(no subject)
I got mega bad butterflies.. and i dunno why..
Its like i know something bad is going to happen. Just waiting, for something to come out and hit me.
I got a bad feeling inside of me.
I actually feel sick.
Last night.. was a bad one.
To say the least.
I went up to my room, listened to some music.. and started crying.
Just.. sobbing. Totally.
Then i started whispering to myself..
"I need to.. ive got to.. just once.. one cut.."
One cut, turned into several.
Several turned into multiple..
Around 1.30am i went downstairs to bandage myself up, creeping in the darkness of the house- whilst everybody else lay asleep. Crying into the night.. both in pain, and self pity.
I didnt bandage myself up- but instead got a glass of water.
Pill taking time.
I took some.. and cut some more, crying so hard i could barely see what i was doing.
Then around 2.50am i got a phone call.
Anton.
Why the hell- was he. Out of everybody in the world.. calling me.
I didnt get it.
Nothing made sense. I didnt answer. I couldnt.. not in this state. I stopped.
I cleaned myself up- and txt him asking why he was calling me.
He said "Girl probs need to talk :) soz for ringin did i wake u x x soz"
And i said.. no he didnt wake me. Im always awake.. and why the hell would he wanna talk to me about girl problems anyway. I told him he could call back now, and went downstairs at around 3am.
He replied saying: "Its ok il talk to gav hes over here now hes seen pics of u and has talked to u on msn"
So i just said, okay, why didnt you speak to him in the first place then?
And he replied:
"Yeh he likes u bless him. u wanna get 2 no him?"
And i said "If hes anything like you- no. Apart from that- yeah sure why not!! =]"
Ha- he didnt reply to that one.
Didnt think he would.
I went back up stairs around 3.15am.
I put everything away.
My tablets, my blade my water. And i dried my tears and went to bed.
Perhaps for once in his life he saved me.
Yet i dont know how what he said saved me.. =S
Bought some paracetamol this morning. Now i have a total of 40 tablets to use. Still saving up. A stash.. just in case.
Me and Liz have decided to try one last time.
And if nothing is better- March 3rd is going to repeat itself. And what a better day than.. March 3rd.
This life is limited.
I start the countdown for it to get better.
If not?
In the words of lizzie Baines:
"I have given so many one last shots. Seriously after this there will be no more."