Reload:Re-blog
I move blogs like a nomad. I think I've found home here, LJ. This is just a repost of all the old crap. There's this and my DA blog that I don't consider complete shit, only partial shit.
Playing Wintery Havock.
Current mood:Icy
Perspective is important. Cut my hand with a chisel on Monday. It’s easy to forget just how sharp they are. Perhaps it’s the shape, it’s deceptively blunt. Bled like mad.
I had inspiration, I truly did, but the late hour stole it.
Where did they all go when you felt most alone?
Did they cast off from the shore?
Left you there, knee deep in the sand.
The husks of promises your only company.
This weather pinks your cheeks, and claims your body back, your fingers, toes, nose and ears falling prey so easily, as lambs to lions.
I remember the rippling heat, and the hot dry wind with a foreign fondness. Hide my love and don’t show no scars.
I don’t want you, regret.
If they could see you guys now, maybe they wouldn’t have said half the things they did. I’d like to think that they wouldn’t. What it’s driven you to is enough to wring remorse from the most hardened heart. I lost my book! Now there’s no way I’ll ever be able to let you know.
And there it is, all icy stillness, claiming me again. I can’t feel my toes, or my fingers, but they still obey my commands. I can type at a decent rate. I hope that tapping doesn’t wake anyone up. But then Mama can watch TV at full volume and we can still sleep. She really doesn’t like her hearing aid, bless her.
She woke me up when she started sanding the other morning. 9 o’clock in the am and an 83 year old woman is using a power sander. Sometimes I think she’ll live forever. Not a weak person who beats cancer twice, and bone cancer at that.
Hey, you’re playing with my delirium.
I’m sorry I won’t be at your gallery opening Lise. But I will be there entirely in spirit. You really have forged a new life for yourself. I hope it’s one you can be satisfied with.
I know time and distance separate us, so many of us, and the home we made is lost to us. But I mingle with the ghosts of our past often enough to retain that feeling of closeness. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for everything that has happened, for every little thing that has shaped me. That does not mean I don’t wish that time had stopped sometimes. So we could all be together in that fold, albeit briefly, even if it warped a timeline or two.
I want you to understand my capacity for compassion, and rage in equal parts. I like to think I have experienced things that have tempered me.
Interesting fact; the heart of a Blue Whale pumps 5-6 per minute, but the stroke volume of each pump is 10 TONNES OF BLOOD. Seriously. I am not fucking with you. If you don’t believe me ask Sir David.
No amount of coffee is going to save me from the gritty feeling I know I’ll have in the morning, the one you get when you don’t sleep enough. It is morning already, anyway.
Cameron and I made paper aeroplanes between customers at work today. When we though no one was looking we’d peg them across the store as hard as we could. Made ‘em do flips and shit. He’s a good guy is Cam.
Michael is sick. Another Michael is far away, drinking heaps of beer, eating awesome food, studying like the nerd he is and picking up hot European women. Ahh, life’s so hard on that boy. I miss him more than a little bit. I need to speak to Zane re: the situation. Really, would they take it all back if they knew?
Alex is back on the coast with Scott. I’m really starting to see their dynamic. It’s adorable <3
Oh shit! I forgot about the two headed giant tourny >_..
Now I’m too tired/cold to continue to write coherently, though really I was gone after the first sentence. Fooled you!
I rediscovered my first Mars Volta merchandise (a huge sticker that warped slightly after we hugged it too much). It’s on the back of my steel string and it is GLORIOUS. What an album.
But I digress, I was signing off I believe.
Good morrow and Gokigenyou to you all.
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I want to blog ABOUT something, you know. Rather than all this ‘I did this, then I went there and did something else to mix it up a bit.’ Shameful.
Got something! I just enrolled to vote (hopefully. I may not have made the deadline >_>) In Australia voting is compulsory. I think I may have been able to vote in the last local election. Not being enrolled proved to be a bit of an obstacle. My sister managed to avoid enrolling up until last year, and only then because my parents kind of asked her, and they never had before. According to my quick and quite possibly incorrect maths, that means she’d been evading the system for seven, possibly eight years.
Now there’s a lot to be said for compulsory voting. It does allow for a wider cross-section of a Nation’s citizens to voice their political opinion. I suppose it depends on a wide range of variables whether or not this is a good thing. For example, in a country where voting is non-compulsory, it would probably be safe to assume that a certain type of people are going to vote. Naturally this incurs a bias. For democracy to really work, you’d want each citizen’s input. Enter: Compulsory Voting.
Apparently there was a report on ABC Radio tonight about all the advantages of compulsory voting. I’m sad that I missed it, but then I’d probably just be plagiarising. If anyone had any thoughts on the advantages/disadvantages of compulsory voting, don’t be shy!
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Anyhow, wore myself out with that one. I had a dream last night, shocker, I know. It’s been all I’ve been able to think about. Sometimes I think I could live entirely in the past. My memories are like a huge jungle, and I would love nothing more than to spend all my time rediscovering every towering tree and tiny Bromeliad.
Anyone a Black Sabbath fan? I am! I’ve got Paranoid on LP, it was my brothers’. It sounds amazing, just saying. Right now I can’t stop listening to Planet Caravan.
There are so many nifty little extras on this site. One day I’ll figure them out.
Gokigenyou! Brace yourself for the rest of the week!
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These past few months have been busy, busy. Last week and this week have been/will be exceptionally awesome fun. I can’t seem to find time for much besides everything else - there’s not a lot of down time, or silence and reflection, all things I like. I had work Monday and I went to Tora last night, too. It was a bit of a bomb session wise, but I got to check out what I missed last week. Then I have work this afternoon. After which Elly is going to meet me =] Then we’re probably going to watch movies and have her nag me about cleaning my room. Not necessarily in that order. I’m looking forward to it. May even clean as a preventative measure.
She’s staying the night *edit - Alex just texted me and it looks like we could end up over at hers for a while or visa-versa* , and then I’ve got work Wednesday as well. Then we’re going to see the Karate Kid with Michael and Kare. Which I admit, I am uber excited about. I just fucking love Jackie Chan.
I have work on Thursday, and Tora in the evening, and work on Friday, then Brad’s 21st. Saturday I’m meeting up with Zane and hopefully Gerard for a bit of a catch-up. I should see if Sara wants to come, too. On Saturday Night I’m going to Aislinn’s 19th, which promises to be raging good time. We’re planning to pull and all-nighter and get Hotcakes in the morning . Should be sweeeet. Sunday I am going to take the liberty of crashing the fuck out and staying in my pyjamas.
It really does seem like a lot, but I know it’s going to be awesome. I need to buy a first aid kit, too, before my old man cuts an artery and bleeds to death for lack of bandaging and first aid knowledge. Silly prick.
This new phone (not so new now I guess) is working out pretty well, as in, I have yet to loose it. I’m going to change the message on the home page of this blog, too. I can’t really stand it, and I don’t know what possessed me to write it so shittily in the first place. I’ve got people to call and text and buy presents for and I don’t know where my head’s at. I still need those damn screws for my guitar. I was totally hoping to be riffing it up right now, but it’s kind of hard to rock out on a classical acoustic. Not that I don’t love the thing, it’s like the child I’ll probably never have. Which I suppose is appropriate. I should really have a shower and get ready for work now. These obligations are pressing.
Gokigenyou =]
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I have a real problem with impulsiveness. I impulse buy, I impulse kiss, amongst other things. Not 10 minutes ago I impulsively cut my hair. It’s a sight shorter than I’m used to having it, and I am unsure if it was a good idea or not. I have work in two hours, so I guess I’ll find out then. The only person I’ll converse with in the mean time is my dad, and he wouldn’t care if I shaved my head. I’m sure it’ll be fine though, it’s just so annoying when it gets too long. I figured the shorter I cut it, the longer it is before I have to worry about it again.
I wish this blogging had a purpose. Then it would be as if I were contributing toward the greater good just by spilling my guts about something. That’s a pretty crude expression, isn’t it? Australian slang I think, but I could be wrong. We’re crass like that sometimes, but don’t underestimate our ability :]
Anyhow, I have to leave early today because I’ve got to buy some volleys before I start my apprenticeship. As if I could get any more gay. Well, I’m sure I could but gee wiz am I ringing up the stereotypes. I find them comfortable, much more so than the way one is supposed to act and dress as a girl. It’s perfectly ok to be gay, we make concessions for the outlandish and especially the wonderful. I’m a little rough around the edges, but I can be soft. Sometimes I like to flounce around in a dress, it makes me feel vulnerable and skittish. It’s nice to change it up sometimes.
XD. Reading that over makes me wince. But I offer you nothing but the truth, so there it shall stay. I’m going to visit my friend Michael soon, in the hospital. He had a bit of a tough time recently and ended up in there. Me and Sara and Terry will be heading up I think, so I’ll need to text Terry today preferably. Really this is just me ordering my thoughts. You’d think I could accomplish this in my head, but don’t you find it’s much easier if you write it down somewhere?
Right, so I think I’m mostly done. I’m getting hungry and it’s about time to put on my boots anyway. Anyone else wear Doc Martens to work? It’s worked out really well for me. They’re comfy as long as you’ve got good socks, and damn durable. My girlfriend gave me the pair I have now. Pretty sweet of her I must say : ]
Righto, Gokigenyou you bastards XD
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he last of the reposts. Don’t say you’re not excited. Hah hah, hope there’s no one actually reading this, it could get embarrassing. But nothing like a blog to get the lead out right? Ah, that makes me want to get the Led out! *plays Black Dog*
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A tad obsessed.
