I've never dealt with a big relationship break-up, but I have dealt with a shit-ton of grief, and there's a lot of overlap, even given very different situations.
I've found that there are times when it's really important to just be sad. Cry until you can't anymore, listen to music that makes you sad, drink a lot of water - crying hang-overs suck. There are other times when some kind of distraction is a relief - a movie, hanging out with friends in a really low key way, getting lost in a really good book. Grief is emotionally exhausting and it's important to try and get a break sometimes, if you can.
Also, keep good friends around. Know that they care and that they love you, even if they don't always understand or know immediately what you need. Communicate - if you need a hug, if you need time alone, if you need a distraction, if you need to vent or just cry or anything. Know that you are loved, and that you are not alone.
Remember that however you feel is ok - even if you find yourself feeling ok for awhile sooner than you expect, that's ok too. Alternately, if you're incredibly upset for a really long time, that's alright as well. What's been most important for me is to let the emotions move through me, let them run their course. Find ways to maintain a sense of perspective - step way back, go somewhere new, get out from time to time. It's important to not lose yourself in this process.
When the world feels like it's falling apart, it's hard to know that you will make it through - after Charles died I didn't know if I would ever be happy again. I'd never gone through anything like that before and had no precedent. I miss him greatly, but I am happy again. It is possible, and if you let it happen, inevitable, that you will find your way back to happiness and a sense of peace, even if it seems like the thing that is most unattainable and unimaginable right now. Patience is hard, but important.
Goodness, this is long, but I suppose I could write a book about grief - and what you're going through is indeed a form of grief - I could go on and on. If any of this isn't helpful, just ignore it.
This helps more than you know, Claire, thank you. Everything you've said has made perfect sense. I have already taken them to heart. I really think you could write a book on how to handle grief. I know there are a bunch out there, but yours is incredibly sound advice put in a very understandable, easy-to-manage way. I so so appreciate your help, I really do. Another piece of advice that my aunt gives is that as long as you're growing, you're ok. It's only when you're stagnant that you've really got a problem. I may be oscillating through some of the most intense emotions I've ever had, but as long as I'm able to grow from/with it, I know I can be ok. The one benefit from this tragedy is that I've been able to really connect with people I haven't seen or spoken with in a very long time, you included. So while the circumstances suck, I am glad to have reconnected. I miss you lots. We should try to visit at some point.
I've never dealt with a big relationship break-up, but I have dealt with a shit-ton of grief, and there's a lot of overlap, even given very different situations.
I've found that there are times when it's really important to just be sad. Cry until you can't anymore, listen to music that makes you sad, drink a lot of water - crying hang-overs suck. There are other times when some kind of distraction is a relief - a movie, hanging out with friends in a really low key way, getting lost in a really good book. Grief is emotionally exhausting and it's important to try and get a break sometimes, if you can.
Also, keep good friends around. Know that they care and that they love you, even if they don't always understand or know immediately what you need. Communicate - if you need a hug, if you need time alone, if you need a distraction, if you need to vent or just cry or anything. Know that you are loved, and that you are not alone.
Remember that however you feel is ok - even if you find yourself feeling ok for awhile sooner than you expect, that's ok too. Alternately, if you're incredibly upset for a really long time, that's alright as well. What's been most important for me is to let the emotions move through me, let them run their course. Find ways to maintain a sense of perspective - step way back, go somewhere new, get out from time to time. It's important to not lose yourself in this process.
When the world feels like it's falling apart, it's hard to know that you will make it through - after Charles died I didn't know if I would ever be happy again. I'd never gone through anything like that before and had no precedent. I miss him greatly, but I am happy again. It is possible, and if you let it happen, inevitable, that you will find your way back to happiness and a sense of peace, even if it seems like the thing that is most unattainable and unimaginable right now. Patience is hard, but important.
Goodness, this is long, but I suppose I could write a book about grief - and what you're going through is indeed a form of grief - I could go on and on. If any of this isn't helpful, just ignore it.
I'm thinking of you, and I love you.
more love, always
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