(no subject)
MARIJUANA
(is that spanish?)
je ne sais pas.
(is that FRENCH?!)
rachel loves brian and does not want him to commit suicide. if he committed suicide, i would commit suicide too (if i haven't already died of sadness). so don't kill yourself, please, brian. =(
nervousnervousnervous for auditions.
yes? no? AcK! i wish it was village theater. because then i wouldnt be so effing nervous. but i have to sing this song that i suck at in front of all the other kids trying out who are all better than me and i'm not sure i have the guts. i know, i know, this totally not like me. "rachel*" and "confidence" are supposed to be synonyms. ugh. its just that its the first time i've ever done anything like this since i moved and i don't have jackie here to be there for me and its just not the same. and what if everyone makes it and i dont? and what if no sound comes out of my throat during my audition? and everyones sitting there laughing at me. why the fuck do i care so fucking much? ugh. ugh ugh ugh. i'm going to tryyy my best. and breathe. and if i mess up, i'll just ask nicely if i can start over again. yes, that is what i'll do. the dancing part will be fun though =) i'm not nervous about that.
oh gosh, i love my keyboard. but i want a real piano. in my room. right under my rainbow. maybe if i sole some crap in my room on ebay or in a garage sale or just shoved it all in the basement, i could make enough money and have enough space in my room for just a simple piano, you know? i love love love love the piano and i'm going to be famous one day.
you know what else i love? my sketchbook. and drawing. and painting. and art in general. even though i'm not very good. who says you need to be good at something to have fun with it? and i don't need to be perfect at art. it's expression. there is no wrong.
AND you know what else i love?
brian. and i wish he would stop being so distand and sad. maybe i'll throw him a please-dont-be-so-depressed party. and instead of being a sleepover party like i would have for a GIRLfriend, it will be a BEAWAKEover party. which means it'll just be during the day. but we'll wear pajamas and roll out sleeping bags on the ground and eat junk food and watch movies all freaking day long. from like nine in the morning to eleven at night. and maybe we can paint each others nails and do facials =) unless that's too girly. =P oh brian, i love you. we'll be doing this next weekend. not this weekend since you'll be in phillyyyyyyyydelphia. and i hope you have lots and lots of fun there to cheer you up a bit. you can text/call me ANYTIME OF THE DAY/NIGHT if you need me AT ALL while you're there. i will be sure to have my cell phone on me at ALL TIMES.
oh fuck. you'll never guess what my fucking parents did to me today. my mom's like "rachel you have an appointment to get your flu shot on thursday" and i'm like "fuck no, i'm not going" and shes like "you're getting your flu shot or you can call mandy and tell her you can't go to florida" and i threw a fit and stomped up the stairs crying. i think i'll throw something next time she brings it up.
oh lordy. well this has been a long enough entry. goodnight.
(is that spanish?)
je ne sais pas.
(is that FRENCH?!)
rachel loves brian and does not want him to commit suicide. if he committed suicide, i would commit suicide too (if i haven't already died of sadness). so don't kill yourself, please, brian. =(
nervousnervousnervous for auditions.
yes? no? AcK! i wish it was village theater. because then i wouldnt be so effing nervous. but i have to sing this song that i suck at in front of all the other kids trying out who are all better than me and i'm not sure i have the guts. i know, i know, this totally not like me. "rachel*" and "confidence" are supposed to be synonyms. ugh. its just that its the first time i've ever done anything like this since i moved and i don't have jackie here to be there for me and its just not the same. and what if everyone makes it and i dont? and what if no sound comes out of my throat during my audition? and everyones sitting there laughing at me. why the fuck do i care so fucking much? ugh. ugh ugh ugh. i'm going to tryyy my best. and breathe. and if i mess up, i'll just ask nicely if i can start over again. yes, that is what i'll do. the dancing part will be fun though =) i'm not nervous about that.
oh gosh, i love my keyboard. but i want a real piano. in my room. right under my rainbow. maybe if i sole some crap in my room on ebay or in a garage sale or just shoved it all in the basement, i could make enough money and have enough space in my room for just a simple piano, you know? i love love love love the piano and i'm going to be famous one day.
you know what else i love? my sketchbook. and drawing. and painting. and art in general. even though i'm not very good. who says you need to be good at something to have fun with it? and i don't need to be perfect at art. it's expression. there is no wrong.
AND you know what else i love?
brian. and i wish he would stop being so distand and sad. maybe i'll throw him a please-dont-be-so-depressed party. and instead of being a sleepover party like i would have for a GIRLfriend, it will be a BEAWAKEover party. which means it'll just be during the day. but we'll wear pajamas and roll out sleeping bags on the ground and eat junk food and watch movies all freaking day long. from like nine in the morning to eleven at night. and maybe we can paint each others nails and do facials =) unless that's too girly. =P oh brian, i love you. we'll be doing this next weekend. not this weekend since you'll be in phillyyyyyyyydelphia. and i hope you have lots and lots of fun there to cheer you up a bit. you can text/call me ANYTIME OF THE DAY/NIGHT if you need me AT ALL while you're there. i will be sure to have my cell phone on me at ALL TIMES.
oh fuck. you'll never guess what my fucking parents did to me today. my mom's like "rachel you have an appointment to get your flu shot on thursday" and i'm like "fuck no, i'm not going" and shes like "you're getting your flu shot or you can call mandy and tell her you can't go to florida" and i threw a fit and stomped up the stairs crying. i think i'll throw something next time she brings it up.
oh lordy. well this has been a long enough entry. goodnight.