Current mood:Tender
So I’m just sitting down the end of my street, minding my own business and trying to slowly destroy myself with a death-stick or two. Harmless right? Then some fucker drives down the street to turn around. Really shits me that sort of thing. Can’t you piss off and turn around in the next street over? The carpark at the Station maybe? Would it really be that hard? Of course it would. Instead you have to drive all the way down my street in your nondescript vehicle and expose my night-time activities for all to see in your high beams. Damn you, whoever you were. Worst of all right now all I could do was limp away. At least before I could have piss-bolted, or gotten up long before they’d made it down the street =|
There’s a lot of stuff on my mind right now. I have a vague desire to discuss it with friends, or with Elly. But then, I’m afraid I’ll wear out my welcome. What I really want to do is clock Michael one. If you ever read this you big dick head, never do that again! Nicotine makes me dizzy, giddy, sick. Whenever I make up my mind to smoke a cigarette i’m filled with a horrible anticipation that’s mingled with dread. I know I’ll feel sick, but I want my skin to crawl and my stomach to lurch. I’m reminded of days gone by when I feel like that. When I really was just a bunch of angst syphoned into a Gigai. Oh, for all of you out there who aren’t Bleach fans; a Gigai is a temporary body used by Shinigami (spiritual beings; Soul Reapers; Death Gods) when they are visiting the tangible world, due to loss of power or some such thing. Anyhow. You get the picture, like a ventriloquists dummy, with fight. Right, so now that I’m done nerding the fuck out.
That picture up there, the one of me and Elly, it makes my heart ache. She was so sleepy and defenceless when I took it. She’s so tender when she sleeps. She barely makes a noise and I have to check on her sometimes, just to reassure myself that she is in fact still breathing. When she wakes up her skin is so warm that it’s hot, like she has a fever. When I visit and she answers the door I can tell that she’s just woken up. She smells like sleep. Sweet and warm. I like how her head fits into the dip between my ribcage and my humerus. When she rests there I feel like my insides are the nougat that’s in mars bars, but warmed up. A soft, sugary, pliable mess.
Anyhow. How awkward. Lise, I seriously hope you’re the only one who reads this XD. Actually, after that I hope you’ve stopped reading it too, I’m a little embarrassed >_>’. But I’m going to leave it out there. S’truth after all.
Gokigenyou my friends.
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Number eight *burp*
- 11:59 am
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The eighth and second last repost. I am desperate to hold on to these, I don’t know why though.
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Fuckin’ A.
So I ballsed up my knee again. It’s a little bruised and shit, but I think that this sort of thing is going to keep happening. That is unless I do those physio excercises. But shit, who does those anyway? Good thing I didn’t continue with MST. I would have been driven crazy by all the people blatantly ignoring my instructions. But then, I may have been able to get by purely on the novelty that I was in a position to give instructions to anyone.
It’s late now. My eyes are itching in the way that suggests I should be asleep, with them closed preferably. My body aches all over. Note to self: Don’t attend a class where Simon is in charge and practically the only other person there unless you want to fucking FEEL it the next day.
I realise that this is the only blog I ever really pay all that much attention to. I like it because myspace is now a tumble-weed in the vast, unforgiving land of social networking sites. It’s as if I’ll be safe here, and I can curl up and into my retrospection with no fear of retribution. Placebo is playing so quietly that the beating of the blades of my fan through the air and the tapping of the keys of my keyboard are all but drowning it out. I love that it is underlying though, and the quiet, girlish voice of Bryan Molko is my only companion at this late hour. Actually, I don’t know how to spell his name. I’m hoping I got it right, but I’m not anal enough to look it up right now. Seriously, shit. I can’t move without hurting.
Let me tell you, Simon is a god among men. He’s genuine, hilarious and honest to god passionate about martial arts. I have a boundless amounts of respect for him which is only rivalled by the amount of awe he inspires in me. Last night he kicked the absolute shit out of a kick-bag. So much so that it came crashing down from the I-beam it had been secured to. He had worked through the metal ring holding it in place with the pure friction generated from his kicks and punches. Me and Nick (has that kid grown up? He’s in the first awkward stages of puberty, and it’s almost funny to see. There is such a difference, I remember now, between a child and an adolescent.) were just like; “Fucking. Pwned.” He actually said “Headshot.” which made me laugh, a lot.
But it reminded me that we’re classmates. Simon reiterated that no matter how much you think you know, you always approach a lesson with the mind frame of one whose belt is white as the pure-driven snow. Well, Simon wasn’t as poetic as that, but that makes me sound so full of myself. He said something more along the lines of, “You young fellas. It’s always what if, what if? With you kids. What if doesn’t matter, get it out of your head. here.” and here he roughly grabs little nick by the neck, well, not so little nick, and proceeds to show him what if. If Nick tried to get out this way, Simon locked him out. If he tried to throw a punch Simon blocked him. It reminded me of when lion cubs and puppies are carried around by the scruff of their necks. Nick is still a spoilt kid in a lot of ways. I know his parents, and they really sheltered him because he was the youngest. So here’s Simon not afraid to slap this kid around and I wince every time, because I’m just waiting for Nick to crack it, to go off or to sulk or feign injury or something. But he surprises me, pleasantly.
And we had a great training session in the Muay Thai cage. When you walk in you can smell the salt and the sweat. We went in just after the boys had left, and there was still sweat on the floor. That’s how rough it is, how hard they go. Go hard or go home? Rather. So we kicked the shit out of the bags, basic combos weaving and blocking. You’d kick the bag away and it’d swing back at you. You could kick it again, take the force of the blow with your guard, or sidestep. Dance around it, ‘float like a butterfly.’
We were doing this great combo on the pads though. Lead jab, right cross, duck, left hook, right cross. It flowed so smoothly. My hands are sore from the jarring impact of hitting the pads Simon was holding. Even with my gloves and his focus mits I could still feel how like stone he is. Unyielding. When I clench my hand my muscles protest a bit. I’ve said it many times before, but I would absolutely hate to run into Simon in a dark alley. Without a doubt he would beat the ever-loving shit out of anything if he had to.
It’s all about mentality. Nick proved he had what it took. It’s all about being able to shake off the pain and the fatigue, to be able to wipe the sweat out of your eyes and keep drilling the bags. You can pussy out, or you can keep going - and you KNOW you’ll benefit. How could you not? And we respect that trait in one another. If you’re giving it all you’ve got that’s all the matters to us. Not how many dan you’ve got, or who your sensei’s sensei was. Not how much the bag jumps when you strike it, or how good your form is. It’s about fire and a drive to improve. Repetition serves you well in martial arts. Drills literally drill forms into you. You repeat them over and over again, learning over time to perfect your technique, increase your speed and heighten your power. And there is a real sense of satisfaction that comes with being in a group of people who all have the same drive, the same interest and the same passion.
My erector spinae are all ‘fuck you’ right now. Naturally it’s later than it was before, and so it would be safe to surmise that I am more tired than I was before. I have to be up before nine tomorrow. And I can hardly wait, hah.
Well, I just spent a long-ass time bigging Simon up. But there’s no shame in that. I’m ready for this apprenticeship. It begins soon enough and I have Elise’s House warming, Valentine’s Day, Dream World and Amanda Fucking Palmer to look forward to besides.
I need to lay down now, honestly. Before I mash the keyboard with my face.
And it’s Placebo, once again. How fitting.
Gokigenyou!
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Seventh and third last. Not much more that you have to endure I promise you.
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When you least expect it.
Current mood: calm
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She takes every scene they steal
She fakes every pain they feel
She must be a Thelma or Louise
She must be a post-modern tease
Must she?
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When you least expect it, things you’d rather not happen simply do. It’s always an unpleasant surprise, and I suppose there’s never really a way you can be prepared for the things life loves to spring upon you.
A spider is spinning a web in front of my monitor right now. He’s (or she’s) only very tiny, but they’ve spun the framework already. All they’ve got to do is spin those looping threads that connect the spokes of the web.
I don’t know what he hopes to snare in my room. Perhaps the pieces of my soul that are absorbed by things like this. Like a dream catcher, maybe this little spiders web will snare the ethereal remnants of a trance-like state. Not that of sleep, but of vague sedentary awareness. My peripherals catch only occasional glimpses of white walls and the silvery, reflective surface of a metallic skull on my bookshelf.
Ah! He was on my hand just then. When he moved I have no idea. His little forelegs were waving absurdly, trying to detect where they would next be able to step. I let him off onto my desk. I wonder what he’ll do now? He can’t be the succubus I imagine, preying on my soul, albeit passively.
You know, early Kings of Leon is much more enjoyable than all this new shite. Guess that’s the way with a lot of bands.
The other night when I was at Alex’s she, Elly, Zeke and I all hung out in Zeke’s room. It was cool. He has nice lighting, heh. He also had a bass, which I must admit are exceptionally fun to play. I think I might buy one at some point. I tuned his guitar too, which was missing its high E string. Still plucked out something cool though. I really do love being able to do that. It’s almost innate now. But of course it never can truly be, hah hah.
The little spider is climbing on my hand as I’m typing. Oh, I think he just started abseiling down my arm. Oh wait. He’s climbing up my shoulder now. Hah hah, I really hope I don’t squish him accidentally.
So I’m nearly halfway through working 10 days in a row, which I will admit is a novelty for me. Once I get started on this apprenticeship it’ll be interesting to see how I adjust.
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Look through me because I am transparent
Her to know me but why even know yourself?
I’m beginning to need all that I can’t have
I’m succeeding to speak like I’m fuckin’ mad
Am I?
