still confused and down
yeah, still confused, very down.
well I went to that agribusiness conference in Richmond. It was neat, but I hated the driving part. Sure enough, I got lost getting down there. I was actually right outside of Richmond and route 195 split off; I was supposed to go left, but didn't know that route 76 (where I needed to be) was called Powhite Parkway. I didn't see a sign for "route 76" so I took the wrong fork. I crossed the tolls on 195 three times before I got on the right track. Not fun.
The hotel was alright; I'm sure it was very nice and all but it wasn't home, it wasn't my bed, I was all alone, and I didn't know anybody at the conference or in town. I'm not a social butterfly, I don't thrive on idle chit-chat, instead I suffer through it. Don't get me wrong, I like people, and I like being around people, but I was heartily tired of being the youngest and most inexperienced person at the conference by the middle of the first day.
I didn't get lost going home, but hit the D.C. traffic instead. Matt called me around 4pm to ask if I could pick up a package that had been delivered to our leasing office. I said probably, it was only 4pm and I had 60 miles to go, I could have made it there by the time they normally close. Except that I had to call him 45 minutes and 10 miles later to say that I probably wouldn't make it there in time.
I also found out today, my first day back at work after all that awful socializing and drive time, that I am a horrible trainer. Yep, that's right, I can't seem to teach the way this girl Patrice needs me to. Of course it doesn't help that I'm the second trainer and that I assumed she knew certain things because Danita was teaching her things for over a month. And Patrice never asked any questions about those things, the results of her work seemed okay, so... yeah.
I feel pretty worthless everywhere now. I'm no good in love since my boyfriend-now-roommate lost interest. I'm no good at home since I haven't cooked or cleaned or even bought food for about two weeks. And now I'm no good at work either. I'm not going to kid myself by thinking any of my hobbies are works of art either. I'm a mediocre half-trained pianist and self-taught at knitting and crochet. There is no place in which I excel.
And I still need touch. Physical contact. Last week during the engine show that Matt's family is in the thick of, I got a backrub/massage, hugs, and cuddle-time. That felt sooooo good, you have no idea. He hasn't done anything like that... well, I don't remember the last time he's done anything like that without my asking him to. I don't know what we are anymore. Or even if there is any hope of a we.
How can I be so totally caught up in someone who thinks of me as an afterthought now?
well I went to that agribusiness conference in Richmond. It was neat, but I hated the driving part. Sure enough, I got lost getting down there. I was actually right outside of Richmond and route 195 split off; I was supposed to go left, but didn't know that route 76 (where I needed to be) was called Powhite Parkway. I didn't see a sign for "route 76" so I took the wrong fork. I crossed the tolls on 195 three times before I got on the right track. Not fun.
The hotel was alright; I'm sure it was very nice and all but it wasn't home, it wasn't my bed, I was all alone, and I didn't know anybody at the conference or in town. I'm not a social butterfly, I don't thrive on idle chit-chat, instead I suffer through it. Don't get me wrong, I like people, and I like being around people, but I was heartily tired of being the youngest and most inexperienced person at the conference by the middle of the first day.
I didn't get lost going home, but hit the D.C. traffic instead. Matt called me around 4pm to ask if I could pick up a package that had been delivered to our leasing office. I said probably, it was only 4pm and I had 60 miles to go, I could have made it there by the time they normally close. Except that I had to call him 45 minutes and 10 miles later to say that I probably wouldn't make it there in time.
I also found out today, my first day back at work after all that awful socializing and drive time, that I am a horrible trainer. Yep, that's right, I can't seem to teach the way this girl Patrice needs me to. Of course it doesn't help that I'm the second trainer and that I assumed she knew certain things because Danita was teaching her things for over a month. And Patrice never asked any questions about those things, the results of her work seemed okay, so... yeah.
I feel pretty worthless everywhere now. I'm no good in love since my boyfriend-now-roommate lost interest. I'm no good at home since I haven't cooked or cleaned or even bought food for about two weeks. And now I'm no good at work either. I'm not going to kid myself by thinking any of my hobbies are works of art either. I'm a mediocre half-trained pianist and self-taught at knitting and crochet. There is no place in which I excel.
And I still need touch. Physical contact. Last week during the engine show that Matt's family is in the thick of, I got a backrub/massage, hugs, and cuddle-time. That felt sooooo good, you have no idea. He hasn't done anything like that... well, I don't remember the last time he's done anything like that without my asking him to. I don't know what we are anymore. Or even if there is any hope of a we.
How can I be so totally caught up in someone who thinks of me as an afterthought now?