today.
you will forget today sooner than you think. days like today are memories that are built like repetitive motion injuries. the way everything is suffocated by a nearly imperceptible blue gray that climbs up the walls and hangs heavy in the air. what it feels like to spend all day staring off into space in the direction of a sinking vessel, the pile of loose skin that used to be someone you loved. how the high-pitched pings echo around the room and spill out into the hall, and how they have the mysterious capability to slow your own breath down to a steady sleepy lull. the quiet walk through empty halls to get coffee that nobody wants. the way you always get lost coming and going, but the melancholy overtones that have taken over your system prevent you from looking disoriented. the waiting game that you're too guilty to wish for and end to.
these aren't lasting memories that will shape who you are in the future. small details may occasionally find their way back into your consciousness, but the initial impact has vanished. this is not something you learn in one day. sitting in that hospital room is not going to change your life forever, no matter what happens at the end of the day. this is the experience that wears you down over time. as you notice that today, on the worst day of your life, you are with a hundred other anonymous faces who are all having the worst day of their lives. when you realize that you're another anonymous face, just like the person who will never know that you spent all day watching her die. when you still get lost on the way to get coffee because, even if they don't look the same, they all feel the same. because this time, you don't yet know that you were lost when you walked in the door.
these aren't lasting memories that will shape who you are in the future. small details may occasionally find their way back into your consciousness, but the initial impact has vanished. this is not something you learn in one day. sitting in that hospital room is not going to change your life forever, no matter what happens at the end of the day. this is the experience that wears you down over time. as you notice that today, on the worst day of your life, you are with a hundred other anonymous faces who are all having the worst day of their lives. when you realize that you're another anonymous face, just like the person who will never know that you spent all day watching her die. when you still get lost on the way to get coffee because, even if they don't look the same, they all feel the same. because this time, you don't yet know that you were lost when you walked in the door.