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Pick up sticks
- 11:54 am
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The week ahead
Current mood: awake
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I’m pretty excited for this week. Or what remains of it.
After work today I’m going to meet Elly, after she finishes work. Then we’re going to her house, to crash, play Border Lands, whatever really. Then tomorrow night is the Volta concert ! And after than, depending on when it finishes, (I should text Michael) I’m going out with Lise and Matt and others . Woo student night!
Elly’s probably going to come too, after the open air movie night with Blair and friends. Then on Friday night there’s going to be a Jammie party at Paulie’s. Which it appears me, Elly and Sara are all attending. Therefore it should be awesome. Not to mention there will be lots of inebriating substances present. Nothing like a good knees-up.
Aaaaaand on Saturday there’s work in the arvo? I think? I should really check that. And on Saturday night it’s Mel’s birthday outing. So more clubbing, huzzah! I’ve got Sunday to sleep, thank you god. Or maybe something else will happen, who knows?
Either way, I’m looking forward to the weekend, which is five days long this time around ! I hope everyone else is having a fantastic time of the holidays, working, hanging out with your friends, etc.
Shell shock! Was it the cure? Hope not! What’s your name? Zero!
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<3 Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
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Cinque
- 11:52 am
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And the fifth lovelies. Not long now, I’m almost up to speed.
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You take my breath away
Current mood: sleepy
Sleep smells sweet when it clings to your skin, in the half-light. Soft skin whispers away under its parallel, rustling like crisp autumn leaves.
Where has the year gone? Where has my mind gone? (Where is my mind? Way out in the water.)
Casshern was possibly the most intense movie I have ever seen.
Things are going right for the people around me and I am enriched by their happiness.
Pretty excited for sunset sounds. There is virtually no one more awesome than Karen O. She’s the fucking bomb. And then the Volta! Yeah! Got to pay Lise and Michael back. Can’t forget that. Next week and the week after I think. I’ll write that down somewhere.
I’m way out
Way out
What colour is your heartbeat? What cadence does the flow of your blood have? Is it in time? Pulsing red, neon blue, forest green beneath the soft white stretch of your translucent skin? They hum, sunshine yellow on a cloudy day, sickle celled and ash grey when you turn you eyes away from me. That throbbing bass line, tugged from thick banded metal drawn tightly over a slim wooden body. I want to jump in time. And never leave. Chronology is meaningless.
I want to thread the notes together, string them along behind me and trail a sweet, melancholy melody. The Moonlight Sonata is beyond words.
What is it that has changed in me these past few years? I couldn’t honestly tell you. To err is human they say. Thank goodness for that. But there are times when I feel enough like a fucking alien in my own skin that it’s still mildly surprising to realise that yes, I am a bipedal primate humanoid looking thing of the genus Homo Sapien. Eight fingers, ten toes and two wonderful opposable thumbs. Originally anyway. Hah hah, homo.
Enough for today. It’s surprising I don’t tire of repeating myself, and that I never realise how much like a stone thrown into the ocean this is.
Gokigenyou!
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Sounds like some illustrious title, non? Hate to disappoint, but this is only a teeny, tiny entry. Although I won’t hesitate to say that it is quite pretty in my own opinion, which is why I am including it. And so; The Fourth.
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Forget, but never say never. (Idiot Drugs)
Repeat, repeat, repeat. I want that trembling timidity. I can see it in your eyes, and the way that the tears that have not yet been shed glisten, conforming to your iris and magnifying your essence. I want to breathe sharply, tasting air like crisp apples, fresh and sweet on my tongue. Tart like a red, beaded raspberry, I want this feeling never to leave. Never to leave me.
A thumb, resting, reassuring, running over smooth, soft skin at an easy pace. I want to pretend that there’s never any doubt. Don’t be the thorn, be the rose. Lush, velveteen petals in a deep blood red ripple out from the small, black well the shadows cast at the centre. I would slip between them and sleep forever, surrounded by the sweetest scent, the softest embrace.
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Gokigenyou!
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Which I understand is Italian for three. Not entirely sure on the spelling, but the pronunciation is the ‘tr’ sound like in truck and the ‘e’ sound like at the beginning of egg. The third of my reposted blog entries, do enjoy =].
How can you sleep at night?
- Brick Shithouse - Placebo.
Meet The Brick Shithouse ..
This Is The Brick Shithouse ..
Meet The Brick Shithouse…
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Lay him down, lie on
Lay him… down
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around.
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching…
Meet the Brick Shithouse,
Kiss the Brick Shithouse,
Meet the Brick Shithouse,
Kiss.
Lay him down, lie on
Lay him… down
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around.
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching…when he’s around
When you cum you never make a single sound,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around,
When he’s around, when he’s around,
He’s around.
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Lay him down, lie on
Lay him… down
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around.
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching…when he’s around
When you cum you never make a single sound,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around,
When he’s around, when he’s around,
He’s around.
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
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Soon enough I’ll become an Aunty for the third time. And who knows what help
me, but I’m scared. The girls, my nieces, of my brothers blood as I am. It’s
amazing the stock we put in family. It’s because we’re lumped together, isn’t
it? Of course there are some familial bonds that are strained, severed. I
looked at my sister today, and the child, the whole new human being that was swelling
within her and I couldn’t help but smile. She’s taking responsibility for
someone’s life, someone who could live for a day, or eighty years. She’s going
to love them, teach them and care for them until they’re old enough to do most
of the work.
But always the love. I know Amelia. There are several things she is. Some of
these things are, unabashed, strong, willful, caring, loyal and astute. I
remember when I was younger I thought less of her, and I can see how that came
to be. But what once made me think that has reinforced my faith in her, and I
can’t help but feel my heart swell with love when I think of her, or see her.
Of course, one remains aloof and unimpressed when they’re trying to hard to be
something not worthy of admiration. It’s amazing to recall past actions and
reflect on the motivations and such behind them, only to have them sicken you
to the stomach as they flicker through your mind.
I wish I could take a lot of things back. I wish I didn’t think a lot of the
things I do think, purely because I’m afraid of what the repercussions will be.
I don’t want to live or deal with the consequences.
There’s a lot that still mystifies me. It’s hard to
understand other people when you can’t understand yourself. But I know a little
of what motivates most people. Actually, it can be summed up in one word.
Desire. We desire to prove ourselves, to obtain something, someone, make
something of ourselves. It’s easy to identify patterns of behaviour. I try my
utmost to piece it together in people I see often. That’s right, I’m assessing
you! Hah hah, nah, chill guys. But seriously.
This weekend should be good. Supernova in the morning with
Sara and possibly Elise. I hear there’s a costume, and I’m dying to see it. I
really have to think ahead for next year, but there are so many choices. At
least there’s Louisa’s party next weekend. I’ll have to put something together
for that. Damn.
Of course there’s the baby shower. Foot massages for all! I’m
bringing my oils. That should be good. A veritable swamp of femininity, which
we all know is my forte’. At least Bridie will be there. I can tell her about
the chick I saw on the train the other day that looked almost exactly like her.
It was crazy.
And then there’s pre-drinks at mine, as I am conveniently
located near the station. Michael if you’re reading this you should come if you’re
not doing anything/ not coming already. I’ll text you regardless, so no stress.
Then we’re rolling into town for a night out. Happy hour at The Beat. Hurrah!
Hah hah. I wonder if I’ll last all night, Sinead?
And, for a lovely finale’ there will be the queer film
festival with my lovely. I forget exactly what it is we’re seeing, but knowing
Elly it’ll be artsy and fulfilling and I’ll be sad at the end of it but filled
with a renewed pride for the gay community. Man, when the heck is Pride? I need
to find out, there is no way we’re missing out this year. Sara, you must come
with me and support my gaiety, and so must you Zane. It is mandatory. As will you
Michael, because it’s lols how many men hit on you. And also because you’re my
mate, yeah ^_^?
Hmm. So yes, good weekend. Oh! I also bought dice! Finally.
They are wondrous and glittery and purple. And I will deal massive damage with
my D20 of dooooooom. Bring on the hobgoblins, Terry.
.. ..
Ah, and I swear much too much at work. And everyone thinks I’m
a cursing, drunken dyke. Which is pretty much accurate. Hah hah. ‘cept I’m not
all that drunk, except on a good night out, and an occasional night in. Serves
me right for buying a slab of cider and stashing it in the back room. But
because Cheryl is awesome, and Natalie is so affable it was a fantastic shift.
=]
Strange dreams lately. Having trouble distinguishing them
from reality. I’d rather not dream at all.
.. ..
Gokigenyou!
^_^
--
The next instalment of my repost series. Please, do enjoy.
-
Feelin’ like a motherfuck.
Current mood: amused …………
……
Insomnia by Faithless
-
I only smoke weed when I need to
And I need to get some rest
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet
Make my way to the refrigerator
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam
When the light above my head went bam!
I can’t sleep, something’s all over me
Greasy, insomnia please release me
And let me dream about making mad love on the heath
Tearing off tights with my teeth
But there’s no relief
I’m wide awake in my kitchen
It’s dark and I’m lonely
Oh, if I could only get some sleep
Creeky noises make my skin creep
I need to get some sleep
I can’t get no sleep….
-
I was discussing religion and faith with Alex tonight, and the more we talked
about it the more I realised that we could have probably talked forever. As
interesting and engaging as that would have been, Gimi called and him and
Stewart swung ’round for a night of aimless driving. Good fun. Try not to walk
at night and be constantly alert in case of incidents of ‘coking’. That’s fair
warning to you all.
