the last time...
We slept together the day after Christmas. At first it was vague, a month, more.. I didn't know...but upon reflection, that's a memorable date- given that it was following the worst Christmas I've had, probably. But that's too much to dwell on at this point...............trying to let the past fade quickly since the present hasn't been much, these days. Hoping to spruce a little in my life and - start the spring cleaning early?
Funny that I wound up.. upon that metaphor. Funny, because I had to (owing to most recent entries' content) start where I did but intended to wind up ..upon a different matter altogether - altho a generalization applies. The metaphor itself had been unplanned, hence funny.
...as I said- I had something in mind.
I do believe [....could it be?..perhaps, this time, for real?] that I have moved on.
I have my eye upon someone else.
And that is it.
My eye.
Nothing else. ...Jesus, am I turning this into a poem?
That just kind of happened...the line thing..out of habit, I suppose.
I have- ahem- my mind's eye on someone else.....on him, as well.
A friend, a good friend, had been long-since trying to bring my mind's eye thus.
I had never met the man. .... Aah, finally- I met him as a man. He met me as a woman.
I'd met them all, so far, as boys.
My friend is his mother. He's my age.
I didn't know him; he was in Ohio. And she said we'd like one another.
She and I became friends, I doubted her musings.
I still do not know if she is correct on both accounts.
But I certainly only write about the ones I like. The father of my child was far too wild and brief to write about.
My new ...interest. His name is Chris. .....We are just friends, he and I; it's been most recently explicitly stated by his mother, in one of her
state-the-obvious-things-people-have-been-thinking-about-and-not-saying kind of ways.
We have never kissed nor hugged, just looked at one another a lot. How beautiful. I didn't even know it could be done, comfortably.
I'm not talking about naked! I'm talking about, in a room with other people and conversation. ... Just some looking at each other while other people are talking.
We've spent the night together, watching movies. On his mom's couch. He's been living with her some. I've been living with her some..practically, at this point...we spent all weekend there- Marcy and I both. It's an odd situation, I see. I wonder if he merely tolerates me and wishes I would go away? I know he wishes life were easier and all that yada yada we all do really- I know, though, that things are really hard for him right now. And in a way it reminds me of a past, but that isn't now- I've allowed nothing to happen here- he's been such an adult as well, and I wonder whether we've both evaluated and declined - whether I've been the only one evaluating and he'd be revolted by the thought of me- I seriously want to know what he's thinking. I know he usually goes for barbie type whores. I've shared a lot. His mom shares with me, but.... I hope he's not just another motherfucker taking advantage- of us both. I'm scared to talk to him. I've always been scared to talk to any guy....actually, though, the butterfly feeling is less there than it's always been, and the completely serious side of me feels more comfortable about all of this, with him. I hope he's not holding off because of my friendship with his mother. I love her to death, but I'm lonely. I need a man. He's a man. No doubt in my mind. He would be good for me, even though ........ well fuck- it is possible that neither one of us would be good for anyone right now, given our current positions in our lives. [i would go for the type, i know, i know....i am the type, you know?] but fuck that. life ain't about money. life...maybe. love ain't about money. life should be about love. i have been patiently awaiting our first kiss. there have been opportunities........i'm pretty sure we both just think- and worry, mostly- too much. i've been imagining, day and night-in my dreams sex with this man. there were a few times i thought about jumping on him and riding him without warning. but it would've led to awkward and no clue about damage control measures. there are further intricacies in delicate social network, which should anything come of this, i'll doubtlessly get into later... but for now, i didn't fuck him- when the intial urges struck for us both, i think. we've cooled our jets for weeks.
i'm tired of cooling. this engine's ready to purr. lol. ............i'm pretty sure he's serious relationship material, though. there's good and bad, but i'm pretty into the idea...even when i'm being realistic. it's just a lot of worries ahead of time about fucking up and ruining shit. so that makes it rough. i'm not looking for just sex. i'm not, now. i don't know that he's seeking anything further with a female at the current time. oh well....i haven't decided whether i'm going to throw him an obvious "opt-in" inquiry or just next this whole situation. other fish in the sea, right? ....i think i'll give him the option. no can't hurt..i don't think it would change much. ...he probably doesn't want to be "dad", though..and may think that's what i'm getting at. shitfuck i don't know how to date-with-kid. whatever....i have to go. i hope this brain-glue thing is mutual.
