hEy eVeRyOne I'M EmO
I'm so freaking emotional. I annoy myself. If I know this, why can't I stop!!? I need to get a grip, but I can't I just gripe, and bitch, and cry, and yell. This has been a very moody week for me. And I think about it when I am alone and I have nothing to do but think or masturbate, and masurbations pretty much lost it's appeal... SO I THINK! And as I think I realize that the entire day I have been moody, and annoying, and sad, and emotional. Then I think to myself WHY? Why didn't I control myself, Why did I feel that way, WHY WHY WHY? My conclusion... At the time of the attack, I have a real reason for the attack, but after I think about it... I really don't.
I'm feeling trapped in the pregnancy, trapped in my job, and trapped in my home, and relationship. They are all connected I have to stay in this job, because it will be hard to get this settled so well in a job, so late in a pregnancy, I mean if I didn't have a job I wouldn't use the pregnancy as an excuse not to look. I feel so trapped because I HAVE TO WORK. I have to pay bills, rent, soon I will have to pay for kid shoes, and kid clothes, and toys, and all sorts of things... I knew this all along, and my point is probably not making any sense to anyone but me. I can't smoke, drink, eat sushi, eat blue cheese, drink too much pop and that is fine with me... BUT I still feel like my body no longer belongs to me. EVERY DAY AND NIGHT Aydin is INSIDE of me, and everything I breath, eat, say, and do affects his little body and mind. I just feel so overwhelmed with having another being inside of me... Again, makes sense to me. I would never do anything or consume anything I know could harm him, like smoking or drinking, and I don't resent him for that, but I just feel like I have no choices or control. I can't go live with my mom and dad, and I can't survive on my own without Brandon. My reason for feeling trapped in home and relationship.
I am happy, but sometimes for just a day I would like to not worry about anything, just lay down and not worry about rent, being pregnant, my job... I'd like to just BE for a little while. I'm always thinking and analyzing and consentrating. I'd just like to not have a messy house, not have to go to work, not have to stop myself from putting blue cheese on my salad, not have to be alone in the house, and not have to entertain anyone that is here...
I keep having flashbacks. They make me angry.
My bird jumped on a perch I was holding today, maybe tomorrow she will stay there longer, I think that things are going better in out relatinship, I have established some sort of schedule, I change her food and water in the morning, talk to her during the day, stick my hand in the cage a few times a day, and then put the sheet over the cage in the late evening. So hopefully she we be a little less sketchy in the coming weeks. Maybe she will willingly jump on my and come out of her cage. PS Erin, did you find the books?
I miss everyone.
I'm feeling trapped in the pregnancy, trapped in my job, and trapped in my home, and relationship. They are all connected I have to stay in this job, because it will be hard to get this settled so well in a job, so late in a pregnancy, I mean if I didn't have a job I wouldn't use the pregnancy as an excuse not to look. I feel so trapped because I HAVE TO WORK. I have to pay bills, rent, soon I will have to pay for kid shoes, and kid clothes, and toys, and all sorts of things... I knew this all along, and my point is probably not making any sense to anyone but me. I can't smoke, drink, eat sushi, eat blue cheese, drink too much pop and that is fine with me... BUT I still feel like my body no longer belongs to me. EVERY DAY AND NIGHT Aydin is INSIDE of me, and everything I breath, eat, say, and do affects his little body and mind. I just feel so overwhelmed with having another being inside of me... Again, makes sense to me. I would never do anything or consume anything I know could harm him, like smoking or drinking, and I don't resent him for that, but I just feel like I have no choices or control. I can't go live with my mom and dad, and I can't survive on my own without Brandon. My reason for feeling trapped in home and relationship.
I am happy, but sometimes for just a day I would like to not worry about anything, just lay down and not worry about rent, being pregnant, my job... I'd like to just BE for a little while. I'm always thinking and analyzing and consentrating. I'd just like to not have a messy house, not have to go to work, not have to stop myself from putting blue cheese on my salad, not have to be alone in the house, and not have to entertain anyone that is here...
I keep having flashbacks. They make me angry.
My bird jumped on a perch I was holding today, maybe tomorrow she will stay there longer, I think that things are going better in out relatinship, I have established some sort of schedule, I change her food and water in the morning, talk to her during the day, stick my hand in the cage a few times a day, and then put the sheet over the cage in the late evening. So hopefully she we be a little less sketchy in the coming weeks. Maybe she will willingly jump on my and come out of her cage. PS Erin, did you find the books?
I miss everyone.