The Constant Lull
There is some part of me that sits content in the everyday schedule of things away from any drama with the only stresses coming from the economy or bills. Both of which are always there on a back burner in my brain, but hold no real threats most of the time. I want something more, but my mind always feels a bit muddled and dull as though everything is just slightly out of focus. Not enough to hamper my creative process totally, but enough to make it unable to excel. I am plagued with this sense of mediocrity. I ask myself what am I really good at or have a talent for and I find nothing in particular that stands out above the rest.
There is something depressing in the thought I may never be more then average in any area of my life. That I might be doomed to have nothing that I can look at at say...there that's it that is my passion that is where I shine!!...is rather like a regret that has not yet come to pass, but tetters on the edge of being. Perhaps, it is just a little fear fueled by my penchant for starting and never finishing. I mean sure I can start an art project and finish it, but when it comes to really keeping up something for weeks at a time I find I lose interest and rotate to a new passion. It's like having too many clothes and not being able to find a way to mix and match so that you get enough to sustain the facets of yourself. I guess it is all just part of the age old tale of looking for fulfillment and perhaps I am not the only one who feels this way. I've enough wisdom to know that the only place I will find it is within myself so at least in that I'm ahead of the game.
Usually I would be able to discuss these things with my mom. However, my mom has over the last couple of months delved into this umm spiritual thing about drawing positive energies into your life blah blah blah she sounds like a brainwashed cult member, but I understand the ideas. It just means I don't get to have conversations with her that have much reality base involved because she is off in light and fluffy mode. I understand it probably is keeping her sane through the bankruptcy, but she has a tendancy to go a bit overboard in new age philosophies. She even bought me a book on my Nook written by the people that run this organization that is done in a children's novel sort of way. She wants me to read it and I will, but I find her overly lalalala the world is bright and pretty and if that is what you believe then it is so..attitude somewhat trying on my nerves.
There is something depressing in the thought I may never be more then average in any area of my life. That I might be doomed to have nothing that I can look at at say...there that's it that is my passion that is where I shine!!...is rather like a regret that has not yet come to pass, but tetters on the edge of being. Perhaps, it is just a little fear fueled by my penchant for starting and never finishing. I mean sure I can start an art project and finish it, but when it comes to really keeping up something for weeks at a time I find I lose interest and rotate to a new passion. It's like having too many clothes and not being able to find a way to mix and match so that you get enough to sustain the facets of yourself. I guess it is all just part of the age old tale of looking for fulfillment and perhaps I am not the only one who feels this way. I've enough wisdom to know that the only place I will find it is within myself so at least in that I'm ahead of the game.
Usually I would be able to discuss these things with my mom. However, my mom has over the last couple of months delved into this umm spiritual thing about drawing positive energies into your life blah blah blah she sounds like a brainwashed cult member, but I understand the ideas. It just means I don't get to have conversations with her that have much reality base involved because she is off in light and fluffy mode. I understand it probably is keeping her sane through the bankruptcy, but she has a tendancy to go a bit overboard in new age philosophies. She even bought me a book on my Nook written by the people that run this organization that is done in a children's novel sort of way. She wants me to read it and I will, but I find her overly lalalala the world is bright and pretty and if that is what you believe then it is so..attitude somewhat trying on my nerves.