Coming Out, take 2 (unfiltered, public post)
Clarification of terms:
hir (pronounced here): instead of him or her/his or her
sie (pronounced zee): instead of he or she
sex: the male or female designation someone is assigned at birth; biological
gender: a social construct of being male or female, more fluid, and not dichotomous, that is, not strictly male or female, but can fall in between.
transgender: a person whose identified gender does not match their sex. Any transition to their identified sex is social only (clothing and hair styles, voice modulation, not with medical intervention)
transsexual: a transgender person who will transition medically--via hormone therapy and/or surgery
We had a guest lecturer in my Human Sexuality class this summer, when we were covering gender identity. Sie is a transgender. Sie talked about not getting the whole 'being a girl thing.'
And that resonates so strongly with me. I don't GET being a girl. I don't CARE about being a girl. By biologic distinction, that is what I am. I have breasts that I've alternated between ignoring and hating (and not just because of the health issues that my family has with them). I take a birth control pill, not because I don't want to get pregnant (had my tubes tied), but because I don't want to menstruate (I'm on one of the ones you take where you get it 4 times a year, and looking into if I can get the one where you NEVER get it covered by insurance).
I've felt for a very long time that I didn't especially feel like a girl. I don't care about girl things, girl scents (perfumes, deodorants, etc) often gross me out. Makeup is annoying, and yeah, just... don't get it. This cartoon sums it up quite nicely, actually: http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=518 I have recollections of smelling my fathers aftershaves and deodorants (yeah, I know), and enjoying the scent much more. I've since switched to men's body wash, and am much happier with it.
In terms of hygiene... I've always loathed showering and shaving. I figured it was attributable to something in my past, but once I came out, that reluctance pretty much cleared up. I still won't shave my legs, and I've given up shaving under my arms, but i've started shaving my peach fuzz on my face. It feels much more natural than shaving my legs/underarms EVER did. It also serves the purpose of eventually helping me pass (women have peach fuzz-y faces, men don't). As for the showering, I can only assume that my reluctance was due to self loathing of my body that hit right around puberty.
I hated my body. I figured it was because I'm fat. But I don't think that's it. Because I hate my body less now that I'm aware and out. I hate my chest. I don't want breasts, and never had. I hate bras, and almost never wore them. When I found out I was a D cup, I almost cried (not for a good reason). I recently started wearing a chest binder--something that compresses your breasts to make it flatter, as a part of passing. The first time I put it on, and put a shirt on and saw a flat chest, I did cry, this time for a good reason. THAT was the body I was meant to have--the one I want!
I typically preferred a gender neutral look, with a few exceptions where I went through girly phases. Which, I've learned, is not uncommon for FtM (female to male) transgenders.
This isn't something I've always known. A common myth (one I'd believed myself) is that transgenders and transsexuals (see explanations at the top for the difference) know from a young age that they're different or the wrong gender. This isn't always true. In my case, I've had maybe half a dozen fleeting thoughts that I might've been born the wrong gender. I was aware of transender people, but it never occurred to me that I could be trans myself.
In terms of my plans, I'm already using a new name. It's not legally changed yet, it's called a common-use name change: Patrick James Brian Farley. Patrick, Pat, or PJ is fine. I plan to go on testosterone therapy, and have a mastectomy, hopefully all three within the next year (the common use name change is immediate). I have no plans at this point for a phalloplasty (having a penis created) mainly because, while you can have good results with that surgery, I'm not personally confident enough in the procedure to have it done just yet.
What does this mean for you? If you're reading this because I've asked you to, then you're a friend or family member who will be affected. As of now, I'm asking to be called Patrick (Pat, PJ, whichever), and be referred to by masculine nouns/pronouns. He, him, nephew, brother, etc. I understand that it will take some time to get used to, especially if you've known me for a long time. While I'm asking this now, I'm not going to be a bitch about it, if you will, until my legal name change (probably in January 2011). I hope you understand, however, that this IS very important to me, and I'm extremely uncomfortable being addressed as a female.
Please know that I'm still the same person you knew. If anything, I'm a better person, because I'm happier. As confusing and difficult as this transition can be, for me and for everyone, I'm no longer as angry, depressed, and frustrated as I was (some of the emotions are there still, but to a lesser extent).
I'm completely willing to have a conversation with anyone, and answer any questions to the best of my ability. We can talk via IM, email, Facebook PMs, in person. You can ask me almost anything (translate that as, you can ask, but if the question is TOO personal, I reserve the right to politely decline). I'm looking for resources for my friends and family, both in print and online. If you want some, let me know and I'll do what I can.
