Babe
I like coming here to post when I know I definitely want to write about something but I'm not exactly sure I want tumblr to hear it, so I'll just write it all down here and decide later. But I just need to talk about Miranda because she is making me so incredibly happy, I forgot that someone could do this to me.
I was single for two and a half years. Since February of my senior year of highschool until the end of July before my junior year of college. I know I definitely needed some time to figure things out and work on myself. I did a lot of that, I wasnt sure how long it would take before I'd let myself fall for someone again. Commitment is a hard thing for me especially when I've hurt so many people.
I met Miranda my second day of freshman year at Iowa. My roommate at the time, Danica, and her had been in the same orientation group over the summer so we just kinda met up and hung out for a little. At that time Miranda was still kind of sort of technically straight, but yeah we stayed friends and kept in touch over the next year. I think at some point in the spring freshman year she confided in me that she thought she was bi. But even at this point we were never really close. I'd see her maybe once a month, she had her group of friends , and I had mine, we were like close acquaintances.
It wasn't until the fall of sophomore year, almost a year ago when she began to pique my interest. Me and my friends all went to this lesbian party one weekend. (By now Miranda was a completely out lesbian). She's a dancer, she was on the dance team in high school and she competed in dance her entire life, but that party was the first time I got to actually see her dance and I'm pretty sure I spent the whole night with my jaw dropped. I was very fixated on her, and many many times I had thought that maybe I should kiss her. After that party we didn't see each other for a long time, and she started dating this girl named Ali, whom she met at the party. They only lasted a few months, and they never really became official but I knew it wasnt anything too serious based on what I heard from Sam about what Miranda said. Toward the end of sophomore year I realized Miranda was in my same econ class but at a different time, and it was later in the day so I told her I was going to start coming to her lectures. She thought I was going because they were at noon instead of 9:30 am, which I mean, was definitely convenient but I just liked seeing her every other day.
Now the end of the school year through like the middle of summer is very complicated. I started kind of seeing this girl named Laura. She was a freshman (now a sophomore) and on the rowing team, and she was definitely attractive. But she was getting out of a four year on and off again relationship with someone and we were both very wishy washy. I also started hanging out with Miranda a lot more, and IC Pride was June 15th, and that was the day when I finally thought to myself "I think I actually like Miranda."
Which was a very tricky situation since Laura was also there and in the picture, and that night we all went back to Miranda's house and while I was cuddling with Laura I knew I shouldnt have been jealous of Sam cuddling with Miranda.
Fifteen days later, June 30th, it's Chicago Pride, and by this point Laura is just very apathetic and I sort of am too, and I'm at the point where I'm just ready to give up on it. She wasnt with us at Chicago Pride but Miranda was and I wanted to be by her the entire trip. We held hands at one point, not really in any romantic way because all of us were all holding hands all weekend, but butterflies erupted in my stomach and I got chills. It was probably 15 seconds of hand holding and I wanted more of it immediately. The entire weekend Miranda and I had joked that if we saw protesters we would have someone take a picture of us kissing in front of them. (Which was also the text post that sparked our "fake" relationship on tumblr, but thats another long story.)
We never saw any protesters and I was so upset about it. But on the drive back, there were only four of us, and Miranda and I were in the backseat, and for about an hour and a half to two hours of that trip I fell asleep on her chest and it was heaven. We finally all got home that night, I walked into my room and immediately texted Noelle "Yep I like Miranda."
Now here's where things get complicated.
That next day, Monday, I got a text from Sam, my best friend. She said "Can I tell you something in confidence?" and I say of course, and she goes "I think I like Miranda." To say that it felt like I got shot through the heart would be a huge understatement, it was the worst thing that could have happened. I value mine and Sam's friendship like crazy so I didnt want to lie to her and I told her that I thought I liked Miranda too. But that I was still sort of working things out with Laura. (Sidenote: the weekend coming up was 4th of july weekend and laura was going back to the suburbs to visit her best friend and i was going home to see the fam, so we were gonna hangout and I was going to see how it went from there.) I told Sam that I never want a girl to come between us and that if Miranda makes sam happy than i'll back off and support her.
Fourth of July weekend came and things with Laura were very "blah." We don't really click, there's no spark, it's like we were trying to be together because we felt like we had to, but neither of us really wanted it. Oh and I found out the night we got back that Laura and her best friend Emma (whom Noelle liked/likes) fucked each other like two nights before. Needless to say Laura and I were done after that weekend.