Tomorrow night a bunch of us (I presume) are going out belatedly for Amy’s
birthday. Coincidently her and Sinead were born on the same day, go figure. It
should be a good night, if I can find a damn pair of shoes.
I’m having a brief love affair with Egyptian cotton. Towels, sheets, shirts.
It’s gorgeous stuff. Come to think of it, it may actually not be brief at all.
Because everyone else is back at Uni now I’m working pretty much every weekday
which I admit I am not used to. I’m looking at my textbooks and finding that
everything still makes sense, so I haven’t completely relapsed. I have four
veritable tomes that I have vaguely promised to commit to memory, or at least
become very familiar with. But then I have another book quest which involves
tracking down the first two books in a Robin Hobb trilogy, the third of which I
stupidly bought thinking it was standalone. I am looking forward to reading
them however, after I’m done with Wicked, which I have enjoyed quite a bit. I
must track that guy down, too. The author.
So, now with work, Tora on Monday and Thursday nights (if I’m not working too
late or seeing Elly or doing various other things) there are also Tuesday nights
which are quickly becoming the most anticipated night of the week, for reasons
I am hesitant to state. Pshaw.
Back to what Alex and I were discussing. It was to do with the people we know,
and how people seem linked by faith. I said (perhaps callously, perhaps
incorrectly) that Christianity is a default religion in the western world. That
doesn’t make it any less significant of course. Because let’s face it, it’s
pretty much the biggest thing since sliced bread. Hah hah, get what I was about
to type next; ‘God only knows why.’ Look at that. What a prime example. It’s
subliminal. Why would god know? I don’t believe in a god. Any kind, regardless
of religion.
That’s what’s so great about Christianity though. Isn’t it something that you
can just fall into? It’s like a big ole security blanket. And because it’s so present
here, it’s harder to question it. It’s a shame that we need the networks that
religion creates to support us through life. I kind of a see it as needing a
crutch, something to explain infinity away. It may seem stupid to a lot of
people, but I believe that there are simply some things that we won’t be able
to comprehend. There are probably millions upon millions of things. Then
questions crop up. Where did life come from? How was the universe created?
Well. we’ve got theories. The ones based on fact (thank you, Science) certainly
seem plausible.
Ages ago though, people made things up to explain what they didn’t understand,
or simply because they could get away with the craziest things. Myths, legends,
stories. Things to explain why things are as they are. We retain a lot of
these, and they’re fanciful tales. Weaving in and out of the fabric of human
history right up to the present. I wonder, is religion so different? The ideas
of one person, or a group of people forged into an organisation, a following, a
family. However you wish to describe it. The ideas give birth to ideals and
rules for the groups and they began to justify their way of thinking with
stories, tales, recounts of disciples, prophets and leaders deeds. It’s a
wonderful, amazing thing. How humanity seems to create itself from nothing. And
the weight of the meaning of the word ‘humanity.’
And sometimes I think a little too much, and I’m overwhelmed by input, when I
try to take in everything that I can see, every nuance of existence of every
object on my desk. Matches - hardwood plantations - chainsaws - wildlife -
every cigarette that flares into life. Water - Source - spring - detritus -
fish - larvae -leaves - plants - factory - bottle.
It makes my head ache in a melancholy way. Like there’s something out there
beyond my reach. But I don’t mind, not so much. It’s sad, sure, but we can live
with sadness. We live, isn’t that the most important thing!? This consciousness
we possess? We wouldn’t know the difference if we were dead, yet to be born, or
never to be born at all. But we are here, no? And it’s full of sensation! I
want to savour it all. Of course, some of it I will recoil from, but it’s all
experience that we can look back on during our short lives and either remember
fondly or attempt to erase from our minds.
The most important thing, despite all I’ve said is that you find what works for
you. Or not seek it at all, and instead choose to not define yourself and what
you believe by any name, but rather live as you do and as you will.
Kangaroo Died by Placebo
--
Well the doctor keeps me waiting
The blood in my brain
The pain in my chest
Oh Oh Oh
Only happens when it’s rainin’
The smoke in my lung
The beer in my gut
Oh Oh Oh
Feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
Feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
It’s a nightmare in the alley
The undertaker’s there
With his bowler hat
Oh Oh Oh
And his coffin eyes are empty
The ex-wife she’s there too
Grinnin’ like a Cheshire cat
Oh Oh Oh
And I’m feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
Feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
I’m tryin’ to buy a drink
But the barmaid’s cross-eyed
Why’d they let her work here?
Hell I just don’t know
I find it hard to think
Since my kangaroo died
Why’d she have to leave me?
Hell I just don’t know
I don’t know
Well the priest is at the pulpit
Tellin’ me I’m wrong
Tellin’ me I’m sickening
Oh Oh Oh
To believe him is to forfeit
Everything I am
And everything I’ll never be
Oh Oh
So I’m feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
Feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
I’m tryin’ to buy a drink
But the barmaid’s cross-eyed
Why’d they let her work here
Hell I just don’t know
I find it hard to think
Since my kangaroo died
Why’d she have to leave me
Hell I just don’t know
I don’t know
Always were the waters
Deep inside your heart
Always wanted to return
To your body
But I’m not sure I can
-
..
I apologise (though I should have done this initially) for my excessive use of lyrics. I find I want to share my favourites with others so that they have an opportunity to appreciate them, too.
--
I have a blog elsewhere that I want to move, so I’m going to repost my entries here and continue on. Please find attached my inane, senseless late-night bullshit.
Kind regards,
Bleedinglip.
-
Burning clouds around and in my solar plexus.
Current mood: awake
……………………….
I always write best when I’m out of my mind with fatigue, or
I’m just plain out of my mind. Right now I think it’s safe to say that I’m
precariously perched on the edge of one and about to teeter over into the
other.
Let me dispel any falsities before we begin. I am not a together person. That’s
probably pretty easy to tell. Together people probably don’t need to explain
themselves too often, or at least not nearly as often as I do. Nor do they need
to blog about trivial shit. And so, I reveal myself to be a whole in several
pieces;
Recently I’ve been tempted to write about many things. I’ll write them now
before I forget and fall asleep on the keyboard. Allan’s Music. Item one.
Classical or Spanish Guitars. Acrylic or nylon stringed. Broad neck, characteristically
broad head stock. Sounds like; the sweetest strumming/plucking etc. you’ve ever
heard. Only one on the racks in the entire store! It’s a massive place. There
are plenty of steel string acoustics, electrics, bass guitars. Jesus, there
were more fucking Ukuleles than there were nylon string guitars! It’s $400 but
it’s so worth it.
Item two. Downloading an entire series of anime (absolutely no fucking dubs)
only to find that it’s been subbed in French. Shit. Now there are two
languages I can’t understand. (except for the basics; hello, goodbye, thank
you. And the Japanese say thank you for just about everything. And let’s not
forget ‘Gokigenyou!’ literally - [I wish] you stay feeling happy!) To dub
anything is a form of vandalism, 99.9% of the time. It massacres the original
form of the piece and makes the watching experience wholly less enjoyable. Plus
it’s usually out of sync. Anyway, what a waste of four gig.
Sleep is coming less and less easily to me now. By my watch it’s ….1:21….. I am not used to being awake
at this hour unless I’m out doing something. Now I’m just up because I can’t
bring myself to sleep. I’ve practised the guitar more in the past few days than
I probably ever have before. Surprise, surprise, I’m getting better. hah. My
calluses are making a come back.
To distract myself I watched a lot of Strawberry Panic! It’s heartening but at
the same time depressing if you think too much into it. I’m up to episode 13,
but I’m hoping that after I’m done writing sleep will stop being so damn
elusive! So 14 will have to wait for tomorrow. And so will clarity, apparently.
I’ve become rather obsessed with this dragon egg thing. Little online fellows
that you hatch and raise and such. I’m personally not surprised by it, but a
little ashamed. They are very cute though, and that’s enough to counter any
shame I may feel. So you can fuck off before you pounce on that as some kind of
weakness. If you saw them, you’d think they were cute, too.
Also, at some point I fancied myself a bit of poet. Of course I know better
now. It seems that constant insecurity, self-doubt, sadness and general
negative feelings were the only muses I ever had. Perhaps it’s best that way,
but I for one feel very uninteresting now. Hah. ….
.. ..
In tora the other night, last night in fact, we were
covering tradition technique. The one we focused on is called ‘tiger claw’ and
it was developed as a self defense technique for women in feudal ….Japan…..
It requires a rigid claw like configuration of both hands in the typical guard position.
From there several different strikes can be delivered. Most of them are aimed
at the face. It’s not pretty, the tiger claw technique. It’s for gouging eyes,
ripping at skin. They come out a lot like you see a tiger clapping a paw on an
antelope or some such thing. Fast, hard and sharp. Definitely causes a
reaction. My personal favourite is a combination of four blows in sequence. You
basically draw a figure 8 in the air. It’s hard to explain. I’d have to show
you. Either way, it’s an epic technique, and it’s very satisfying to do. Two
Diagonal blows up across the face and then two from the other side. Brutal.
Especially if you have nails. Enough crapping on though. If I get started on
the parallels between tiger claw and kubutan technique I could be here all night.
Or all morning, if you want to think of it that way.
I’m going to post this now and you can call me a dickhead in the morning. I’ll
probably be asleep though. Which means you can go your hardest I guess.
To my friends, much love. To everyone else, the same because there’s just not
enough of it.
Gokigenyou!….
--
Playing Wintery Havock.
Current mood:Icy
Perspective is important. Cut my hand with a chisel on Monday. It’s easy to forget just how sharp they are. Perhaps it’s the shape, it’s deceptively blunt. Bled like mad.
