what's with TODAY, today?
"When I saw you again in the summertime
If your love was as sweet as mine
I could be Sunday's girl"
Horray! I managed to get my bitch ass out of bed. This was a major struggle this morning for me. I made myself some hot chocolate and after enjoying my hot chocolate took a long hot shower. Got myself dressed and made some more hot chocolate and procrastinated getting this started. So, Horray! I also got my bitch ass to start typing this!
I have been feeling fairly lousy over the weekend due to having a gum abscess. The worst is over and done with thankfully. Of course, I did not go see a dentist because I figured I would be able to get an antibiotic and treated it myself first and if that failed I would go see a doctor. This has been working out fairly well for me. Pain-free and the swelling have greatly reduced since this all started last Saturday after eating that old salad for dinner and it got stuck in my broken tooth. I don't think I am going to be able to eat a salad again for a long time. While at the store yesterday I briefly thought a salad would be a great quick dinner for me and remembered that is how my tooth got all infected and said fuck that shit. No salad for me.
The holiday season has me feeling extra depressed. So many painful memories that constantly hijack my thoughts and prevent me from being able to create a healthy, secure attachment with another human being. I am learning how to better understand these wounds and heal from them to the best of my abilities this is just something that requires a lot of energy and not a journey meant to be traveled alone.
I miss Mikael, so very much. The last I wrote of him on here was after our break-up and it was not anything overly positive as I was very upset with him for things that he did during his manic episodes / psychotic episodes. In 2008 he passes away from a"self-inflicted" gunshot to head. Finding this journal and reading back on my past entries about him is what made me realize that I never dealt with his death at all. That after he was gone is when I started to accept mistreatment as "love" because Mikael had once told me that no one was ever going to treat me any better than he did, I truly believed that I did not deserve to be treated well after he died because I should have stayed, he did not do those horrible things to be because he did not love me. He did them because he was not showed the right way to love and because he was so very scared of losing the one thing he had that truly loved him, it was easier to push me away and sadly let the fears take over. I just wish I could have been more understanding, but my empathy took over, his feelings and my feelings were all too overwhelming and I just had to get away. It has taken me many years to get to this point where I am able to understand and accept how much this has impacted me. So, I am hoping that I will continue to work on the things that I need to work on to recover from this and let go of the guilt that I have been holding on to for so many years. Reconnecting with his brother is something that I feel is going to help a lot with the healing of this particular wound and it is also helping him along with his journey toward healing.
I think that I should end this, for now, I am starting to get cold and feel it is just time to move on from typing in this lil old LiveJournal for now. TTFN!
If your love was as sweet as mine
I could be Sunday's girl"
Horray! I managed to get my bitch ass out of bed. This was a major struggle this morning for me. I made myself some hot chocolate and after enjoying my hot chocolate took a long hot shower. Got myself dressed and made some more hot chocolate and procrastinated getting this started. So, Horray! I also got my bitch ass to start typing this!
I have been feeling fairly lousy over the weekend due to having a gum abscess. The worst is over and done with thankfully. Of course, I did not go see a dentist because I figured I would be able to get an antibiotic and treated it myself first and if that failed I would go see a doctor. This has been working out fairly well for me. Pain-free and the swelling have greatly reduced since this all started last Saturday after eating that old salad for dinner and it got stuck in my broken tooth. I don't think I am going to be able to eat a salad again for a long time. While at the store yesterday I briefly thought a salad would be a great quick dinner for me and remembered that is how my tooth got all infected and said fuck that shit. No salad for me.
The holiday season has me feeling extra depressed. So many painful memories that constantly hijack my thoughts and prevent me from being able to create a healthy, secure attachment with another human being. I am learning how to better understand these wounds and heal from them to the best of my abilities this is just something that requires a lot of energy and not a journey meant to be traveled alone.
I miss Mikael, so very much. The last I wrote of him on here was after our break-up and it was not anything overly positive as I was very upset with him for things that he did during his manic episodes / psychotic episodes. In 2008 he passes away from a"self-inflicted" gunshot to head. Finding this journal and reading back on my past entries about him is what made me realize that I never dealt with his death at all. That after he was gone is when I started to accept mistreatment as "love" because Mikael had once told me that no one was ever going to treat me any better than he did, I truly believed that I did not deserve to be treated well after he died because I should have stayed, he did not do those horrible things to be because he did not love me. He did them because he was not showed the right way to love and because he was so very scared of losing the one thing he had that truly loved him, it was easier to push me away and sadly let the fears take over. I just wish I could have been more understanding, but my empathy took over, his feelings and my feelings were all too overwhelming and I just had to get away. It has taken me many years to get to this point where I am able to understand and accept how much this has impacted me. So, I am hoping that I will continue to work on the things that I need to work on to recover from this and let go of the guilt that I have been holding on to for so many years. Reconnecting with his brother is something that I feel is going to help a lot with the healing of this particular wound and it is also helping him along with his journey toward healing.
I think that I should end this, for now, I am starting to get cold and feel it is just time to move on from typing in this lil old LiveJournal for now. TTFN!