I don't know what it takes
Blah. This week has been crazy. Grading 65 worksheets that are all over 5 pages long has killed me. Not to mention some people turned in the exact same worksheet and I want to kill them for thinking I'm that dumb. Cracking skulls tomorrow.
I need a drink.
Tomorrow morning is busy. I have an exam in my Greek drama class and part of the exam is an essay question which I've been spending probably way too long trying to prepare for today, among all the other crap I had to do. I just don't want to go in there and have to think about what I want to write because 50 minutes is a short amount of time. I just want to have already written it and vomit it back out. Anyway, after that I have to run over and teach the music history class, which I enjoy, but I just feel rushed this week and stressed out. I've put so much time into grading those damn worksheets that I was really irritated that I had to spend my entire evening last night planning my organum lesson. Yes, I'm being negative. Bah!
I'm also just sort of in a funk or something. It's funny how you go a really long time (a year) without having any sort of romantic involvement, and then you experience a brief moment of somebody potentially showing interest, and you completely go off the deep end. This is what happened to me the last couple weeks. Apparently, like 2 weekends ago, one of the composers who I am not very familiar with asked about me and why I don't go out that often with the other musicology girls to social events with the composers. My friend Thomas told me about this and also sort of mentioned that this particular dude was single, but not really looking for anything. So of course, my interest was aroused. Anyway, then I went to the composer's 24-hour show, where this guy (Adam) had written a piece and one of my friends was playing it so I went to support her (and sort of check him out).
So, actually before the show I was sitting outside the building grading and he came over and sat/starting talking to me. I'm not going to lie, it was sort of awkward...I mean we'd never said more than like "hi" to each other before. I also don't even know if I'm really attracted to him. I mean, he's not bad looking or anything, I'm just not sure he's my type. But, nonetheless, I continue to be excited about the possibilities.
Anyway, then he friended me on facebook, and that's been about it. He doesn't like write on my wall or respond to my status updates or anything.
This is so fucking hard. The problem is that I know I'm being silly. I'm so fucking bored with my life and everything right now that I want SOMETHING to happen. I want some horrible, one-night-stand situation. I want to lead a boy on until he's like calling me all the time and texting me and I can do whatever the fuck I want with him but not have to be serious. I want to trample all over someone. I really just want attention. I want someone to make me feel like I am worth being with, even if I don't want to be with them. Because the bottom line is, whatever happens, I will probably run away from it. I want something to run away from.
The problem is that even when it's excitement about possibilities, it's so destroyed by my skepticism of romantic love. Yeah, I say I love the idea of love and I want to find it, but I don't really believe it's out there anymore. I don't buy it. I think it's like everything else I've experienced as far as that goes...it'll be all exciting a fun until I realize how the person really is and stop seeing them as what I imagined them to be. My preconceived ideas completely destroy it for me every time. And if that doesn't do it, my own issues with myself will and I will push them away. I've already pushed a lot of friends away, or I feel like I have.
It all boils down to me not being OK with myself, and it often seems like that is progressively becoming an issue. I don't even think I'm capable of loving someone else right now. Will I ever stop being crazy when it comes to relationships?
Well. I need to go out this weekend and get trashed and hang out with people. And write a philosophy paper.
Sorry about this. It's depressing.
I need a drink.
Tomorrow morning is busy. I have an exam in my Greek drama class and part of the exam is an essay question which I've been spending probably way too long trying to prepare for today, among all the other crap I had to do. I just don't want to go in there and have to think about what I want to write because 50 minutes is a short amount of time. I just want to have already written it and vomit it back out. Anyway, after that I have to run over and teach the music history class, which I enjoy, but I just feel rushed this week and stressed out. I've put so much time into grading those damn worksheets that I was really irritated that I had to spend my entire evening last night planning my organum lesson. Yes, I'm being negative. Bah!
I'm also just sort of in a funk or something. It's funny how you go a really long time (a year) without having any sort of romantic involvement, and then you experience a brief moment of somebody potentially showing interest, and you completely go off the deep end. This is what happened to me the last couple weeks. Apparently, like 2 weekends ago, one of the composers who I am not very familiar with asked about me and why I don't go out that often with the other musicology girls to social events with the composers. My friend Thomas told me about this and also sort of mentioned that this particular dude was single, but not really looking for anything. So of course, my interest was aroused. Anyway, then I went to the composer's 24-hour show, where this guy (Adam) had written a piece and one of my friends was playing it so I went to support her (and sort of check him out).
So, actually before the show I was sitting outside the building grading and he came over and sat/starting talking to me. I'm not going to lie, it was sort of awkward...I mean we'd never said more than like "hi" to each other before. I also don't even know if I'm really attracted to him. I mean, he's not bad looking or anything, I'm just not sure he's my type. But, nonetheless, I continue to be excited about the possibilities.
Anyway, then he friended me on facebook, and that's been about it. He doesn't like write on my wall or respond to my status updates or anything.
This is so fucking hard. The problem is that I know I'm being silly. I'm so fucking bored with my life and everything right now that I want SOMETHING to happen. I want some horrible, one-night-stand situation. I want to lead a boy on until he's like calling me all the time and texting me and I can do whatever the fuck I want with him but not have to be serious. I want to trample all over someone. I really just want attention. I want someone to make me feel like I am worth being with, even if I don't want to be with them. Because the bottom line is, whatever happens, I will probably run away from it. I want something to run away from.
The problem is that even when it's excitement about possibilities, it's so destroyed by my skepticism of romantic love. Yeah, I say I love the idea of love and I want to find it, but I don't really believe it's out there anymore. I don't buy it. I think it's like everything else I've experienced as far as that goes...it'll be all exciting a fun until I realize how the person really is and stop seeing them as what I imagined them to be. My preconceived ideas completely destroy it for me every time. And if that doesn't do it, my own issues with myself will and I will push them away. I've already pushed a lot of friends away, or I feel like I have.
It all boils down to me not being OK with myself, and it often seems like that is progressively becoming an issue. I don't even think I'm capable of loving someone else right now. Will I ever stop being crazy when it comes to relationships?
Well. I need to go out this weekend and get trashed and hang out with people. And write a philosophy paper.
Sorry about this. It's depressing.