I had inspiration, I truly did, but the late hour stole it.
Where did they all go when you felt most alone?
Did they cast off from the shore?
Left you there, knee deep in the sand.
The husks of promises your only company.
This weather pinks your cheeks, and claims your body back, your fingers, toes, nose and ears falling prey so easily, as lambs to lions.
I remember the rippling heat, and the hot dry wind with a foreign fondness. Hide my love and don’t show no scars.
I don’t want you, regret.
If they could see you guys now, maybe they wouldn’t have said half the things they did. I’d like to think that they wouldn’t. What it’s driven you to is enough to wring remorse from the most hardened heart. I lost my book! Now there’s no way I’ll ever be able to let you know.
And there it is, all icy stillness, claiming me again. I can’t feel my toes, or my fingers, but they still obey my commands. I can type at a decent rate. I hope that tapping doesn’t wake anyone up. But then Mama can watch TV at full volume and we can still sleep. She really doesn’t like her hearing aid, bless her.
She woke me up when she started sanding the other morning. 9 o’clock in the am and an 83 year old woman is using a power sander. Sometimes I think she’ll live forever. Not a weak person who beats cancer twice, and bone cancer at that.
Hey, you’re playing with my delirium.
I’m sorry I won’t be at your gallery opening Lise. But I will be there entirely in spirit. You really have forged a new life for yourself. I hope it’s one you can be satisfied with.
I know time and distance separate us, so many of us, and the home we made is lost to us. But I mingle with the ghosts of our past often enough to retain that feeling of closeness. Don’t get me wrong. I am grateful for everything that has happened, for every little thing that has shaped me. That does not mean I don’t wish that time had stopped sometimes. So we could all be together in that fold, albeit briefly, even if it warped a timeline or two.
I want you to understand my capacity for compassion, and rage in equal parts. I like to think I have experienced things that have tempered me.
Interesting fact; the heart of a Blue Whale pumps 5-6 per minute, but the stroke volume of each pump is 10 TONNES OF BLOOD. Seriously. I am not fucking with you. If you don’t believe me ask Sir David.
No amount of coffee is going to save me from the gritty feeling I know I’ll have in the morning, the one you get when you don’t sleep enough. It is morning already, anyway.
Cameron and I made paper aeroplanes between customers at work today. When we though no one was looking we’d peg them across the store as hard as we could. Made ‘em do flips and shit. He’s a good guy is Cam.
Michael is sick. Another Michael is far away, drinking heaps of beer, eating awesome food, studying like the nerd he is and picking up hot European women. Ahh, life’s so hard on that boy. I miss him more than a little bit. I need to speak to Zane re: the situation. Really, would they take it all back if they knew?
Alex is back on the coast with Scott. I’m really starting to see their dynamic. It’s adorable <3
Oh shit! I forgot about the two headed giant tourny >_..
Now I’m too tired/cold to continue to write coherently, though really I was gone after the first sentence. Fooled you!
I rediscovered my first Mars Volta merchandise (a huge sticker that warped slightly after we hugged it too much). It’s on the back of my steel string and it is GLORIOUS. What an album.
But I digress, I was signing off I believe.
Good morrow and Gokigenyou to you all.
--
I want to blog ABOUT something, you know. Rather than all this ‘I did this, then I went there and did something else to mix it up a bit.’ Shameful.
Got something! I just enrolled to vote (hopefully. I may not have made the deadline >_>) In Australia voting is compulsory. I think I may have been able to vote in the last local election. Not being enrolled proved to be a bit of an obstacle. My sister managed to avoid enrolling up until last year, and only then because my parents kind of asked her, and they never had before. According to my quick and quite possibly incorrect maths, that means she’d been evading the system for seven, possibly eight years.
Now there’s a lot to be said for compulsory voting. It does allow for a wider cross-section of a Nation’s citizens to voice their political opinion. I suppose it depends on a wide range of variables whether or not this is a good thing. For example, in a country where voting is non-compulsory, it would probably be safe to assume that a certain type of people are going to vote. Naturally this incurs a bias. For democracy to really work, you’d want each citizen’s input. Enter: Compulsory Voting.
Apparently there was a report on ABC Radio tonight about all the advantages of compulsory voting. I’m sad that I missed it, but then I’d probably just be plagiarising. If anyone had any thoughts on the advantages/disadvantages of compulsory voting, don’t be shy!
-
Anyhow, wore myself out with that one. I had a dream last night, shocker, I know. It’s been all I’ve been able to think about. Sometimes I think I could live entirely in the past. My memories are like a huge jungle, and I would love nothing more than to spend all my time rediscovering every towering tree and tiny Bromeliad.
Anyone a Black Sabbath fan? I am! I’ve got Paranoid on LP, it was my brothers’. It sounds amazing, just saying. Right now I can’t stop listening to Planet Caravan.
There are so many nifty little extras on this site. One day I’ll figure them out.
Gokigenyou! Brace yourself for the rest of the week!
--
These past few months have been busy, busy. Last week and this week have been/will be exceptionally awesome fun. I can’t seem to find time for much besides everything else - there’s not a lot of down time, or silence and reflection, all things I like. I had work Monday and I went to Tora last night, too. It was a bit of a bomb session wise, but I got to check out what I missed last week. Then I have work this afternoon. After which Elly is going to meet me =] Then we’re probably going to watch movies and have her nag me about cleaning my room. Not necessarily in that order. I’m looking forward to it. May even clean as a preventative measure.
She’s staying the night *edit - Alex just texted me and it looks like we could end up over at hers for a while or visa-versa* , and then I’ve got work Wednesday as well. Then we’re going to see the Karate Kid with Michael and Kare. Which I admit, I am uber excited about. I just fucking love Jackie Chan.
I have work on Thursday, and Tora in the evening, and work on Friday, then Brad’s 21st. Saturday I’m meeting up with Zane and hopefully Gerard for a bit of a catch-up. I should see if Sara wants to come, too. On Saturday Night I’m going to Aislinn’s 19th, which promises to be raging good time. We’re planning to pull and all-nighter and get Hotcakes in the morning . Should be sweeeet. Sunday I am going to take the liberty of crashing the fuck out and staying in my pyjamas.
It really does seem like a lot, but I know it’s going to be awesome. I need to buy a first aid kit, too, before my old man cuts an artery and bleeds to death for lack of bandaging and first aid knowledge. Silly prick.
This new phone (not so new now I guess) is working out pretty well, as in, I have yet to loose it. I’m going to change the message on the home page of this blog, too. I can’t really stand it, and I don’t know what possessed me to write it so shittily in the first place. I’ve got people to call and text and buy presents for and I don’t know where my head’s at. I still need those damn screws for my guitar. I was totally hoping to be riffing it up right now, but it’s kind of hard to rock out on a classical acoustic. Not that I don’t love the thing, it’s like the child I’ll probably never have. Which I suppose is appropriate. I should really have a shower and get ready for work now. These obligations are pressing.
Gokigenyou =]
--
I have a real problem with impulsiveness. I impulse buy, I impulse kiss, amongst other things. Not 10 minutes ago I impulsively cut my hair. It’s a sight shorter than I’m used to having it, and I am unsure if it was a good idea or not. I have work in two hours, so I guess I’ll find out then. The only person I’ll converse with in the mean time is my dad, and he wouldn’t care if I shaved my head. I’m sure it’ll be fine though, it’s just so annoying when it gets too long. I figured the shorter I cut it, the longer it is before I have to worry about it again.
I wish this blogging had a purpose. Then it would be as if I were contributing toward the greater good just by spilling my guts about something. That’s a pretty crude expression, isn’t it? Australian slang I think, but I could be wrong. We’re crass like that sometimes, but don’t underestimate our ability :]
Anyhow, I have to leave early today because I’ve got to buy some volleys before I start my apprenticeship. As if I could get any more gay. Well, I’m sure I could but gee wiz am I ringing up the stereotypes. I find them comfortable, much more so than the way one is supposed to act and dress as a girl. It’s perfectly ok to be gay, we make concessions for the outlandish and especially the wonderful. I’m a little rough around the edges, but I can be soft. Sometimes I like to flounce around in a dress, it makes me feel vulnerable and skittish. It’s nice to change it up sometimes.
XD. Reading that over makes me wince. But I offer you nothing but the truth, so there it shall stay. I’m going to visit my friend Michael soon, in the hospital. He had a bit of a tough time recently and ended up in there. Me and Sara and Terry will be heading up I think, so I’ll need to text Terry today preferably. Really this is just me ordering my thoughts. You’d think I could accomplish this in my head, but don’t you find it’s much easier if you write it down somewhere?
Right, so I think I’m mostly done. I’m getting hungry and it’s about time to put on my boots anyway. Anyone else wear Doc Martens to work? It’s worked out really well for me. They’re comfy as long as you’ve got good socks, and damn durable. My girlfriend gave me the pair I have now. Pretty sweet of her I must say : ]
Righto, Gokigenyou you bastards XD
--
he last of the reposts. Don’t say you’re not excited. Hah hah, hope there’s no one actually reading this, it could get embarrassing. But nothing like a blog to get the lead out right? Ah, that makes me want to get the Led out! *plays Black Dog*
-
A tad obsessed.
