Disbeliefe
I don't know why it had to be this way.... I didn't want this, I didn't want it. I wish so much things could be any other way, anything but how they are now. I'd do anything in the world for this not to be real, anything!
I hadn't cried until today. Then I suddenly burst out crying in front of my roommate. I forced myself to stop fast. I hate to cry when people are around. I doubt she knew why started crying... I'm not totally sure how much she knows. She knows what I've said, but maybe that's all. No one really knows much. I haven't told anyone anything really. Word is slowly getting around campus. I wish it wasn't.... I can't stand facing it, or facing people who know anything at all about it... but I cried because I was totally broken inside. I cried because I couldn't hold it in anymore, couldn't be strong anymore, but I only cried for a few seconds before I controled myself again. I have to pretend to everyone that nothing is wrong. I look at people and wonder what they know, what they are thinking. I wonder if they think I did something to deserve it. No one talks about it, the people who know anything about it. They just look at me strange and talk about things other than that. I wish I could read minds and see what they are really thinking when they look at me. But I don't want to tell anyone, don't want to start anything either. No one can know the truth. I don't want anyone to know anything at all!!! I have to be strong and pretend to be fine or I might simply die.
It's a good thing I am so busy, at least I have something to do.
I hadn't cried until today. Then I suddenly burst out crying in front of my roommate. I forced myself to stop fast. I hate to cry when people are around. I doubt she knew why started crying... I'm not totally sure how much she knows. She knows what I've said, but maybe that's all. No one really knows much. I haven't told anyone anything really. Word is slowly getting around campus. I wish it wasn't.... I can't stand facing it, or facing people who know anything at all about it... but I cried because I was totally broken inside. I cried because I couldn't hold it in anymore, couldn't be strong anymore, but I only cried for a few seconds before I controled myself again. I have to pretend to everyone that nothing is wrong. I look at people and wonder what they know, what they are thinking. I wonder if they think I did something to deserve it. No one talks about it, the people who know anything about it. They just look at me strange and talk about things other than that. I wish I could read minds and see what they are really thinking when they look at me. But I don't want to tell anyone, don't want to start anything either. No one can know the truth. I don't want anyone to know anything at all!!! I have to be strong and pretend to be fine or I might simply die.
It's a good thing I am so busy, at least I have something to do.