Weddings, Moving, and Thoughts
So it's been about half of forever since I've written on here. And a quick glance at my friend's page says that LJ is slowly (or not-so-slowly) being abandoned for Facebook or real life. It's even more the latter for me, honestly, because my Facebook has been pretty well abandoned also. Nevertheless, I will recap all that is going on, whether for consumption or posterity, or both. Lots has happened, and lots of thinking as well. On March 16, Nic proposed to me. It wasn't a total surprise, but that doesn't make it any less perfect. Our plan is rather elaborate. We decided that our honeymoon is going to be in London 2012 for the Summer Olympics there. This gives us plenty of time to plan, and we've hopped right on that. I already have my dress (it's everything I've known I've wanted in a wedding dress...just perfect). We are going to have a larger, non-religioius ceremony in the mountains, and then a much more intimate, casual, Jewish wedding on the beach. The mountains are mine, you see, and the beach is Nic's. That is to say, they are respectively our happy/calming places. We've scouted some locations for each. My friends in my bridal party are incredible and went out and bought the dress I really wanted for them in the color I really wanted for them because each was on its way out (and I think at this point, nothing can even be ordered in that color). My mom and dad are fantastic because they've given us a more than workable budget for the mountain ceremony. We just have to pay for the honeymoon, for which we will be asking for money as wedding gifts. I am so blessed and excited, words can't even say. One of my ponderings of late is the wedding, but in more philosophical terms than just details. Anyone who knows me knows I am not at all religious. While I believe in some form of a "higher being," I don't really care whether that higher being blesses my marriage. Also, not having much faith or confidence in my country's idea of marriage, I don't care that much whether the state sanctions my marriage. These are what most people consider the main components of marriage. So I asked myself - why do I want to get married, what is it I do care about? And I realized - it's the people I care about. I care that the people in my life whom I love and care about bless my marriage. More than anything, I care about making a commitment to the person I love - Nic. The problem is, I had no idea where to find even a base for a ceremony based on people rather than religion or the state. Well, I've been a little obsessive with watching wedding shows lately. I like getting ideas and dreaming and all that. I watched this show that had a Buddhist couple getting married. It made me think...I have no idea what a Buddhist wedding looks like. As I understand it, though, Buddhism has little to nothing to do with a deity, and certainly nothing to do with the state. So I looked up the vows, and it is PERFECT. Check it out. I am very pleased. I love that the vows are joint, saying "We do," rather than separate saying "I do." I also really really love the vows that are made. Mommy says there is a part of the Episcopal service that has the congregation make a vow to the couple, which I may also want to include. But yes, now I am very pleased.
Nic became extremely disenchanted with law school, and understandably so. It became increasingly apparent that it was not going to make him happy, and was in fact having negative health effects in the form of ulcers. So he took a medical leave with no intent to return. We moved back to Knoxville, much to our pleasure. I was ecstatic to remove myself from the hellish situation that was the Collections department at Citi. I am now working at Elavon, where mom works, doing something that is important but seems otherwise. But it is fun, and my coworkers are a joy, and my boss is one of the best I have ever had. He is smarter than I am in so many ways, and many of my colleagues are my intellectual equals, and this makes me want to go to work every day. It is also extremely nice to be living near my mom again. She is and has very often been one of my best friends, a true confidante, and a moral compass on whom I can rely when mine is has gone awry.
Lately, though, I have been encountering some depression. I think I have discovered that I am very often depressed in the summertime - my own version of Seasonal Affective Disorder, apparently. But I don't think that is all of it. I'll get down to it, through my actions, actions of others, and sheer inaction, I have lost many friends over the past couple of years. Let me be clear, I bear no grudge, hold little ill will, and have no regrets. It's more of a nostalgia-induced ennui. Also, as I am occasionally wont to do, I have become somewhat of a recluse. I haven't gotten the chance to see my friends here in Knoxville since I got back. I also have lost a lot of touch with some of my best and closest friends, which makes me sad. I need to make more of an effort.