Current mood:Tender
So I’m just sitting down the end of my street, minding my own business and trying to slowly destroy myself with a death-stick or two. Harmless right? Then some fucker drives down the street to turn around. Really shits me that sort of thing. Can’t you piss off and turn around in the next street over? The carpark at the Station maybe? Would it really be that hard? Of course it would. Instead you have to drive all the way down my street in your nondescript vehicle and expose my night-time activities for all to see in your high beams. Damn you, whoever you were. Worst of all right now all I could do was limp away. At least before I could have piss-bolted, or gotten up long before they’d made it down the street =|
There’s a lot of stuff on my mind right now. I have a vague desire to discuss it with friends, or with Elly. But then, I’m afraid I’ll wear out my welcome. What I really want to do is clock Michael one. If you ever read this you big dick head, never do that again! Nicotine makes me dizzy, giddy, sick. Whenever I make up my mind to smoke a cigarette i’m filled with a horrible anticipation that’s mingled with dread. I know I’ll feel sick, but I want my skin to crawl and my stomach to lurch. I’m reminded of days gone by when I feel like that. When I really was just a bunch of angst syphoned into a Gigai. Oh, for all of you out there who aren’t Bleach fans; a Gigai is a temporary body used by Shinigami (spiritual beings; Soul Reapers; Death Gods) when they are visiting the tangible world, due to loss of power or some such thing. Anyhow. You get the picture, like a ventriloquists dummy, with fight. Right, so now that I’m done nerding the fuck out.
That picture up there, the one of me and Elly, it makes my heart ache. She was so sleepy and defenceless when I took it. She’s so tender when she sleeps. She barely makes a noise and I have to check on her sometimes, just to reassure myself that she is in fact still breathing. When she wakes up her skin is so warm that it’s hot, like she has a fever. When I visit and she answers the door I can tell that she’s just woken up. She smells like sleep. Sweet and warm. I like how her head fits into the dip between my ribcage and my humerus. When she rests there I feel like my insides are the nougat that’s in mars bars, but warmed up. A soft, sugary, pliable mess.
Anyhow. How awkward. Lise, I seriously hope you’re the only one who reads this XD. Actually, after that I hope you’ve stopped reading it too, I’m a little embarrassed >_>’. But I’m going to leave it out there. S’truth after all.
Gokigenyou my friends.
--
Number eight *burp*
- 11:59 am
Posted in General Blogage
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The eighth and second last repost. I am desperate to hold on to these, I don’t know why though.
-
Fuckin’ A.
So I ballsed up my knee again. It’s a little bruised and shit, but I think that this sort of thing is going to keep happening. That is unless I do those physio excercises. But shit, who does those anyway? Good thing I didn’t continue with MST. I would have been driven crazy by all the people blatantly ignoring my instructions. But then, I may have been able to get by purely on the novelty that I was in a position to give instructions to anyone.
It’s late now. My eyes are itching in the way that suggests I should be asleep, with them closed preferably. My body aches all over. Note to self: Don’t attend a class where Simon is in charge and practically the only other person there unless you want to fucking FEEL it the next day.
I realise that this is the only blog I ever really pay all that much attention to. I like it because myspace is now a tumble-weed in the vast, unforgiving land of social networking sites. It’s as if I’ll be safe here, and I can curl up and into my retrospection with no fear of retribution. Placebo is playing so quietly that the beating of the blades of my fan through the air and the tapping of the keys of my keyboard are all but drowning it out. I love that it is underlying though, and the quiet, girlish voice of Bryan Molko is my only companion at this late hour. Actually, I don’t know how to spell his name. I’m hoping I got it right, but I’m not anal enough to look it up right now. Seriously, shit. I can’t move without hurting.
Let me tell you, Simon is a god among men. He’s genuine, hilarious and honest to god passionate about martial arts. I have a boundless amounts of respect for him which is only rivalled by the amount of awe he inspires in me. Last night he kicked the absolute shit out of a kick-bag. So much so that it came crashing down from the I-beam it had been secured to. He had worked through the metal ring holding it in place with the pure friction generated from his kicks and punches. Me and Nick (has that kid grown up? He’s in the first awkward stages of puberty, and it’s almost funny to see. There is such a difference, I remember now, between a child and an adolescent.) were just like; “Fucking. Pwned.” He actually said “Headshot.” which made me laugh, a lot.
But it reminded me that we’re classmates. Simon reiterated that no matter how much you think you know, you always approach a lesson with the mind frame of one whose belt is white as the pure-driven snow. Well, Simon wasn’t as poetic as that, but that makes me sound so full of myself. He said something more along the lines of, “You young fellas. It’s always what if, what if? With you kids. What if doesn’t matter, get it out of your head. here.” and here he roughly grabs little nick by the neck, well, not so little nick, and proceeds to show him what if. If Nick tried to get out this way, Simon locked him out. If he tried to throw a punch Simon blocked him. It reminded me of when lion cubs and puppies are carried around by the scruff of their necks. Nick is still a spoilt kid in a lot of ways. I know his parents, and they really sheltered him because he was the youngest. So here’s Simon not afraid to slap this kid around and I wince every time, because I’m just waiting for Nick to crack it, to go off or to sulk or feign injury or something. But he surprises me, pleasantly.
And we had a great training session in the Muay Thai cage. When you walk in you can smell the salt and the sweat. We went in just after the boys had left, and there was still sweat on the floor. That’s how rough it is, how hard they go. Go hard or go home? Rather. So we kicked the shit out of the bags, basic combos weaving and blocking. You’d kick the bag away and it’d swing back at you. You could kick it again, take the force of the blow with your guard, or sidestep. Dance around it, ‘float like a butterfly.’
We were doing this great combo on the pads though. Lead jab, right cross, duck, left hook, right cross. It flowed so smoothly. My hands are sore from the jarring impact of hitting the pads Simon was holding. Even with my gloves and his focus mits I could still feel how like stone he is. Unyielding. When I clench my hand my muscles protest a bit. I’ve said it many times before, but I would absolutely hate to run into Simon in a dark alley. Without a doubt he would beat the ever-loving shit out of anything if he had to.
It’s all about mentality. Nick proved he had what it took. It’s all about being able to shake off the pain and the fatigue, to be able to wipe the sweat out of your eyes and keep drilling the bags. You can pussy out, or you can keep going - and you KNOW you’ll benefit. How could you not? And we respect that trait in one another. If you’re giving it all you’ve got that’s all the matters to us. Not how many dan you’ve got, or who your sensei’s sensei was. Not how much the bag jumps when you strike it, or how good your form is. It’s about fire and a drive to improve. Repetition serves you well in martial arts. Drills literally drill forms into you. You repeat them over and over again, learning over time to perfect your technique, increase your speed and heighten your power. And there is a real sense of satisfaction that comes with being in a group of people who all have the same drive, the same interest and the same passion.
My erector spinae are all ‘fuck you’ right now. Naturally it’s later than it was before, and so it would be safe to surmise that I am more tired than I was before. I have to be up before nine tomorrow. And I can hardly wait, hah.
Well, I just spent a long-ass time bigging Simon up. But there’s no shame in that. I’m ready for this apprenticeship. It begins soon enough and I have Elise’s House warming, Valentine’s Day, Dream World and Amanda Fucking Palmer to look forward to besides.
I need to lay down now, honestly. Before I mash the keyboard with my face.
And it’s Placebo, once again. How fitting.
Gokigenyou!
--
Seventh and third last. Not much more that you have to endure I promise you.
-
When you least expect it.
Current mood: calm
-
She takes every scene they steal
She fakes every pain they feel
She must be a Thelma or Louise
She must be a post-modern tease
Must she?
-
When you least expect it, things you’d rather not happen simply do. It’s always an unpleasant surprise, and I suppose there’s never really a way you can be prepared for the things life loves to spring upon you.
A spider is spinning a web in front of my monitor right now. He’s (or she’s) only very tiny, but they’ve spun the framework already. All they’ve got to do is spin those looping threads that connect the spokes of the web.
I don’t know what he hopes to snare in my room. Perhaps the pieces of my soul that are absorbed by things like this. Like a dream catcher, maybe this little spiders web will snare the ethereal remnants of a trance-like state. Not that of sleep, but of vague sedentary awareness. My peripherals catch only occasional glimpses of white walls and the silvery, reflective surface of a metallic skull on my bookshelf.
Ah! He was on my hand just then. When he moved I have no idea. His little forelegs were waving absurdly, trying to detect where they would next be able to step. I let him off onto my desk. I wonder what he’ll do now? He can’t be the succubus I imagine, preying on my soul, albeit passively.
You know, early Kings of Leon is much more enjoyable than all this new shite. Guess that’s the way with a lot of bands.
The other night when I was at Alex’s she, Elly, Zeke and I all hung out in Zeke’s room. It was cool. He has nice lighting, heh. He also had a bass, which I must admit are exceptionally fun to play. I think I might buy one at some point. I tuned his guitar too, which was missing its high E string. Still plucked out something cool though. I really do love being able to do that. It’s almost innate now. But of course it never can truly be, hah hah.
The little spider is climbing on my hand as I’m typing. Oh, I think he just started abseiling down my arm. Oh wait. He’s climbing up my shoulder now. Hah hah, I really hope I don’t squish him accidentally.
So I’m nearly halfway through working 10 days in a row, which I will admit is a novelty for me. Once I get started on this apprenticeship it’ll be interesting to see how I adjust.
-
Look through me because I am transparent
Her to know me but why even know yourself?
I’m beginning to need all that I can’t have
I’m succeeding to speak like I’m fuckin’ mad
Am I?
--
Pick up sticks
- 11:54 am
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The week ahead
Current mood: awake
-
I’m pretty excited for this week. Or what remains of it.
