Memory Lanes
These are some of the things my grandmother said to me when I was growing up:
*The Jews are a stupid and evil people. They are liars and cheats.*
I am a quarter Jew. Therefore perhaps only a quarter stupid and evil and unloveable. But I am still a quarter Jew. Somewhere in me I have bad blood.
*I love you and because I love you I sacrificed myself for you. i do not go out anywhere. You are my entire life. I do not have anyone but you, because you are so important to me. yOu are more important than anyone else* (and when she wanted to punish me she would say *now I've had enough of you and I am walking away. I am leaving the house* and she'd go to get her hat and coat and umbrella while I clung to her legs having hysterics and begging her not to go. I'll be good I'll be good, please don't leave, please don't leave )
*I raised you. I gave up all this time for you. I still sacrifice for you. I would do anythign for you, give up anything for you* and she also said *If I find out that you love anyone as much as you love me it will kill me. And I will lose my will to live. I will hang myself from the balcony and when you come home from school and see me you will know that it was your fault*.
Because to love is to suffer. To love is to sacrifice. To love is to be sacrificed. You must give up everything, your whole self to the one you love. Absolute love is absolute giving. Otherwise you are cold and unfeeling and lying. Otherwise it is not good enough.
she said:
*You are a bad, bad girl. You are an unfeeling, insensitive, selfish girl. You do not love me. You do not care for me at all.*
she said:
*I raised you, I nursed you, I did everything for you but you turn your back on me. I wish I was dead. You are the only one I have left in the world and you've abandoned me*
and these are the things I said silently for years, in response, though I did not know I was saying them at the time.
If i feel guilty, will you forgive me? Will you still love me?
If I hurt myself, if I bleed, will this absolve me? Will it make me less bad?
*The Jews are a stupid and evil people. They are liars and cheats.*
I am a quarter Jew. Therefore perhaps only a quarter stupid and evil and unloveable. But I am still a quarter Jew. Somewhere in me I have bad blood.
*I love you and because I love you I sacrificed myself for you. i do not go out anywhere. You are my entire life. I do not have anyone but you, because you are so important to me. yOu are more important than anyone else* (and when she wanted to punish me she would say *now I've had enough of you and I am walking away. I am leaving the house* and she'd go to get her hat and coat and umbrella while I clung to her legs having hysterics and begging her not to go. I'll be good I'll be good, please don't leave, please don't leave )
*I raised you. I gave up all this time for you. I still sacrifice for you. I would do anythign for you, give up anything for you* and she also said *If I find out that you love anyone as much as you love me it will kill me. And I will lose my will to live. I will hang myself from the balcony and when you come home from school and see me you will know that it was your fault*.
Because to love is to suffer. To love is to sacrifice. To love is to be sacrificed. You must give up everything, your whole self to the one you love. Absolute love is absolute giving. Otherwise you are cold and unfeeling and lying. Otherwise it is not good enough.
she said:
*You are a bad, bad girl. You are an unfeeling, insensitive, selfish girl. You do not love me. You do not care for me at all.*
she said:
*I raised you, I nursed you, I did everything for you but you turn your back on me. I wish I was dead. You are the only one I have left in the world and you've abandoned me*
and these are the things I said silently for years, in response, though I did not know I was saying them at the time.
If i feel guilty, will you forgive me? Will you still love me?
If I hurt myself, if I bleed, will this absolve me? Will it make me less bad?