(no subject)
I had such an amazing week with_haywire_ and havent laughed so hard with the same person in a very very long time. I hung out with some people I have wanted to see both at all and out of the clubs/bars for the first time in years. I remembered this week what I used to feel around my friends. I know I have been out a lot lately and you guys have been great but I distanced myself for years and I am opening up again. This is about the time that I usually inadvertently get my heart broken because i am so open with people. I need to try to be more careful this time I am opening up.
I got a root canal this past monday...well the first part...and I was in so much pain I was popping valium because i ran out of my usual painkiller. I did not enjoy it I am so happy to have tramadol again. I hate feeling so lost for control of my brain. It just goes way too slow on that shit for my patience. I cant imagine always being so slow mentally. What a horrible way to live.
Lately I have been super wistful. What if I told this person how I felt when I had the change years ago? Why did I let great opprotunities slip by? What would happen if I traveled for another person? Would it be good or fuck up the relationship? Should I follow my heart where it takes me or stay where I am comfortable and have a great support system set up? I am talking about multiple opprotunities here. Some I like the idea more of and some are more feasible.
The only thing I know for sure is theres a fire under my ass to get started on working up this documentary. I actually dream of things like monte cazazza giving me his first interview since 1979. And fascist hats. The project is occupying all my mind not dedicated to earthly pleasures lately. I want to be super picky about my earthly pleasures though. I used to just go for anything that looked good that very second. Now I am older and think through it so much sometimes I miss my opprotunity.
This stream of consciousness is proably confusing but I have had a long euphoric day. We laughed so hard at work my belly almost still hurts.
I am having an interesting time getting to know acquaintences better. People who I have known on the out skirts of my personal circles over the years who I am finding out are quite interesting. Some of them are incredibly interesting I just didnt have the patience to really get to know them because I would only see them at clubs and I am really easily distractible there. Shiny things.
For the most part I am happier, healthier and more emotionally stable than ever. Now all I want to do is find me a super smart man with shared interests that knows me and still loves me. Even loves my quirks. And I want to find a man who understands me and can talk about all kinds of different subjects, not just music and video games. I want someone willing to commit. Someone who understands my need for family. Someone who enjoys absurd things, like some of my musical tastes and my sense of humor. I definitly want someone with a career path in something they are passionate about. I want someone who would be just as fine watching Harold and Maude as they would going out and drinking at a club or local brewery. I want someone with political views, as long as they are passionate I dont really mind what they are. If its different than the livlier the arguments :) I want someone with a dark absurd sense of humor who understands my odd take on the world. I want someone who knows about religion. Not believing is fine but its backed up by actually knowing something about why they dont believe. I want someone who understands I love my job but yearn for something better, more. As I write this I am imagining a very nice simple sigil, so I am putting these intentions into it. It would be lovely for this imaginary man to know what that past statement meant. It would be nice to have someone who appreciates my anecdotes. Hmm...someone who is competent enough in social settings to neither tag along my side like a siamese twin nor sit in a corner while I socialize. I want the kind of man who would show up one day to suprise me with stargazer lilys and a good documentary to watch perhaps over a bottle of wine or locally brewed beer. Or someone who suprises me with tickets to see a great band. I want someone I am so attracted to I can do nothing but think of them during the day. I want someone who will hold me while I fall asleep and keep their arms around me all night. I want someone I just cant keep my hands off even if its a simple nuck rub. I want someone willing to exchange massages. I want someone who appreciates my unhindered honesty. Someone who likes getting text message stories from me during the day and even responds with his own stories sometimes. I want someone who enjoys morning sex and enjoys switching dom and sub. I would love to teach someone my japanese bondage skills limited though they may be. I want someone who either works nights or realizes we will only see each other on the weekend. I want someone who knows I am really close to my family and they are as important to me as my own life. I want someone whom I can curl up and read a good (or bad) book next to. I want someone who challanges me mentally and spiritually. I want someone looking for monogamy, I tried the poly thing and it just hurt me too much. I can accept it but its just not for me. That being said I do on a rare occassion like bringing girls home to play with. Just cant do it often and cant be in a relationship with 3 people. 2 is confusing enough. I want someone willing to save up and go to germany with me someday. I want someone who knows I want to get married but dont want one of those fucking rediculous 20,000 dollar weddings. just the dress, the friends/family and the flowers. I want someone who appreciates boyd rice. His sense of humor is very similar to mine. I want someone whose family I get along with. I dont like the idea of dreading family events. I would need him to get along with my family as well. Pretty extensive list huh? I am pretty sure this man does not exist in philly. And if he does he is peoably already taken. But I can hold out hope that one day I will get what I want. Until then I am going to have well thought out safe fun. sadly I am not in high school anymore and I cant get away with what I did then. Then again I never want to do that shit again. It took years but I am not lashing out against my dad anymore.
