Jun 24, 2005 21:06
I dont really know what it is that is so wrong with me. A while ago i decided i did not like the person who i was, i decided that what i was doing in my life was wrong. I did a lot of things that i am not proud of. I had a lot of things happen to me that still haunt me, but i wanted to change. I needed to change. I decided that i wanted to make a better person of my self. I wanted to be smarter about the decisions i was making. I stoped doing the things that were damaging my life, i wanted to stop fucking around in relationships, i wanted to be in a serious relationship. i just simply wanted to be happy. but since then, i have found myself being hurt and fucked over. I dont want the perfect women. I only want to know and feel that i am cared about. i want my girlfriend to love spending time with me. even if all we do is sit around, watch a movie and cuddle. I am so alone right now. i think after the shit that has happened in the past months, i have found myself with just about no self esteem, its eating at me every day. I just wanna sit and cry. i wont, i think it would only make me feel worse. I understand that no one is perfect, no relationship is perfect either. everyone makes mistakes, i think the mistake i have made lately is being so terrified, terified to trust, to care, terrified to give my girlfriend too much or not enough attention. I think im just absolutly terrified to be who i am, i am afraid of showing all of me and getting rejected. it would crush me. I truly care for brittany, but recently it has become aware to me, our relationship is falling apart. i am not making her happy. this crushes me. when we went to hampton to go to a party at mirandas house, i backed off brittany. gave her some space. i figured it would be annoying if i was up her ass all night and i was scared to be real close to her becuase i didnt know if she wanted to be right there next to her all night or not. i would of love to, i rarely get to see her so any time i spend with her i wish nothing more than to be like an attachment to her ass. but i didnt think she would want that. i was wrong and by being afraid, i made her feel as if i would rather just be around my friends, granted i love my friends, but i think nothing would make me happier than to be in brittanys arms. Right now i dont think there is anything i wouldnt give to be able to talk to her, but by the way tonight went and the past week has went i dont think that brittany wants to spend any time with me, i dont make her happy i geuss. it seems that i cant make anyone happy, i know that you need to make yourself happy first but thats what i dont understand. FOR ONCE i am happy in who i am. the things i have stayed away from, the fact that i am ready and willing to have and take responsibility for a good lasting relationship. but i feel as if im worthless when it comes to making my girlfriend happy. I just wanted to be cared for. i want to feel it, to see it. i dont know what point i have in rambling like this. its kind of pointless. i think that brittany maybe would be better off with someone else. it kills me to say that, but it seems like thats what it comes down to. I hope that she calls, or comes over here and gives me a understandable reason to why she has blown me off again, and i hope that i can kiss her, and just cuddle with her, i wish that it wasnt impossible for that to happen. i know that she wont call, or come to me.
i have said enough,
i must work at 9am tomarrow so im going to go try and sleep, the only peace i get out of the day.
goodnight.