After work today I’m going to meet Elly, after she finishes work. Then we’re going to her house, to crash, play Border Lands, whatever really. Then tomorrow night is the Volta concert ! And after than, depending on when it finishes, (I should text Michael) I’m going out with Lise and Matt and others . Woo student night!
Elly’s probably going to come too, after the open air movie night with Blair and friends. Then on Friday night there’s going to be a Jammie party at Paulie’s. Which it appears me, Elly and Sara are all attending. Therefore it should be awesome. Not to mention there will be lots of inebriating substances present. Nothing like a good knees-up.
Aaaaaand on Saturday there’s work in the arvo? I think? I should really check that. And on Saturday night it’s Mel’s birthday outing. So more clubbing, huzzah! I’ve got Sunday to sleep, thank you god. Or maybe something else will happen, who knows?
Either way, I’m looking forward to the weekend, which is five days long this time around ! I hope everyone else is having a fantastic time of the holidays, working, hanging out with your friends, etc.
Shell shock! Was it the cure? Hope not! What’s your name? Zero!
-
<3 Yeah Yeah Yeahs.
--
Cinque
- 11:52 am
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And the fifth lovelies. Not long now, I’m almost up to speed.
-
You take my breath away
Current mood: sleepy
Sleep smells sweet when it clings to your skin, in the half-light. Soft skin whispers away under its parallel, rustling like crisp autumn leaves.
Where has the year gone? Where has my mind gone? (Where is my mind? Way out in the water.)
Casshern was possibly the most intense movie I have ever seen.
Things are going right for the people around me and I am enriched by their happiness.
Pretty excited for sunset sounds. There is virtually no one more awesome than Karen O. She’s the fucking bomb. And then the Volta! Yeah! Got to pay Lise and Michael back. Can’t forget that. Next week and the week after I think. I’ll write that down somewhere.
I’m way out
Way out
What colour is your heartbeat? What cadence does the flow of your blood have? Is it in time? Pulsing red, neon blue, forest green beneath the soft white stretch of your translucent skin? They hum, sunshine yellow on a cloudy day, sickle celled and ash grey when you turn you eyes away from me. That throbbing bass line, tugged from thick banded metal drawn tightly over a slim wooden body. I want to jump in time. And never leave. Chronology is meaningless.
I want to thread the notes together, string them along behind me and trail a sweet, melancholy melody. The Moonlight Sonata is beyond words.
What is it that has changed in me these past few years? I couldn’t honestly tell you. To err is human they say. Thank goodness for that. But there are times when I feel enough like a fucking alien in my own skin that it’s still mildly surprising to realise that yes, I am a bipedal primate humanoid looking thing of the genus Homo Sapien. Eight fingers, ten toes and two wonderful opposable thumbs. Originally anyway. Hah hah, homo.
Enough for today. It’s surprising I don’t tire of repeating myself, and that I never realise how much like a stone thrown into the ocean this is.
Gokigenyou!
--
Sounds like some illustrious title, non? Hate to disappoint, but this is only a teeny, tiny entry. Although I won’t hesitate to say that it is quite pretty in my own opinion, which is why I am including it. And so; The Fourth.
-
Forget, but never say never. (Idiot Drugs)
Repeat, repeat, repeat. I want that trembling timidity. I can see it in your eyes, and the way that the tears that have not yet been shed glisten, conforming to your iris and magnifying your essence. I want to breathe sharply, tasting air like crisp apples, fresh and sweet on my tongue. Tart like a red, beaded raspberry, I want this feeling never to leave. Never to leave me.
A thumb, resting, reassuring, running over smooth, soft skin at an easy pace. I want to pretend that there’s never any doubt. Don’t be the thorn, be the rose. Lush, velveteen petals in a deep blood red ripple out from the small, black well the shadows cast at the centre. I would slip between them and sleep forever, surrounded by the sweetest scent, the softest embrace.
-
Gokigenyou!
--
Which I understand is Italian for three. Not entirely sure on the spelling, but the pronunciation is the ‘tr’ sound like in truck and the ‘e’ sound like at the beginning of egg. The third of my reposted blog entries, do enjoy =].
How can you sleep at night?
- Brick Shithouse - Placebo.
Meet The Brick Shithouse ..
This Is The Brick Shithouse ..
Meet The Brick Shithouse…
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Lay him down, lie on
Lay him… down
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around.
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching…
Meet the Brick Shithouse,
Kiss the Brick Shithouse,
Meet the Brick Shithouse,
Kiss.
Lay him down, lie on
Lay him… down
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around.
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching…when he’s around
When you cum you never make a single sound,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around,
When he’s around, when he’s around,
He’s around.
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Lay him down, lie on
Lay him… down
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around.
Now your lover went and put me in the ground,
I’ll be watching…when he’s around
When you cum you never make a single sound,
I’ll be watching, when he’s around,
When he’s around, when he’s around,
He’s around.
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
Don’t you wish you’d never met her ?
-
Soon enough I’ll become an Aunty for the third time. And who knows what help
me, but I’m scared. The girls, my nieces, of my brothers blood as I am. It’s
amazing the stock we put in family. It’s because we’re lumped together, isn’t
it? Of course there are some familial bonds that are strained, severed. I
looked at my sister today, and the child, the whole new human being that was swelling
within her and I couldn’t help but smile. She’s taking responsibility for
someone’s life, someone who could live for a day, or eighty years. She’s going
to love them, teach them and care for them until they’re old enough to do most
of the work.
But always the love. I know Amelia. There are several things she is. Some of
these things are, unabashed, strong, willful, caring, loyal and astute. I
remember when I was younger I thought less of her, and I can see how that came
to be. But what once made me think that has reinforced my faith in her, and I
can’t help but feel my heart swell with love when I think of her, or see her.
Of course, one remains aloof and unimpressed when they’re trying to hard to be
something not worthy of admiration. It’s amazing to recall past actions and
reflect on the motivations and such behind them, only to have them sicken you
to the stomach as they flicker through your mind.
I wish I could take a lot of things back. I wish I didn’t think a lot of the
things I do think, purely because I’m afraid of what the repercussions will be.
I don’t want to live or deal with the consequences.
There’s a lot that still mystifies me. It’s hard to
understand other people when you can’t understand yourself. But I know a little
of what motivates most people. Actually, it can be summed up in one word.
Desire. We desire to prove ourselves, to obtain something, someone, make
something of ourselves. It’s easy to identify patterns of behaviour. I try my
utmost to piece it together in people I see often. That’s right, I’m assessing
you! Hah hah, nah, chill guys. But seriously.
This weekend should be good. Supernova in the morning with
Sara and possibly Elise. I hear there’s a costume, and I’m dying to see it. I
really have to think ahead for next year, but there are so many choices. At
least there’s Louisa’s party next weekend. I’ll have to put something together
for that. Damn.
Of course there’s the baby shower. Foot massages for all! I’m
bringing my oils. That should be good. A veritable swamp of femininity, which
we all know is my forte’. At least Bridie will be there. I can tell her about
the chick I saw on the train the other day that looked almost exactly like her.
It was crazy.
And then there’s pre-drinks at mine, as I am conveniently
located near the station. Michael if you’re reading this you should come if you’re
not doing anything/ not coming already. I’ll text you regardless, so no stress.
Then we’re rolling into town for a night out. Happy hour at The Beat. Hurrah!
Hah hah. I wonder if I’ll last all night, Sinead?
And, for a lovely finale’ there will be the queer film
festival with my lovely. I forget exactly what it is we’re seeing, but knowing
Elly it’ll be artsy and fulfilling and I’ll be sad at the end of it but filled
with a renewed pride for the gay community. Man, when the heck is Pride? I need
to find out, there is no way we’re missing out this year. Sara, you must come
with me and support my gaiety, and so must you Zane. It is mandatory. As will you
Michael, because it’s lols how many men hit on you. And also because you’re my
mate, yeah ^_^?
Hmm. So yes, good weekend. Oh! I also bought dice! Finally.
They are wondrous and glittery and purple. And I will deal massive damage with
my D20 of dooooooom. Bring on the hobgoblins, Terry.
.. ..
Ah, and I swear much too much at work. And everyone thinks I’m
a cursing, drunken dyke. Which is pretty much accurate. Hah hah. ‘cept I’m not
all that drunk, except on a good night out, and an occasional night in. Serves
me right for buying a slab of cider and stashing it in the back room. But
because Cheryl is awesome, and Natalie is so affable it was a fantastic shift.
=]
Strange dreams lately. Having trouble distinguishing them
from reality. I’d rather not dream at all.
.. ..
Gokigenyou!
^_^
--
The next instalment of my repost series. Please, do enjoy.
-
Feelin’ like a motherfuck.
Current mood: amused …………
……
Insomnia by Faithless
-
I only smoke weed when I need to
And I need to get some rest
I confess, I burnt a hole in the mattress
Yes, yes, it was me, I plead guilty
And on the count of three I pull back the duvet
Make my way to the refrigerator
One dry potato inside, no lie
Not even bread, jam
When the light above my head went bam!
I can’t sleep, something’s all over me
Greasy, insomnia please release me
And let me dream about making mad love on the heath
Tearing off tights with my teeth
But there’s no relief
I’m wide awake in my kitchen
It’s dark and I’m lonely
Oh, if I could only get some sleep
Creeky noises make my skin creep
I need to get some sleep
I can’t get no sleep….
-
I was discussing religion and faith with Alex tonight, and the more we talked
about it the more I realised that we could have probably talked forever. As
interesting and engaging as that would have been, Gimi called and him and
Stewart swung ’round for a night of aimless driving. Good fun. Try not to walk
at night and be constantly alert in case of incidents of ‘coking’. That’s fair
warning to you all.