One last thing, and it's VERY important. Please do not 'out' me. That is my right only. Many transpeople are injured or murdered each year because of simply BEING trans, and I have to carefully weigh who I tell. It's a scary decision. You may think it's okay to tell your child, or spouse/significant other, or another family member of mine or yours, or a mutual friend of ours. But please, in all seriousness, consider me on my knees begging, do NOT do so, without my explicit permission. Odds are, if I want someone to know, I'll let them know. I'm sure some of you may think I'm exaggerating the dangers, but it happens. If you want to tell someone, ask me.
hir (pronounced here): instead of him or her/his or her
sie (pronounced zee): instead of he or she
sex: the male or female designation someone is assigned at birth; biological
gender: a social construct of being male or female, more fluid, and not dichotomous, that is, not strictly male or female, but can fall in between.
transgender: a person whose identified gender does not match their sex. Any transition to their identified sex is social only (clothing and hair styles, voice modulation, not with medical intervention)
transsexual: a transgender person who will transition medically--via hormone therapy and/or surgery
We had a guest lecturer in my Human Sexuality class this summer, when we were covering gender identity. Sie is a transgender. Sie talked about not getting the whole 'being a girl thing.'
And that resonates so strongly with me. I don't GET being a girl. I don't CARE about being a girl. By biologic distinction, that is what I am. I have breasts that I've alternated between ignoring and hating (and not just because of the health issues that my family has with them). I take a birth control pill, not because I don't want to get pregnant (had my tubes tied), but because I don't want to menstruate (I'm on one of the ones you take where you get it 4 times a year, and looking into if I can get the one where you NEVER get it covered by insurance).
I've felt for a very long time that I didn't especially feel like a girl. I don't care about girl things, girl scents (perfumes, deodorants, etc) often gross me out. Makeup is annoying, and yeah, just... don't get it. This cartoon sums it up quite nicely, actually: http://www.asofterworld.com/index.php?id=518 I have recollections of smelling my fathers aftershaves and deodorants (yeah, I know), and enjoying the scent much more. I've since switched to men's body wash, and am much happier with it.
In terms of hygiene... I've always loathed showering and shaving. I figured it was attributable to something in my past, but once I came out, that reluctance pretty much cleared up. I still won't shave my legs, and I've given up shaving under my arms, but i've started shaving my peach fuzz on my face. It feels much more natural than shaving my legs/underarms EVER did. It also serves the purpose of eventually helping me pass (women have peach fuzz-y faces, men don't). As for the showering, I can only assume that my reluctance was due to self loathing of my body that hit right around puberty.
I hated my body. I figured it was because I'm fat. But I don't think that's it. Because I hate my body less now that I'm aware and out. I hate my chest. I don't want breasts, and never had. I hate bras, and almost never wore them. When I found out I was a D cup, I almost cried (not for a good reason). I recently started wearing a chest binder--something that compresses your breasts to make it flatter, as a part of passing. The first time I put it on, and put a shirt on and saw a flat chest, I did cry, this time for a good reason. THAT was the body I was meant to have--the one I want!
I typically preferred a gender neutral look, with a few exceptions where I went through girly phases. Which, I've learned, is not uncommon for FtM (female to male) transgenders.
This isn't something I've always known. A common myth (one I'd believed myself) is that transgenders and transsexuals (see explanations at the top for the difference) know from a young age that they're different or the wrong gender. This isn't always true. In my case, I've had maybe half a dozen fleeting thoughts that I might've been born the wrong gender. I was aware of transender people, but it never occurred to me that I could be trans myself.
In terms of my plans, I'm already using a new name. It's not legally changed yet, it's called a common-use name change: Patrick James Brian Farley. Patrick, Pat, or PJ is fine. I plan to go on testosterone therapy, and have a mastectomy, hopefully all three within the next year (the common use name change is immediate). I have no plans at this point for a phalloplasty (having a penis created) mainly because, while you can have good results with that surgery, I'm not personally confident enough in the procedure to have it done just yet.
What does this mean for you? If you're reading this because I've asked you to, then you're a friend or family member who will be affected. As of now, I'm asking to be called Patrick (Pat, PJ, whichever), and be referred to by masculine nouns/pronouns. He, him, nephew, brother, etc. I understand that it will take some time to get used to, especially if you've known me for a long time. While I'm asking this now, I'm not going to be a bitch about it, if you will, until my legal name change (probably in January 2011). I hope you understand, however, that this IS very important to me, and I'm extremely uncomfortable being addressed as a female.
Please know that I'm still the same person you knew. If anything, I'm a better person, because I'm happier. As confusing and difficult as this transition can be, for me and for everyone, I'm no longer as angry, depressed, and frustrated as I was (some of the emotions are there still, but to a lesser extent).
I'm completely willing to have a conversation with anyone, and answer any questions to the best of my ability. We can talk via IM, email, Facebook PMs, in person. You can ask me almost anything (translate that as, you can ask, but if the question is TOO personal, I reserve the right to politely decline). I'm looking for resources for my friends and family, both in print and online. If you want some, let me know and I'll do what I can.
One last thing, and it's VERY important. Please do not 'out' me. That is my right only. Many transpeople are injured or murdered each year because of simply BEING trans, and I have to carefully weigh who I tell. It's a scary decision. You may think it's okay to tell your child, or spouse/significant other, or another family member of mine or yours, or a mutual friend of ours. But please, in all seriousness, consider me on my knees begging, do NOT do so, without my explicit permission. Odds are, if I want someone to know, I'll let them know. I'm sure some of you may think I'm exaggerating the dangers, but it happens. If you want to tell someone, ask me.