I also need to make more of an effort in other areas. I think a large part of my depression comes from what I'm doing - or not doing - with my life. While I am extremely happy with some of the places taking a break has led me (mainly, to Nic), I am thinking perhaps not going directly to grad school may not have been the best move. Make no mistake, I am happy with the people I have met and some of the experience I have had, but I can't help feeling like I have been spinning my wheels, or perhaps just idling in the driveway. I want to get out on the road, as it were. And I truly miss learning. No, let me rephrase that, I truly miss classes, researching, writing, and having intellectual discussions about anything. When I was younger, many of people - friends, teachers, acquaintances, paid me the compliment of saying they thought I was meant for great things. I have dreams. I want to study, research art. I want to make others as excited about art as I am, whether through teaching or curating. I want to be in it, doing it. I feel I have come so out of touch with it all. I also feel like I have fallen out of the habit of studying, knowing, learning, and being the intelligent person I have prided myself in being. I don't want to be mediocre. I don't want to be another face in the crowd. And I have a problem with patience. I know I have a plan for it, I do. But I want to be in it. I want to be doing it, not just sitting around waiting. Plus I'm having trouble with that laziness thing. It is something I have always battled. I need to study, buff up my brain for the GRE and for graduate school, especially if I want to get into Duke. If I can get up the impetus to study, maybe I'll actually feel like I'm doing something, working towards something bigger and better. I dunno... At the risk of sounding big-headed, I do believe I am meant for more. I just need to do something about it now.
Well, thanks for listening. Who knows how long it will be until my next post? Until then...
Much love, everyone.
Nic became extremely disenchanted with law school, and understandably so. It became increasingly apparent that it was not going to make him happy, and was in fact having negative health effects in the form of ulcers. So he took a medical leave with no intent to return. We moved back to Knoxville, much to our pleasure. I was ecstatic to remove myself from the hellish situation that was the Collections department at Citi. I am now working at Elavon, where mom works, doing something that is important but seems otherwise. But it is fun, and my coworkers are a joy, and my boss is one of the best I have ever had. He is smarter than I am in so many ways, and many of my colleagues are my intellectual equals, and this makes me want to go to work every day. It is also extremely nice to be living near my mom again. She is and has very often been one of my best friends, a true confidante, and a moral compass on whom I can rely when mine is has gone awry.
Lately, though, I have been encountering some depression. I think I have discovered that I am very often depressed in the summertime - my own version of Seasonal Affective Disorder, apparently. But I don't think that is all of it. I'll get down to it, through my actions, actions of others, and sheer inaction, I have lost many friends over the past couple of years. Let me be clear, I bear no grudge, hold little ill will, and have no regrets. It's more of a nostalgia-induced ennui. Also, as I am occasionally wont to do, I have become somewhat of a recluse. I haven't gotten the chance to see my friends here in Knoxville since I got back. I also have lost a lot of touch with some of my best and closest friends, which makes me sad. I need to make more of an effort.
I also need to make more of an effort in other areas. I think a large part of my depression comes from what I'm doing - or not doing - with my life. While I am extremely happy with some of the places taking a break has led me (mainly, to Nic), I am thinking perhaps not going directly to grad school may not have been the best move. Make no mistake, I am happy with the people I have met and some of the experience I have had, but I can't help feeling like I have been spinning my wheels, or perhaps just idling in the driveway. I want to get out on the road, as it were. And I truly miss learning. No, let me rephrase that, I truly miss classes, researching, writing, and having intellectual discussions about anything. When I was younger, many of people - friends, teachers, acquaintances, paid me the compliment of saying they thought I was meant for great things. I have dreams. I want to study, research art. I want to make others as excited about art as I am, whether through teaching or curating. I want to be in it, doing it. I feel I have come so out of touch with it all. I also feel like I have fallen out of the habit of studying, knowing, learning, and being the intelligent person I have prided myself in being. I don't want to be mediocre. I don't want to be another face in the crowd. And I have a problem with patience. I know I have a plan for it, I do. But I want to be in it. I want to be doing it, not just sitting around waiting. Plus I'm having trouble with that laziness thing. It is something I have always battled. I need to study, buff up my brain for the GRE and for graduate school, especially if I want to get into Duke. If I can get up the impetus to study, maybe I'll actually feel like I'm doing something, working towards something bigger and better. I dunno... At the risk of sounding big-headed, I do believe I am meant for more. I just need to do something about it now.
Well, thanks for listening. Who knows how long it will be until my next post? Until then...
Much love, everyone.