Tomorrow night a bunch of us (I presume) are going out belatedly for Amy’s
birthday. Coincidently her and Sinead were born on the same day, go figure. It
should be a good night, if I can find a damn pair of shoes.
I’m having a brief love affair with Egyptian cotton. Towels, sheets, shirts.
It’s gorgeous stuff. Come to think of it, it may actually not be brief at all.
Because everyone else is back at Uni now I’m working pretty much every weekday
which I admit I am not used to. I’m looking at my textbooks and finding that
everything still makes sense, so I haven’t completely relapsed. I have four
veritable tomes that I have vaguely promised to commit to memory, or at least
become very familiar with. But then I have another book quest which involves
tracking down the first two books in a Robin Hobb trilogy, the third of which I
stupidly bought thinking it was standalone. I am looking forward to reading
them however, after I’m done with Wicked, which I have enjoyed quite a bit. I
must track that guy down, too. The author.
So, now with work, Tora on Monday and Thursday nights (if I’m not working too
late or seeing Elly or doing various other things) there are also Tuesday nights
which are quickly becoming the most anticipated night of the week, for reasons
I am hesitant to state. Pshaw.
Back to what Alex and I were discussing. It was to do with the people we know,
and how people seem linked by faith. I said (perhaps callously, perhaps
incorrectly) that Christianity is a default religion in the western world. That
doesn’t make it any less significant of course. Because let’s face it, it’s
pretty much the biggest thing since sliced bread. Hah hah, get what I was about
to type next; ‘God only knows why.’ Look at that. What a prime example. It’s
subliminal. Why would god know? I don’t believe in a god. Any kind, regardless
of religion.
That’s what’s so great about Christianity though. Isn’t it something that you
can just fall into? It’s like a big ole security blanket. And because it’s so present
here, it’s harder to question it. It’s a shame that we need the networks that
religion creates to support us through life. I kind of a see it as needing a
crutch, something to explain infinity away. It may seem stupid to a lot of
people, but I believe that there are simply some things that we won’t be able
to comprehend. There are probably millions upon millions of things. Then
questions crop up. Where did life come from? How was the universe created?
Well. we’ve got theories. The ones based on fact (thank you, Science) certainly
seem plausible.
Ages ago though, people made things up to explain what they didn’t understand,
or simply because they could get away with the craziest things. Myths, legends,
stories. Things to explain why things are as they are. We retain a lot of
these, and they’re fanciful tales. Weaving in and out of the fabric of human
history right up to the present. I wonder, is religion so different? The ideas
of one person, or a group of people forged into an organisation, a following, a
family. However you wish to describe it. The ideas give birth to ideals and
rules for the groups and they began to justify their way of thinking with
stories, tales, recounts of disciples, prophets and leaders deeds. It’s a
wonderful, amazing thing. How humanity seems to create itself from nothing. And
the weight of the meaning of the word ‘humanity.’
And sometimes I think a little too much, and I’m overwhelmed by input, when I
try to take in everything that I can see, every nuance of existence of every
object on my desk. Matches - hardwood plantations - chainsaws - wildlife -
every cigarette that flares into life. Water - Source - spring - detritus -
fish - larvae -leaves - plants - factory - bottle.
It makes my head ache in a melancholy way. Like there’s something out there
beyond my reach. But I don’t mind, not so much. It’s sad, sure, but we can live
with sadness. We live, isn’t that the most important thing!? This consciousness
we possess? We wouldn’t know the difference if we were dead, yet to be born, or
never to be born at all. But we are here, no? And it’s full of sensation! I
want to savour it all. Of course, some of it I will recoil from, but it’s all
experience that we can look back on during our short lives and either remember
fondly or attempt to erase from our minds.
The most important thing, despite all I’ve said is that you find what works for
you. Or not seek it at all, and instead choose to not define yourself and what
you believe by any name, but rather live as you do and as you will.
Kangaroo Died by Placebo
--
Well the doctor keeps me waiting
The blood in my brain
The pain in my chest
Oh Oh Oh
Only happens when it’s rainin’
The smoke in my lung
The beer in my gut
Oh Oh Oh
Feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
Feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
It’s a nightmare in the alley
The undertaker’s there
With his bowler hat
Oh Oh Oh
And his coffin eyes are empty
The ex-wife she’s there too
Grinnin’ like a Cheshire cat
Oh Oh Oh
And I’m feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
Feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
I’m tryin’ to buy a drink
But the barmaid’s cross-eyed
Why’d they let her work here?
Hell I just don’t know
I find it hard to think
Since my kangaroo died
Why’d she have to leave me?
Hell I just don’t know
I don’t know
Well the priest is at the pulpit
Tellin’ me I’m wrong
Tellin’ me I’m sickening
Oh Oh Oh
To believe him is to forfeit
Everything I am
And everything I’ll never be
Oh Oh
So I’m feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
Feelin’ like a motherfuck
The only way is down from here
Oh Oh Oh
I’m tryin’ to buy a drink
But the barmaid’s cross-eyed
Why’d they let her work here
Hell I just don’t know
I find it hard to think
Since my kangaroo died
Why’d she have to leave me
Hell I just don’t know
I don’t know
Always were the waters
Deep inside your heart
Always wanted to return
To your body
But I’m not sure I can
-
..
I apologise (though I should have done this initially) for my excessive use of lyrics. I find I want to share my favourites with others so that they have an opportunity to appreciate them, too.
--
I have a blog elsewhere that I want to move, so I’m going to repost my entries here and continue on. Please find attached my inane, senseless late-night bullshit.
Kind regards,
Bleedinglip.
-
Burning clouds around and in my solar plexus.
Current mood: awake
……………………….
I always write best when I’m out of my mind with fatigue, or
I’m just plain out of my mind. Right now I think it’s safe to say that I’m
precariously perched on the edge of one and about to teeter over into the
other.
Let me dispel any falsities before we begin. I am not a together person. That’s
probably pretty easy to tell. Together people probably don’t need to explain
themselves too often, or at least not nearly as often as I do. Nor do they need
to blog about trivial shit. And so, I reveal myself to be a whole in several
pieces;
Recently I’ve been tempted to write about many things. I’ll write them now
before I forget and fall asleep on the keyboard. Allan’s Music. Item one.
Classical or Spanish Guitars. Acrylic or nylon stringed. Broad neck, characteristically
broad head stock. Sounds like; the sweetest strumming/plucking etc. you’ve ever
heard. Only one on the racks in the entire store! It’s a massive place. There
are plenty of steel string acoustics, electrics, bass guitars. Jesus, there
were more fucking Ukuleles than there were nylon string guitars! It’s $400 but
it’s so worth it.
Item two. Downloading an entire series of anime (absolutely no fucking dubs)
only to find that it’s been subbed in French. Shit. Now there are two
languages I can’t understand. (except for the basics; hello, goodbye, thank
you. And the Japanese say thank you for just about everything. And let’s not
forget ‘Gokigenyou!’ literally - [I wish] you stay feeling happy!) To dub
anything is a form of vandalism, 99.9% of the time. It massacres the original
form of the piece and makes the watching experience wholly less enjoyable. Plus
it’s usually out of sync. Anyway, what a waste of four gig.
Sleep is coming less and less easily to me now. By my watch it’s ….1:21….. I am not used to being awake
at this hour unless I’m out doing something. Now I’m just up because I can’t
bring myself to sleep. I’ve practised the guitar more in the past few days than
I probably ever have before. Surprise, surprise, I’m getting better. hah. My
calluses are making a come back.
To distract myself I watched a lot of Strawberry Panic! It’s heartening but at
the same time depressing if you think too much into it. I’m up to episode 13,
but I’m hoping that after I’m done writing sleep will stop being so damn
elusive! So 14 will have to wait for tomorrow. And so will clarity, apparently.
I’ve become rather obsessed with this dragon egg thing. Little online fellows
that you hatch and raise and such. I’m personally not surprised by it, but a
little ashamed. They are very cute though, and that’s enough to counter any
shame I may feel. So you can fuck off before you pounce on that as some kind of
weakness. If you saw them, you’d think they were cute, too.
Also, at some point I fancied myself a bit of poet. Of course I know better
now. It seems that constant insecurity, self-doubt, sadness and general
negative feelings were the only muses I ever had. Perhaps it’s best that way,
but I for one feel very uninteresting now. Hah. ….
.. ..
In tora the other night, last night in fact, we were
covering tradition technique. The one we focused on is called ‘tiger claw’ and
it was developed as a self defense technique for women in feudal ….Japan…..
It requires a rigid claw like configuration of both hands in the typical guard position.
From there several different strikes can be delivered. Most of them are aimed
at the face. It’s not pretty, the tiger claw technique. It’s for gouging eyes,
ripping at skin. They come out a lot like you see a tiger clapping a paw on an
antelope or some such thing. Fast, hard and sharp. Definitely causes a
reaction. My personal favourite is a combination of four blows in sequence. You
basically draw a figure 8 in the air. It’s hard to explain. I’d have to show
you. Either way, it’s an epic technique, and it’s very satisfying to do. Two
Diagonal blows up across the face and then two from the other side. Brutal.
Especially if you have nails. Enough crapping on though. If I get started on
the parallels between tiger claw and kubutan technique I could be here all night.
Or all morning, if you want to think of it that way.
I’m going to post this now and you can call me a dickhead in the morning. I’ll
probably be asleep though. Which means you can go your hardest I guess.
To my friends, much love. To everyone else, the same because there’s just not
enough of it.
Gokigenyou!….
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