Funny that I wound up.. upon that metaphor. Funny, because I had to (owing to most recent entries' content) start where I did but intended to wind up ..upon a different matter altogether - altho a generalization applies. The metaphor itself had been unplanned, hence funny.
...as I said- I had something in mind.
I do believe [....could it be?..perhaps, this time, for real?] that I have moved on.
I have my eye upon someone else.
And that is it.
My eye.
Nothing else. ...Jesus, am I turning this into a poem?
That just kind of happened...the line thing..out of habit, I suppose.
I have- ahem- my mind's eye on someone else.....on him, as well.
A friend, a good friend, had been long-since trying to bring my mind's eye thus.
I had never met the man. .... Aah, finally- I met him as a man. He met me as a woman.
I'd met them all, so far, as boys.
My friend is his mother. He's my age.
I didn't know him; he was in Ohio. And she said we'd like one another.
She and I became friends, I doubted her musings.
I still do not know if she is correct on both accounts.
But I certainly only write about the ones I like. The father of my child was far too wild and brief to write about.
My new ...interest. His name is Chris. .....We are just friends, he and I; it's been most recently explicitly stated by his mother, in one of her
state-the-obvious-things-people-have-been-thinking-about-and-not-saying kind of ways.
We have never kissed nor hugged, just looked at one another a lot. How beautiful. I didn't even know it could be done, comfortably.
I'm not talking about naked! I'm talking about, in a room with other people and conversation. ... Just some looking at each other while other people are talking.
We've spent the night together, watching movies. On his mom's couch. He's been living with her some. I've been living with her some..practically, at this point...we spent all weekend there- Marcy and I both. It's an odd situation, I see. I wonder if he merely tolerates me and wishes I would go away? I know he wishes life were easier and all that yada yada we all do really- I know, though, that things are really hard for him right now. And in a way it reminds me of a past, but that isn't now- I've allowed nothing to happen here- he's been such an adult as well, and I wonder whether we've both evaluated and declined - whether I've been the only one evaluating and he'd be revolted by the thought of me- I seriously want to know what he's thinking. I know he usually goes for barbie type whores. I've shared a lot. His mom shares with me, but.... I hope he's not just another motherfucker taking advantage- of us both. I'm scared to talk to him. I've always been scared to talk to any guy....actually, though, the butterfly feeling is less there than it's always been, and the completely serious side of me feels more comfortable about all of this, with him. I hope he's not holding off because of my friendship with his mother. I love her to death, but I'm lonely. I need a man. He's a man. No doubt in my mind. He would be good for me, even though ........ well fuck- it is possible that neither one of us would be good for anyone right now, given our current positions in our lives. [i would go for the type, i know, i know....i am the type, you know?] but fuck that. life ain't about money. life...maybe. love ain't about money. life should be about love. i have been patiently awaiting our first kiss. there have been opportunities........i'm pretty sure we both just think- and worry, mostly- too much. i've been imagining, day and night-in my dreams sex with this man. there were a few times i thought about jumping on him and riding him without warning. but it would've led to awkward and no clue about damage control measures. there are further intricacies in delicate social network, which should anything come of this, i'll doubtlessly get into later... but for now, i didn't fuck him- when the intial urges struck for us both, i think. we've cooled our jets for weeks.
i'm tired of cooling. this engine's ready to purr. lol. ............i'm pretty sure he's serious relationship material, though. there's good and bad, but i'm pretty into the idea...even when i'm being realistic. it's just a lot of worries ahead of time about fucking up and ruining shit. so that makes it rough. i'm not looking for just sex. i'm not, now. i don't know that he's seeking anything further with a female at the current time. oh well....i haven't decided whether i'm going to throw him an obvious "opt-in" inquiry or just next this whole situation. other fish in the sea, right? ....i think i'll give him the option. no can't hurt..i don't think it would change much. ...he probably doesn't want to be "dad", though..and may think that's what i'm getting at. shitfuck i don't know how to date-with-kid. whatever....i have to go. i hope this brain-glue thing is mutual.