The first person I saw that next day was Miranda, and during the summer we all always met on the Pentacrest which is a big grassy area in between a lot of school buildings and I remember she ran to me across the pentacrest and gave me a huge hug and I ended up blurting out the whole story about happened with Laura and she hugged me again and said I deserved a lot better.
At this point, I'm still not supposed to like Miranda and I'm supposed to let Sam make her move or whatever, and I love Sam she's my best friend but when it comes to girls she moves sooooo sloooowwlllyyyy. And she can't make up her mind whether she really likes someone or not or whether she should go out with them. So for the next two or three weeks I just sit and wait. I don't make a move, I don't ask Miranda out, and during all this time I think Miranda and Sam hung out like once maybe? And I was so sure of my feelings I was so sure that I liked her, and the fact that Sam was really unsure, and the fact that I had no idea what Miranda felt was killing me.
It was July 18th...I remember the date very well. Sam and I hung out and I remember feeling really guilty and anxious because at this point, like everybody knows. Everyone knows I really like Miranda(aside from Miranda), everyone knows that sam kind of likes her too and that I'm not entirely backing off like I should, even though I hadnt really done anything yet. I got home from hanging with her and was feeling soooo anxious and texting Miranda and I literally couldnt hold it in any longer, the guilt, and the fear, and the anger, I told her everything. I told her I really liked her, and I told her that I couldnt do anything because Sam liked her too, and I rambled for 10 straight texts.
The very first sentence she replied with was "Holy shit you like me back." I swear I almost cried with elation. She liked me back. We talked for a long time about all of it. But we also talked about the Sam situation, and how we both have to talk to her before we can do anything. Miranda I think was leaving for vacation that weekend so couldnt talk to Sam until she got back. The plan was we were going to lay low until Miranda told Sam that she just wanted to be friends and until I talked to Sam about initiating things with Miranda.
About a week later, we still havent seen each other, in order to try and not "go behind Sam's back", and Miranda was hanging out with Sam in order to tell her. We werent supposed to see each other but at this point if I didn't see her soon my anxiety was going to get the best of me and I was going to run. She didnt get done hanging with Sam until about midnight and I was already downtown waiting and texted her "I want to see you."
She picked me up in her car and we went to a park, we had our first kiss that night and we sat and cuddled in the park bridge for almost three hours until 3 am just talking and being in each others presence. It felt so right, and I was so happy.
But I still hadnt talked to Sam.
That next day I invited Sam to go out and play frisbee and I told her that I wanted to start things with Miranda but if she needed some time to get over her or get used to the idea or something I would give it to her. Finals were coming up and then I was going home for three weeks, and Sam said that by the time I got back from finals she would be okay. Miranda and I had to wait four weeks.
It was bad enough that I was going to be home and away from her for three weeks but we couldnt be public or official or just together for four weeks. We saw each other again a few more times before I went home, and those three weeks for us was actually sort of nice in a way.
We talked a lot and learned a lot about each other, we called each other, and skyped too. It was testing for us, to do that right at the beginning but it didnt knock us back at all. Sam and I had another long talk about three weeks in to the four week time interval and I sort of just outright told her that Miranda makes me very happy and I want to be with her. Sam gave me her blessing and thats the night we became "official" when really it had been about three weeks prior.
Since I've gotten back to Iowa City, which has been for exactly two weeks I have fallen so hard for her and I don't even know what to do with myself. I have never had someone care for me this genuinely and purely. She is such a beautiful person, she never wants to hurt anyone. She is so good to me and I have no idea what I did to deserve her. I wake up in her arms in the morning and there is nothing that can go wrong. I feel so safe with her and that is really huge for me, with my anxiety. Thats another thing, she doesnt have anxiety but because I do have it she's researched it and read as much as she can on how to help people that have anxiety attacks. I had a bad breakdown the first night of classes, and she drove over and just held me for about an hour. Then we went on a drive and she just held my hand, it was the best thing she could have done for me.
She doesn't think she's anything special, and she tells me all the time that she's the lucky one, but I just wish she could see how amazing she is. I always tell her that I'm going to keep saying it until she finally believes me. She met all of my family over Labor Day weekend and they all loved her, my dad especially.
