Music thoughts
I've played an instrument since I was young. Not always by choice, but it was one of the keys into playing with my parents and their friends. We were all musicians. I played music and danced before (really) I had conversations with friends.
Now I'm at a turning point. I won't continue with the guitar. I won't. But I don't really want to play anything else either. And because of that, I really feel like I'm letting someone down. I've seen the good that it can do, how it can transform a place into something that feels homey and comfortable, but .. those things of why I should do it.. don't match up with why I would want to do it. I've started cooking, and that has very organically come up as something that I both feel strongly about (as a political thing/home grown sort of thing) and I really like doing. But playing music right now just isn't it.
I feel like I'm missing the train, like everyone's having a good time, and I'm not because I'm being this willful child who is determined to turn her back on everything. I know that's not true, logically, but it feels like that. Music is my parents' life, besides what they do for a living.
However. I think right now I really, REALLY have to trust that there is something in store for me, and I will find it, I will be guided to it. I don't know how, by whom, or what, but there is something. And perhaps down the road I will feel the spark to play something.
Actually, on second thought (keeping all that up there because I think it's important), I just came to a realization about this stuff.
When you start out playing an instrument, anything, you generally don't start out because you want to be like a beginner (or perhaps it's because you're just drawn to the instrument itself, and that resonance keeps you coming back to it) -- usually it's a virtuoso who captures the interest. But the thing is, I'm never going to sound a virtuoso, not at the beginning. It's an ideal that I want to strive towards. But in the middle there, somewhere between just starting and getting good at it, I have to come to a point of understanding with myself that I'm not coming back because I want to be like X, but rather because I want IT, the relationship between myself and the instrument.
I get lost if the goal is to be like X. I think badly of myself, etc etc, because I CAN'T live up to that ideal, at least not as fast I'd like to, no matter how hard I try. Learning an instrument takes time, period. And dedication, and practice. I don't remember a lot of when I learned ukelele or guitar. I remember it took a good few months, every day practicing for about 20 minutes on my favorite songs, to get really comfortable singing and playing at the same time (what a delicious challenge that was, though!), and even then I had difficulty syncing up my timing with those I would play music with. But still, I did it, and I can do it now without thinking, on the guitar.
But at the same time, I am very much drawn to the violin. There's an incredible magic about it. It almost seems like too much to play it -- not too hard, exactly, but like it's getting too close, or too overwhelming. I don't know if it's because it's in the shape of the female body (I'd never thought about that until a friend brought it up, so there must be something else to it for me), but it draws me.
I think right now I'm also in a place where I 'want it all'. I want stability, a job (April, I am so ready for you!), you know, a life. But right after college, that is generally the desire, and that is generally not how it happens. I'm not having kids, not getting married, not buying a house, etc etc. So I have to take things slow, even if that feels painful. Wading through this transition is one of the hardest things ever, I think, for everyone.
I think I will pick up the violin (OK, I have difficulty calling it that. Feels far too formal. Fiddle is what I grew up with, and that's what I'm going to call it.) when I'm ready. I'm not throwing it away entirely. There's still room.
One thing that has to get up before I feel like doing much of anything is my energy. MUST TAKE MORE IRON. And that will rise, shortly, I think. I miss playing music.
Now I'm at a turning point. I won't continue with the guitar. I won't. But I don't really want to play anything else either. And because of that, I really feel like I'm letting someone down. I've seen the good that it can do, how it can transform a place into something that feels homey and comfortable, but .. those things of why I should do it.. don't match up with why I would want to do it. I've started cooking, and that has very organically come up as something that I both feel strongly about (as a political thing/home grown sort of thing) and I really like doing. But playing music right now just isn't it.
I feel like I'm missing the train, like everyone's having a good time, and I'm not because I'm being this willful child who is determined to turn her back on everything. I know that's not true, logically, but it feels like that. Music is my parents' life, besides what they do for a living.
However. I think right now I really, REALLY have to trust that there is something in store for me, and I will find it, I will be guided to it. I don't know how, by whom, or what, but there is something. And perhaps down the road I will feel the spark to play something.
Actually, on second thought (keeping all that up there because I think it's important), I just came to a realization about this stuff.
When you start out playing an instrument, anything, you generally don't start out because you want to be like a beginner (or perhaps it's because you're just drawn to the instrument itself, and that resonance keeps you coming back to it) -- usually it's a virtuoso who captures the interest. But the thing is, I'm never going to sound a virtuoso, not at the beginning. It's an ideal that I want to strive towards. But in the middle there, somewhere between just starting and getting good at it, I have to come to a point of understanding with myself that I'm not coming back because I want to be like X, but rather because I want IT, the relationship between myself and the instrument.
I get lost if the goal is to be like X. I think badly of myself, etc etc, because I CAN'T live up to that ideal, at least not as fast I'd like to, no matter how hard I try. Learning an instrument takes time, period. And dedication, and practice. I don't remember a lot of when I learned ukelele or guitar. I remember it took a good few months, every day practicing for about 20 minutes on my favorite songs, to get really comfortable singing and playing at the same time (what a delicious challenge that was, though!), and even then I had difficulty syncing up my timing with those I would play music with. But still, I did it, and I can do it now without thinking, on the guitar.
But at the same time, I am very much drawn to the violin. There's an incredible magic about it. It almost seems like too much to play it -- not too hard, exactly, but like it's getting too close, or too overwhelming. I don't know if it's because it's in the shape of the female body (I'd never thought about that until a friend brought it up, so there must be something else to it for me), but it draws me.
I think right now I'm also in a place where I 'want it all'. I want stability, a job (April, I am so ready for you!), you know, a life. But right after college, that is generally the desire, and that is generally not how it happens. I'm not having kids, not getting married, not buying a house, etc etc. So I have to take things slow, even if that feels painful. Wading through this transition is one of the hardest things ever, I think, for everyone.
I think I will pick up the violin (OK, I have difficulty calling it that. Feels far too formal. Fiddle is what I grew up with, and that's what I'm going to call it.) when I'm ready. I'm not throwing it away entirely. There's still room.
One thing that has to get up before I feel like doing much of anything is my energy. MUST TAKE MORE IRON. And that will rise, shortly, I think. I miss playing music.