(no subject)
i suppose it's time for a real post.
christmas eve- 2004.
am i stupid? yes.
do i think about things before i do them? no.
do i get myself into situations i cannot handle? yes.
do i like living with my parents? no.
am i trying everything i can to get away as soon as possible? yes.
one problem i do see with my life is the inability to please myself with my actions alone. i constantly feel like i can't do things right for myself. it's getting better though, it really is. i catch myself being proud of the things i've done, and some decisions i've made for myself. is dropping out the best choice to make? right now i feel like it is. maybe it's just short term, but right now i really feel like it isn't. i feel like one reason i feel like im doing a bit better at the game of life is that im figuring out it isn't all about me. the decisions i'm making right now are going to effect other people throughout my life. not thinking things through are going to hurt other people besides myself, such as the person i'm in love with. love is something else that has changed me this year. before i met this person i remember not really caring about myself, and actions i chose to take. now i've come to find that i have to be responsible for these actions, and think about how in the future, i might wish that i would have wished i did something different. now, with the help of this certain someone, i've begun to care about myself. i have to love myself before anyone can love me, fully. i'm still struggling with that. i hate the things i've done, but i can't hate myself. i have to pick up and go on. you only get one life, and it's a short one.
the summer of 2004 is one i know i'll remember forever. without it, i wouldn't be becoming the person i want to be. i'm thankful endlessly to that person for that, they know who they are.
the real question i think i'm getting at is "am i happy? would i change right now if i could?"
the answer is- yes. i'm completely happy, no i wouldn't change it. and most of the happiness is because of a certain thing someone has given me. love.
christmas eve- 2004.
am i stupid? yes.
do i think about things before i do them? no.
do i get myself into situations i cannot handle? yes.
do i like living with my parents? no.
am i trying everything i can to get away as soon as possible? yes.
one problem i do see with my life is the inability to please myself with my actions alone. i constantly feel like i can't do things right for myself. it's getting better though, it really is. i catch myself being proud of the things i've done, and some decisions i've made for myself. is dropping out the best choice to make? right now i feel like it is. maybe it's just short term, but right now i really feel like it isn't. i feel like one reason i feel like im doing a bit better at the game of life is that im figuring out it isn't all about me. the decisions i'm making right now are going to effect other people throughout my life. not thinking things through are going to hurt other people besides myself, such as the person i'm in love with. love is something else that has changed me this year. before i met this person i remember not really caring about myself, and actions i chose to take. now i've come to find that i have to be responsible for these actions, and think about how in the future, i might wish that i would have wished i did something different. now, with the help of this certain someone, i've begun to care about myself. i have to love myself before anyone can love me, fully. i'm still struggling with that. i hate the things i've done, but i can't hate myself. i have to pick up and go on. you only get one life, and it's a short one.
the summer of 2004 is one i know i'll remember forever. without it, i wouldn't be becoming the person i want to be. i'm thankful endlessly to that person for that, they know who they are.
the real question i think i'm getting at is "am i happy? would i change right now if i could?"
the answer is- yes. i'm completely happy, no i wouldn't change it. and most of the happiness is because of a certain thing someone has given me. love.