I'm already so excited just thinking about future things we can do together, and I want this relationship to be a really long one.
I was single for two and a half years. Since February of my senior year of highschool until the end of July before my junior year of college. I know I definitely needed some time to figure things out and work on myself. I did a lot of that, I wasnt sure how long it would take before I'd let myself fall for someone again. Commitment is a hard thing for me especially when I've hurt so many people.
I met Miranda my second day of freshman year at Iowa. My roommate at the time, Danica, and her had been in the same orientation group over the summer so we just kinda met up and hung out for a little. At that time Miranda was still kind of sort of technically straight, but yeah we stayed friends and kept in touch over the next year. I think at some point in the spring freshman year she confided in me that she thought she was bi. But even at this point we were never really close. I'd see her maybe once a month, she had her group of friends , and I had mine, we were like close acquaintances.
It wasn't until the fall of sophomore year, almost a year ago when she began to pique my interest. Me and my friends all went to this lesbian party one weekend. (By now Miranda was a completely out lesbian). She's a dancer, she was on the dance team in high school and she competed in dance her entire life, but that party was the first time I got to actually see her dance and I'm pretty sure I spent the whole night with my jaw dropped. I was very fixated on her, and many many times I had thought that maybe I should kiss her. After that party we didn't see each other for a long time, and she started dating this girl named Ali, whom she met at the party. They only lasted a few months, and they never really became official but I knew it wasnt anything too serious based on what I heard from Sam about what Miranda said. Toward the end of sophomore year I realized Miranda was in my same econ class but at a different time, and it was later in the day so I told her I was going to start coming to her lectures. She thought I was going because they were at noon instead of 9:30 am, which I mean, was definitely convenient but I just liked seeing her every other day.
Now the end of the school year through like the middle of summer is very complicated. I started kind of seeing this girl named Laura. She was a freshman (now a sophomore) and on the rowing team, and she was definitely attractive. But she was getting out of a four year on and off again relationship with someone and we were both very wishy washy. I also started hanging out with Miranda a lot more, and IC Pride was June 15th, and that was the day when I finally thought to myself "I think I actually like Miranda."
Which was a very tricky situation since Laura was also there and in the picture, and that night we all went back to Miranda's house and while I was cuddling with Laura I knew I shouldnt have been jealous of Sam cuddling with Miranda.
Fifteen days later, June 30th, it's Chicago Pride, and by this point Laura is just very apathetic and I sort of am too, and I'm at the point where I'm just ready to give up on it. She wasnt with us at Chicago Pride but Miranda was and I wanted to be by her the entire trip. We held hands at one point, not really in any romantic way because all of us were all holding hands all weekend, but butterflies erupted in my stomach and I got chills. It was probably 15 seconds of hand holding and I wanted more of it immediately. The entire weekend Miranda and I had joked that if we saw protesters we would have someone take a picture of us kissing in front of them. (Which was also the text post that sparked our "fake" relationship on tumblr, but thats another long story.)
We never saw any protesters and I was so upset about it. But on the drive back, there were only four of us, and Miranda and I were in the backseat, and for about an hour and a half to two hours of that trip I fell asleep on her chest and it was heaven. We finally all got home that night, I walked into my room and immediately texted Noelle "Yep I like Miranda."
Now here's where things get complicated.
That next day, Monday, I got a text from Sam, my best friend. She said "Can I tell you something in confidence?" and I say of course, and she goes "I think I like Miranda." To say that it felt like I got shot through the heart would be a huge understatement, it was the worst thing that could have happened. I value mine and Sam's friendship like crazy so I didnt want to lie to her and I told her that I thought I liked Miranda too. But that I was still sort of working things out with Laura. (Sidenote: the weekend coming up was 4th of july weekend and laura was going back to the suburbs to visit her best friend and i was going home to see the fam, so we were gonna hangout and I was going to see how it went from there.) I told Sam that I never want a girl to come between us and that if Miranda makes sam happy than i'll back off and support her.
Fourth of July weekend came and things with Laura were very "blah." We don't really click, there's no spark, it's like we were trying to be together because we felt like we had to, but neither of us really wanted it. Oh and I found out the night we got back that Laura and her best friend Emma (whom Noelle liked/likes) fucked each other like two nights before. Needless to say Laura and I were done after that weekend.
