxis and hotels via internet fraud - I wish you would be one of those people end up killed in freak accidents by their beds or the laundry or something.
2)To my bank who authorised the transfers of large sums of money from my account without bothering to contact me, until it rejected my card in the supermarket a few days later and sent me a kind letter saying I had exceeded my overdraft limit that will be x fee please - I make glarey eyes and think of you in a shouty voice. Also, I should warn you right now that I do not intend to pay those fees.
3)To the council that cashed my check for service charges but then saw fit to lie about it and refer my details to a debt collecting agency who sent me a kind letter saying they wanted the money I HAD ALREADY PAID plus £200 for their kind service of breaking my kneecaps collecting this debt - I have actual proof from my bank the cheque has cleared which I shall wave in your face very soon WHILE making glary eyes and shouty voices.
4)Dear Universe, although I appreciate all these hints to make this Christmas economically sensible, I think you can stop now, because Universe, I need to eat. And the baby needs diapers and eats more than I do. Thank you kindly.
5) To yesterday's client re: your kind offer to 'fuck me up'- thank you but no.
6)To my son - my darling, though I cherish your adventurous spirit, the union between your nose and the furniture will never be a happy one. I suggest you learn this lesson as soon as possible. I want you to know that although your injuries may have a karmic component to them*, they give me no joy whatsoever and you can stop with them now.
Matei's Cranium: 1, Nina's Cheekbone: 0
My newest unlikely explanation for my black eye : "The baby hit me."
This is what comes of trying to comfort the congested little ingrate in the comfort of the parental bed, while he thrashes around wildly and headbutts all and sundry.
1)To the wanker who stole all my money and used it to pay for taxis and hotels via internet fraud - I wish you would be one of those people end up killed in freak accidents by their beds or the laundry or something.
2)To my bank who authorised the transfers of large sums of money from my account without bothering to contact me, until it rejected my card in the supermarket a few days later and sent me a kind letter saying I had exceeded my overdraft limit that will be x fee please - I make glarey eyes and think of you in a shouty voice. Also, I should warn you right now that I do not intend to pay those fees.
3)To the council that cashed my check for service charges but then saw fit to lie about it and refer my details to a debt collecting agency who sent me a kind letter saying they wanted the money I HAD ALREADY PAID plus £200 for their kind service of breaking my kneecaps collecting this debt - I have actual proof from my bank the cheque has cleared which I shall wave in your face very soon WHILE making glary eyes and shouty voices.
4)Dear Universe, although I appreciate all these hints to make this Christmas economically sensible, I think you can stop now, because Universe, I need to eat. And the baby needs diapers and eats more than I do. Thank you kindly.
5) To yesterday's client re: your kind offer to 'fuck me up'- thank you but no.
6)To my son - my darling, though I cherish your adventurous spirit, the union between your nose and the furniture will never be a happy one. I suggest you learn this lesson as soon as possible. I want you to know that although your injuries may have a karmic component to them*, they give me no joy whatsoever and you can stop with them now.
Matei's Cranium: 1, Nina's Cheekbone: 0
My newest unlikely explanation for my black eye : "The baby hit me."
This is what comes of trying to comfort the congested little ingrate in the comfort of the parental bed, while he thrashes around wildly and headbutts all and sundry.