(no subject)
When I'm lost in this ocean of darkness
Not knowing which way I should turn
And my eyes are filled with sadness
Of knowing you'll never return
Odd how little things can make you realize where you are in life. Its 2am, I can't sleep infact I have only been home for about 3 hours so I am still stung out from work. I am not mad or upset that my job took that long to get done, it happens and its what I signed up for. What gets me and what has a lump in my throat (still from this weekend) is what else is missing. I came home and my apartment was dark. Not like its night and there is no light, but it felt kinda like a dark church.... Have you ever been in the Chapel when it was dark you just feel like there is a good reason you shouldn't be there. Thats the feeling I got when I walked in my apartment tonight. There was no sign of life. As strange as it sounds, its alot like a mirror to my mind right now. I don't have any friends or time for them out here. Yeah I have buddies but no one like bruce or andy or G. There is no one out here that I can BS with at midnight over coffee at WH. Steph I miss those random trips. Sad to say but I can't even call the one person who might know what I am going through because she is 5 hours behind me.... and even she is not in the same state of mind that I am. For the first time in my life I am "completely" alone despite seeing people on a daily basis.
As depressed as this sounds I know its a phase and was brought on by of all things Easter. The tridium made me realize where I stand. More because of where my mind took me than because of where I was. At every service I was in Columbia, the memories of the last four years flooded back into light and as bad as it sounds to say it meant more to me than the services here and now. That makes no sense unless you know what I was seeing. The thing that made the whole weekend harder was seeing the families together and realizing that my family and those I consider family were 1500 miles away.
I think the going away is just now getting to me because for the first time since I left Columbia I have had the time to reflect and the need to reflect over the last year of my life. When I was in school I was busy and occupied with learning my job. Now I can do my job on autopilot. The old saying that any monkey with a typewriter could do my job is so true. I honestly think a monkey could do my job, partly because I am starting to clean house and am finding alot of shit that should not have been kept and am really wondering if the Capt that had my job before me was something out of the planet of the Apes.
Add to this all the fact that I can't complain or talk about my job. My command sees it as a numbers game and that I was the best one for the job. Part of me wonders if its a willingness to sacrifice me because of circumstance or because of some talent, skill, or drive that they see. Most 2LT's would be working in troop jobs as platoon leaders (a qualigying job). In artillery they have to have a job as a PL or as a fire direction officer or as a fire support officer. Right now in my staff job it is likely that I will spend my first year and a half in the Army in staff jobs (which are not qualifying) maybe even my first 4 or 5 years like that. The long and short of it is in a 20 year career most officers can hope for a total of 5 years of troop time. I am missing 3 of those pretty much off the bat.
I just don't know what to do right now. Going back into the National Guard will pretty much mean I can't move past MAJ but the way my career is shaping right now the same is true. So the question becomes do I sacrifice structure and family for a dream or do I try to find something steady that will allow me the other things I really want too. Sean I have alot of admiration for you for making the choice you did. Deciding to have a family and a wife while sacrificing what you think is a calling. I just don't know which is the calling and which is the dream because right now they seem exclusive of one another.
So what got me thinking all this today... it was 10 after 5 and I watched 3 different wives call their husbands wondering where they were, because it was after 5 and they wern't home yet. The last time someone called wondering where I was or why I was running late was sometime last year when I was running late for dinner with friends I can't even remember. No one even really notices little things like that, but they do hit home everynow and again.
Not knowing which way I should turn
And my eyes are filled with sadness
Of knowing you'll never return
Odd how little things can make you realize where you are in life. Its 2am, I can't sleep infact I have only been home for about 3 hours so I am still stung out from work. I am not mad or upset that my job took that long to get done, it happens and its what I signed up for. What gets me and what has a lump in my throat (still from this weekend) is what else is missing. I came home and my apartment was dark. Not like its night and there is no light, but it felt kinda like a dark church.... Have you ever been in the Chapel when it was dark you just feel like there is a good reason you shouldn't be there. Thats the feeling I got when I walked in my apartment tonight. There was no sign of life. As strange as it sounds, its alot like a mirror to my mind right now. I don't have any friends or time for them out here. Yeah I have buddies but no one like bruce or andy or G. There is no one out here that I can BS with at midnight over coffee at WH. Steph I miss those random trips. Sad to say but I can't even call the one person who might know what I am going through because she is 5 hours behind me.... and even she is not in the same state of mind that I am. For the first time in my life I am "completely" alone despite seeing people on a daily basis.
As depressed as this sounds I know its a phase and was brought on by of all things Easter. The tridium made me realize where I stand. More because of where my mind took me than because of where I was. At every service I was in Columbia, the memories of the last four years flooded back into light and as bad as it sounds to say it meant more to me than the services here and now. That makes no sense unless you know what I was seeing. The thing that made the whole weekend harder was seeing the families together and realizing that my family and those I consider family were 1500 miles away.
I think the going away is just now getting to me because for the first time since I left Columbia I have had the time to reflect and the need to reflect over the last year of my life. When I was in school I was busy and occupied with learning my job. Now I can do my job on autopilot. The old saying that any monkey with a typewriter could do my job is so true. I honestly think a monkey could do my job, partly because I am starting to clean house and am finding alot of shit that should not have been kept and am really wondering if the Capt that had my job before me was something out of the planet of the Apes.
Add to this all the fact that I can't complain or talk about my job. My command sees it as a numbers game and that I was the best one for the job. Part of me wonders if its a willingness to sacrifice me because of circumstance or because of some talent, skill, or drive that they see. Most 2LT's would be working in troop jobs as platoon leaders (a qualigying job). In artillery they have to have a job as a PL or as a fire direction officer or as a fire support officer. Right now in my staff job it is likely that I will spend my first year and a half in the Army in staff jobs (which are not qualifying) maybe even my first 4 or 5 years like that. The long and short of it is in a 20 year career most officers can hope for a total of 5 years of troop time. I am missing 3 of those pretty much off the bat.
I just don't know what to do right now. Going back into the National Guard will pretty much mean I can't move past MAJ but the way my career is shaping right now the same is true. So the question becomes do I sacrifice structure and family for a dream or do I try to find something steady that will allow me the other things I really want too. Sean I have alot of admiration for you for making the choice you did. Deciding to have a family and a wife while sacrificing what you think is a calling. I just don't know which is the calling and which is the dream because right now they seem exclusive of one another.
So what got me thinking all this today... it was 10 after 5 and I watched 3 different wives call their husbands wondering where they were, because it was after 5 and they wern't home yet. The last time someone called wondering where I was or why I was running late was sometime last year when I was running late for dinner with friends I can't even remember. No one even really notices little things like that, but they do hit home everynow and again.