It's Where You're Going
Title:
It's Where You're Going
Chapter 1
By Persephone's Nautical Nun
I have to be honest. I look at her. I look at her in a way that I've never looked at any other girl. I look at her in a way that I don't even think I've used for guys. And it's scary.
But, everything has been scary lately. Moving to Los Angeles, starting a new school... it's all been scary.
But, nothing quite as scary as this.
But, she's worth the fear, I think. No matter how scared I get, I know that I'm going to want to be around her. That free spirit just has a way of catching me, and making me feel alive. The way she paints the world... I want that in my life.
And she's so open and free about herself. It's almost like she's not afraid of anything. The opposite of me. She's sure in who she is, and that's admirable. And she doesn't take any bullshit from people. If people don't like her and accept her for who she is, then she doesn't want to be around them. She will change for no one.
I know that somewhere in that strong, hardened shell, there's a fragile girl in there. I've seen it a few times. When she was worried about her father coming to her performance, when I saw the faintest traces of jealousy flash through her eyes on my couch the night of my horrific 'date'. I see it in the jokes she makes about how she grew up, and how many doctors she sees. That vulnerability is there.
It's the complexity that is Ashley Davies that draws me to her. Because she's all these things wrapped up in this tiny, little bundle of energy. And that energy is always changing. She'll be into something one day, and have a completely new obsession the next.
Huh, maybe she's not as sure as I thought.
But, none of this matters, because I'm sitting in the passenger seat of her car, looking at her. And I know I'm safe, because she's driving, and isn't paying any attention to dorky, naive, Spencer Carlin. Even in my moment of bravery, I'm safe.
My eyes linger on her lips for a moment. Those lips that barely touched mine before they were ripped away. Ripped away by Aiden. I was right. It was stupid for both of us to have a competition over him. Ashley, the open lesbian, and me, the confused straight girl... or bisexual... or lesbian... I don't know.
I zone out and think back to that night; how her breath mingled with mine, the soft brush of her fingertips against my cheek. And then I think of how I rushed out after Aiden came back in. It didn't feel right, kissing her under those circumstances. She tried to reassure me, sure, but it just wasn't right. I wanted kissing Ashley to be something special. Because I know that whatever happens, if it happens, it'll be something I remember forever. I would just like it to be a pleasant memory.
When I was kissing Aiden, I was thinking about Ashley. That much is certain in my mind. I just wish I knew how deep these feelings went. Am I attracted to all girls, or just her? And am I only attracted to her because I know that she wouldn't reject me on the grounds that we're both girls? I don't have the answers to these questions. I don't know what I am, but I know that I like her. I know that I like her, but I don't know if I want to be with her. I know that I don't want to hurt her. She's been hurt too many times in her life. And if I start something with her, and this turns out to just be a phase, that would hurt her.
I have the potential to hurt the great Ashley Davies.
No. I'm getting ahead of myself. Yes, she told me that she was thinking of me while kissing Aiden, too, but I also know that Ashley's all about sex. But, she wouldn't do that to me, would she? I don't think she's capable of using me and then tossing me aside like every one else in her life has done to her. Or maybe she is. Maybe that's all she knows. You always hurt the ones you love.
I must have zoned out for longer than I thought, because I've just noticed her looking expectantly at me. I notice the car has stopped and I take a quick look out my window to figure out where I am. I'm home. She's taken me straight home after school. That's not normal for Ashley.
I look back at her and ask lamely, “What?” I know she has said something by the expression on her face.
“Are we going to talk about the other night, or what?”
I hadn't expected Ashley to bring it up. She seemed too wild and free to worry about it.
“Yeah, if you want.” I look around nervously, waiting for her to start the conversation, then realize that sitting out in her car in my driveway might not be the best place to have it. My mom already dislikes her. I'm not looking to give her reason to dislike her more.
I sigh and lick my lips before continuing. My mouth has suddenly gotten dry. “Do you want to come up?”
She gave me a slow nod and opened her door on the pretense of getting out of the car. Before she leaves, though, I feel her hand on mine. I raise my head to meet her eyes and I'm greeted with a small, knowing, reassuring smile. She gives my hand a small squeeze before letting it go and getting out of the car.
My hand tingles all the way to my room.
Author: Persephone's Nautical Nun
Rating: PG-13
Pairing(s)/Character(s): Spencer / Ashley
Summary: Spencer's trying to figure out where she stands with Ashley.
Spoilers/Warnings: Takes place after Friends With Benefits.