Therapy and Panic
So I have once again had to search out a therapist. Why did this occur you might wonder? Well I might wonder that too. I mean do I really have that much stress in my life? It doesn't seem that way most of the time, but then maybe I just don't see it because of my desire to be happy and ignorant of the building torrent in the background of my my brain.
It all started out because of driving. What was that? Yes driving. Over the past few months I have started having issues driving at night or long distances. What I initially dismissed as numbing in my hands caused by developing carpal tunnel has graduated into something much worse. While carpal tunnel indeed might be part of the whole mix and mash of stuff. Night driving on the highway has become quickly terrifying. While I am fine driving around on el camino where you're never going more then 40 higher speeds then that quickly set in small anxiety attacks....and sadly for perhaps the second time in my entire life a full blown panic attack.
Last Saturday my lil bro asked if I could drive him to Mountain View because he needed to pick up something work related for his store and since he neither drives nor has his own vehicle and I've taken him plenty of times before I said yes knowing it would be dark since he didn't get off work till 8. Well we had been going on the highway only 10 minutes maybe when it hit swiftly and with avengeance. First the numbness in my hands started creeping in, then a tightening in my chest, which coincided with an inability to tell how much pressure I was putting on the gas pedal and then all the lights of the cars started blending together almost to the point of making me feel like I was going blind. This was topped off by the tightening in my chest suddenly becoming I can't get enough air. Oh my god I can't breath. At which point I started to shake so uncontrollably even my head was shaking. At that point all I could think was I have to get off the road NOW. I couldn't pull over and let Niko drive because the thought of stopping on the highway with all the cars passing buy with that whooshing feeling was just as frightening. Luckily we were near an exit and so I took it. Even though I wanted to do nothing more then pull over and sob once off the highway, I continued to drive to el camino and by the time we reached it the outward shaking had at least ceased and I could breath again.
I don't know why it has gotten so severe. At night I continuously expect to hit a deer or some small animal....which is really funny since it isn't like deer out here are white tails like back in MO. Either way I have no idea what has triggered this or why it is happening now, but since then have felt like I am still shaking on the inside. I can't focus, I'm exhausted and to sleep I have been having to take something like Tylenol PM which makes me feel so drowsy in the mornings. After talking to my mom and we both deciding it is more psychologically based then anything else I decided I have to talk to someone. I wish things like this were one of those slap a bandaid on it and it's done sorts of things, but I know it takes time and processing and alternate perspectives. I found a lady to go see and after talking on the phone for a bit her words verbatum were "Well we really have our work cut out for us." She seems to think there are various sources of stress in my life and I have several issues going on and that the driving thing might just be where they ended up overflowing. We will see what happens I just really don't want and can't have that happening.
It all started out because of driving. What was that? Yes driving. Over the past few months I have started having issues driving at night or long distances. What I initially dismissed as numbing in my hands caused by developing carpal tunnel has graduated into something much worse. While carpal tunnel indeed might be part of the whole mix and mash of stuff. Night driving on the highway has become quickly terrifying. While I am fine driving around on el camino where you're never going more then 40 higher speeds then that quickly set in small anxiety attacks....and sadly for perhaps the second time in my entire life a full blown panic attack.
Last Saturday my lil bro asked if I could drive him to Mountain View because he needed to pick up something work related for his store and since he neither drives nor has his own vehicle and I've taken him plenty of times before I said yes knowing it would be dark since he didn't get off work till 8. Well we had been going on the highway only 10 minutes maybe when it hit swiftly and with avengeance. First the numbness in my hands started creeping in, then a tightening in my chest, which coincided with an inability to tell how much pressure I was putting on the gas pedal and then all the lights of the cars started blending together almost to the point of making me feel like I was going blind. This was topped off by the tightening in my chest suddenly becoming I can't get enough air. Oh my god I can't breath. At which point I started to shake so uncontrollably even my head was shaking. At that point all I could think was I have to get off the road NOW. I couldn't pull over and let Niko drive because the thought of stopping on the highway with all the cars passing buy with that whooshing feeling was just as frightening. Luckily we were near an exit and so I took it. Even though I wanted to do nothing more then pull over and sob once off the highway, I continued to drive to el camino and by the time we reached it the outward shaking had at least ceased and I could breath again.
I don't know why it has gotten so severe. At night I continuously expect to hit a deer or some small animal....which is really funny since it isn't like deer out here are white tails like back in MO. Either way I have no idea what has triggered this or why it is happening now, but since then have felt like I am still shaking on the inside. I can't focus, I'm exhausted and to sleep I have been having to take something like Tylenol PM which makes me feel so drowsy in the mornings. After talking to my mom and we both deciding it is more psychologically based then anything else I decided I have to talk to someone. I wish things like this were one of those slap a bandaid on it and it's done sorts of things, but I know it takes time and processing and alternate perspectives. I found a lady to go see and after talking on the phone for a bit her words verbatum were "Well we really have our work cut out for us." She seems to think there are various sources of stress in my life and I have several issues going on and that the driving thing might just be where they ended up overflowing. We will see what happens I just really don't want and can't have that happening.