February 19, 2009

[rainsilentnight]

I’m not sure I quite understand. And before you ask me, “What, pray tell?” let me cut you off and say: I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t know what I know anymore, and I don’t know what I don’t understand. Well maybe that’s a lie. I think I do know what I don’t understand. And that, my friend, is everything. I don’t understand anything in this existence. Period. There is no more explanation to that. Bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. Good people don’t deserve bad things, and I’m not talking about myself. I’m talking about all people who are a benefit to society, and I don’t happen to be one of them. And while I do write with a singular person in mind, that doesn’t change the fact that I believe good things shouldn’t happen to bad people and bad things shouldn’t happen to good people. I don’t understand how it is that Justin, while a distinctly bad person, perhaps even down to his heart, always falls into shit and comes out smelling like a rose, while other people get hit by his backlash, such as myself and my mother, and we suffer. We’re the ones who are suffering for his mistakes. And while a jail cell isn’t exactly posh, it’s better than living in a house at someone else’s mercy, knowing when you wake up everyday could be your last with someplace to stay or food to eat. I don’t know, some days I think I would rather be in jail than here in the real world. Here everything is redundant, ridiculous, and harder than it should be. I’m a firm believer in “It’s really not that hard, but if you think it is it will be.” Except in this case, it is. It’s harder than it should be; it’s harder than you even think it is. It feels a lot like there’s no reason to wake up in the morning anymore. Actually, it’s kind of pathetic really, I just beat Kingdom Hearts Two, and it’s not that I feel disappointed, but I feel almost like I lost of a little of my self, because it’s one less thing I have. I suppose one less reason to get up. Though relatively meaningless in almost all aspects, it was giving me something to do, something to think about other than everything at once. It’s an engaging game, full of meaning, probably because of Disney, but at the same time while the meaning is… I suppose you could say it comes across as childish; it still has a very valid point. I have a lot of darkness in my heart, and I’m to a point where I wonder if I should just go back to it. I remember back when I was consumed by that portion of my personality, it was good to be numb. I kind of wish I was back there, to that again. Things would in fact be easier. I don’t know anymore. Whatever.

Pray for me before you go to bed,
cause God’s obviously not talking to me.

Flamez.