I got a root canal this past monday...well the first part...and I was in so much pain I was popping valium because i ran out of my usual painkiller. I did not enjoy it I am so happy to have tramadol again. I hate feeling so lost for control of my brain. It just goes way too slow on that shit for my patience. I cant imagine always being so slow mentally. What a horrible way to live.
Lately I have been super wistful. What if I told this person how I felt when I had the change years ago? Why did I let great opprotunities slip by? What would happen if I traveled for another person? Would it be good or fuck up the relationship? Should I follow my heart where it takes me or stay where I am comfortable and have a great support system set up? I am talking about multiple opprotunities here. Some I like the idea more of and some are more feasible.
The only thing I know for sure is theres a fire under my ass to get started on working up this documentary. I actually dream of things like monte cazazza giving me his first interview since 1979. And fascist hats. The project is occupying all my mind not dedicated to earthly pleasures lately. I want to be super picky about my earthly pleasures though. I used to just go for anything that looked good that very second. Now I am older and think through it so much sometimes I miss my opprotunity.
This stream of consciousness is proably confusing but I have had a long euphoric day. We laughed so hard at work my belly almost still hurts.
I am having an interesting time getting to know acquaintences better. People who I have known on the out skirts of my personal circles over the years who I am finding out are quite interesting. Some of them are incredibly interesting I just didnt have the patience to really get to know them because I would only see them at clubs and I am really easily distractible there. Shiny things.
For the most part I am happier, healthier and more emotionally stable than ever. Now all I want to do is find me a super smart man with shared interests that knows me and still loves me. Even loves my quirks. And I want to find a man who understands me and can talk about all kinds of different subjects, not just music and video games. I want someone willing to commit. Someone who understands my need for family. Someone who enjoys absurd things, like some of my musical tastes and my sense of humor. I definitly want someone with a career path in something they are passionate about. I want someone who would be just as fine watching Harold and Maude as they would going out and drinking at a club or local brewery. I want someone with political views, as long as they are passionate I dont really mind what they are. If its different than the livlier the arguments :) I want someone with a dark absurd sense of humor who understands my odd take on the world. I want someone who knows about religion. Not believing is fine but its backed up by actually knowing something about why they dont believe. I want someone who understands I love my job but yearn for something better, more. As I write this I am imagining a very nice simple sigil, so I am putting these intentions into it. It would be lovely for this imaginary man to know what that past statement meant. It would be nice to have someone who appreciates my anecdotes. Hmm...someone who is competent enough in social settings to neither tag along my side like a siamese twin nor sit in a corner while I socialize. I want the kind of man who would show up one day to suprise me with stargazer lilys and a good documentary to watch perhaps over a bottle of wine or locally brewed beer. Or someone who suprises me with tickets to see a great band. I want someone I am so attracted to I can do nothing but think of them during the day. I want someone who will hold me while I fall asleep and keep their arms around me all night. I want someone I just cant keep my hands off even if its a simple nuck rub. I want someone willing to exchange massages. I want someone who appreciates my unhindered honesty. Someone who likes getting text message stories from me during the day and even responds with his own stories sometimes. I want someone who enjoys morning sex and enjoys switching dom and sub. I would love to teach someone my japanese bondage skills limited though they may be. I want someone who either works nights or realizes we will only see each other on the weekend. I want someone who knows I am really close to my family and they are as important to me as my own life. I want someone whom I can curl up and read a good (or bad) book next to. I want someone who challanges me mentally and spiritually. I want someone looking for monogamy, I tried the poly thing and it just hurt me too much. I can accept it but its just not for me. That being said I do on a rare occassion like bringing girls home to play with. Just cant do it often and cant be in a relationship with 3 people. 2 is confusing enough. I want someone willing to save up and go to germany with me someday. I want someone who knows I want to get married but dont want one of those fucking rediculous 20,000 dollar weddings. just the dress, the friends/family and the flowers. I want someone who appreciates boyd rice. His sense of humor is very similar to mine. I want someone whose family I get along with. I dont like the idea of dreading family events. I would need him to get along with my family as well. Pretty extensive list huh? I am pretty sure this man does not exist in philly. And if he does he is peoably already taken. But I can hold out hope that one day I will get what I want. Until then I am going to have well thought out safe fun. sadly I am not in high school anymore and I cant get away with what I did then. Then again I never want to do that shit again. It took years but I am not lashing out against my dad anymore.