The first person I saw that next day was Miranda, and during the summer we all always met on the Pentacrest which is a big grassy area in between a lot of school buildings and I remember she ran to me across the pentacrest and gave me a huge hug and I ended up blurting out the whole story about happened with Laura and she hugged me again and said I deserved a lot better.
At this point, I'm still not supposed to like Miranda and I'm supposed to let Sam make her move or whatever, and I love Sam she's my best friend but when it comes to girls she moves sooooo sloooowwlllyyyy. And she can't make up her mind whether she really likes someone or not or whether she should go out with them. So for the next two or three weeks I just sit and wait. I don't make a move, I don't ask Miranda out, and during all this time I think Miranda and Sam hung out like once maybe? And I was so sure of my feelings I was so sure that I liked her, and the fact that Sam was really unsure, and the fact that I had no idea what Miranda felt was killing me.
It was July 18th...I remember the date very well. Sam and I hung out and I remember feeling really guilty and anxious because at this point, like everybody knows. Everyone knows I really like Miranda(aside from Miranda), everyone knows that sam kind of likes her too and that I'm not entirely backing off like I should, even though I hadnt really done anything yet. I got home from hanging with her and was feeling soooo anxious and texting Miranda and I literally couldnt hold it in any longer, the guilt, and the fear, and the anger, I told her everything. I told her I really liked her, and I told her that I couldnt do anything because Sam liked her too, and I rambled for 10 straight texts.
The very first sentence she replied with was "Holy shit you like me back." I swear I almost cried with elation. She liked me back. We talked for a long time about all of it. But we also talked about the Sam situation, and how we both have to talk to her before we can do anything. Miranda I think was leaving for vacation that weekend so couldnt talk to Sam until she got back. The plan was we were going to lay low until Miranda told Sam that she just wanted to be friends and until I talked to Sam about initiating things with Miranda.
About a week later, we still havent seen each other, in order to try and not "go behind Sam's back", and Miranda was hanging out with Sam in order to tell her. We werent supposed to see each other but at this point if I didn't see her soon my anxiety was going to get the best of me and I was going to run. She didnt get done hanging with Sam until about midnight and I was already downtown waiting and texted her "I want to see you."
She picked me up in her car and we went to a park, we had our first kiss that night and we sat and cuddled in the park bridge for almost three hours until 3 am just talking and being in each others presence. It felt so right, and I was so happy.
But I still hadnt talked to Sam.
That next day I invited Sam to go out and play frisbee and I told her that I wanted to start things with Miranda but if she needed some time to get over her or get used to the idea or something I would give it to her. Finals were coming up and then I was going home for three weeks, and Sam said that by the time I got back from finals she would be okay. Miranda and I had to wait four weeks.
It was bad enough that I was going to be home and away from her for three weeks but we couldnt be public or official or just together for four weeks. We saw each other again a few more times before I went home, and those three weeks for us was actually sort of nice in a way.
We talked a lot and learned a lot about each other, we called each other, and skyped too. It was testing for us, to do that right at the beginning but it didnt knock us back at all. Sam and I had another long talk about three weeks in to the four week time interval and I sort of just outright told her that Miranda makes me very happy and I want to be with her. Sam gave me her blessing and thats the night we became "official" when really it had been about three weeks prior.
Since I've gotten back to Iowa City, which has been for exactly two weeks I have fallen so hard for her and I don't even know what to do with myself. I have never had someone care for me this genuinely and purely. She is such a beautiful person, she never wants to hurt anyone. She is so good to me and I have no idea what I did to deserve her. I wake up in her arms in the morning and there is nothing that can go wrong. I feel so safe with her and that is really huge for me, with my anxiety. Thats another thing, she doesnt have anxiety but because I do have it she's researched it and read as much as she can on how to help people that have anxiety attacks. I had a bad breakdown the first night of classes, and she drove over and just held me for about an hour. Then we went on a drive and she just held my hand, it was the best thing she could have done for me.
She doesn't think she's anything special, and she tells me all the time that she's the lucky one, but I just wish she could see how amazing she is. I always tell her that I'm going to keep saying it until she finally believes me. She met all of my family over Labor Day weekend and they all loved her, my dad especially.
I'm already so excited just thinking about future things we can do together, and I want this relationship to be a really long one.