Ninja Assassin: A deep, hard-hitting cinematic experience our tiny brains cannot comprehend.
Ninja Assassin
She's a government researcher. He's a gentleman of morally dubious character with some skill in martial arts. Together, HEADS ROLL! LITERALLY! IT'S AWESOME!
THE END.
Wait, you need more?
THE END.
This is Raizo. Or as I call him, Dr. Cool.
This is Raizo's very important training.
This is Raizo's firm, slick, sweaty body, contorting and straining its tiger-like muscles in a feast for our eyes. Are you getting a feel for the plot yet?
In his childhood, Raizo was trained as a...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
A ninja assassin.
This causes him much internal turmoil as he drapes himself across furniture and contemplates his fate.
If you think this is gratuitous, just wait for the 29376463 bondage scenes. Where will he be restrained next? The wrists? The neck? Those ropes slung low over his delectable hips? This movie could make an S/M fan out of a little old church lady.
HIT HIM HARDER! HARDER!
This is Mika.
Mika is a... government something. Researcher? Agent? It doesn't really matter, because ninjas weren't in her job description anyway. Silly Mika, not being prepared for ninjas.
I like to think of these as her ninjas faces. As in, "what the fuck, ninjas?!"
"Maybe I'm in the wrong movie. Maybe this is actually Professional Businessman Assassin."
"Nope. Still a ninja."
"So you're like a ninja... and an assassin?"
"I know, I didn't see it coming either."
I could explain the story, but no one really cares. Let's just look at them being sexy and flirty, shall we?
He teases her when they're three seconds from decapitation! She kneels by his bedside when he's bloody and unconscious... and shirtless!
AND BONDAGE. DID I MENTION THE BONDAGE?
HER FACES: STILL HILARIOUS.
An amusing theme of this movie is how it slams ~ancient Asian mysticism~ right smack into the modern world. Black-clad warriors fight on major metropolis rooftops, and at one point Mika wildly drives a getaway vehicle while dodging throwing stars.
YES, THOSE ARE NINJAS SWORDFIGHTING IN THE MIDDLE OF TRAFFIC. EMBRACE IT. LOVE IT.
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE TRUE MEANING OF EPIC. IT'S NOT EPIC UNTIL YOU BLEEEEEEEEED!
Which happens... a lot.
A lot.
Violence is pretty much par for the course, considering that Raizo is a... hang on, I forgot. What was it? Something to do with assassins...
I should mention this is actually a fully English movie, but since it has Rain (RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN) I'm pimping it anyway.
STEPHEN COLBERT WOULD WANT YOU TO WATCH.
She's a government researcher. He's a gentleman of morally dubious character with some skill in martial arts. Together, HEADS ROLL! LITERALLY! IT'S AWESOME!
THE END.
Wait, you need more?
THE END.
This is Raizo. Or as I call him, Dr. Cool.
This is Raizo's very important training.
This is Raizo's firm, slick, sweaty body, contorting and straining its tiger-like muscles in a feast for our eyes. Are you getting a feel for the plot yet?
In his childhood, Raizo was trained as a...
Wait for it...
Wait for it...
A ninja assassin.
This causes him much internal turmoil as he drapes himself across furniture and contemplates his fate.
If you think this is gratuitous, just wait for the 29376463 bondage scenes. Where will he be restrained next? The wrists? The neck? Those ropes slung low over his delectable hips? This movie could make an S/M fan out of a little old church lady.
HIT HIM HARDER! HARDER!
This is Mika.
Mika is a... government something. Researcher? Agent? It doesn't really matter, because ninjas weren't in her job description anyway. Silly Mika, not being prepared for ninjas.
I like to think of these as her ninjas faces. As in, "what the fuck, ninjas?!"
"Maybe I'm in the wrong movie. Maybe this is actually Professional Businessman Assassin."
"Nope. Still a ninja."
"So you're like a ninja... and an assassin?"
"I know, I didn't see it coming either."
I could explain the story, but no one really cares. Let's just look at them being sexy and flirty, shall we?
He teases her when they're three seconds from decapitation! She kneels by his bedside when he's bloody and unconscious... and shirtless!
AND BONDAGE. DID I MENTION THE BONDAGE?
HER FACES: STILL HILARIOUS.
An amusing theme of this movie is how it slams ~ancient Asian mysticism~ right smack into the modern world. Black-clad warriors fight on major metropolis rooftops, and at one point Mika wildly drives a getaway vehicle while dodging throwing stars.
YES, THOSE ARE NINJAS SWORDFIGHTING IN THE MIDDLE OF TRAFFIC. EMBRACE IT. LOVE IT.
YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND THE TRUE MEANING OF EPIC. IT'S NOT EPIC UNTIL YOU BLEEEEEEEEED!
Which happens... a lot.
A lot.
Violence is pretty much par for the course, considering that Raizo is a... hang on, I forgot. What was it? Something to do with assassins...
I should mention this is actually a fully English movie, but since it has Rain (RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAIN) I'm pimping it anyway.
STEPHEN COLBERT WOULD WANT YOU TO WATCH.