(no subject)
I'm sorry I haven't been updating as much. I do read all of your entries, but I just haven't felt up to commenting on most.
I've just been in the dumps lately. I still don't have a job and it has been over a year and a half. I can't even get hired at the local chain stores. How freakin' pathetic is that? Now, I'm getting final collection notices from all of my student loan companies. This of course makes me feel guilty and sad and useless. Now my Mom and Step-Dad's good credit histories are going down the toilet because I can't get and keep a job. All my family talks about is how happy I'll be once I get a job. I know that's complete bull crap. No job is going to magically make me happy. I'm beginning to wonder if anything will.
I know life is what you make it, but I feel as if I am somehow broken. I am so sensitive it is ridiculous. All I can think about is death and dying. Not my death mind you (although if I didn't know I have wonderful friends and family who care about me I'd be tempted), but the death of family members. I am one of those people who never wanted to grow up because I know that each year that passes brings some of my relatives closer to their last breaths. It's like I'm suffering from grief over things that haven't even happened yet. All I can think of is "I better spend time with them now because it may be too late later." I fear the day my Mom dies.
I don't know how to act in society. I have problems with letting people get close to me. I have such low self-confidence that (as of right now) I'll never amount to much of anything. All I wanted was to be a stay-at-home Mom and a writer. How can I be a stay-at-home mom when I can't even let down my guard to let people in? I've only been on one date in my life. As for writing, I've been too sick with fear and grief to write much of anything.
I'm used to being called names because of my weight. My life experiences has taught me to fear people. I wish I was as strong as some of my friends.
Right now I feel as if I'm suffocating in fear, anxiety, guilt, depression, etc etc etc. I know that these feelings shall pass.
I've also been sick with a temp varying from 99 to 101 degrees these past few days it all started with a stiff neck and a sore throat. I'd assumed I'd gotten the sore throat from sleeping with my mouth open and the sore neck from sleeping on my Dad's couch, but now I know they were just warning signs. I'm feeling a little better today. I still have chills and last night was rough because I kept waking up, but overall I'm much better. Since I've been sick I haven't been out to look for a job. My Mom wants me to put in an application at the local licorice factory. I'll do so, but the job entails standing for over eight hours a day in one position and I'm not so sure I could handle that. My feet and knees bother me so much when I stand for too long. I know it is because I'm fat and the reason they hurt is because of all the excess weight.
I'm just ready to find that rainbow after the stormy clouds blow away. It's been raining a long time.
I've just been in the dumps lately. I still don't have a job and it has been over a year and a half. I can't even get hired at the local chain stores. How freakin' pathetic is that? Now, I'm getting final collection notices from all of my student loan companies. This of course makes me feel guilty and sad and useless. Now my Mom and Step-Dad's good credit histories are going down the toilet because I can't get and keep a job. All my family talks about is how happy I'll be once I get a job. I know that's complete bull crap. No job is going to magically make me happy. I'm beginning to wonder if anything will.
I know life is what you make it, but I feel as if I am somehow broken. I am so sensitive it is ridiculous. All I can think about is death and dying. Not my death mind you (although if I didn't know I have wonderful friends and family who care about me I'd be tempted), but the death of family members. I am one of those people who never wanted to grow up because I know that each year that passes brings some of my relatives closer to their last breaths. It's like I'm suffering from grief over things that haven't even happened yet. All I can think of is "I better spend time with them now because it may be too late later." I fear the day my Mom dies.
I don't know how to act in society. I have problems with letting people get close to me. I have such low self-confidence that (as of right now) I'll never amount to much of anything. All I wanted was to be a stay-at-home Mom and a writer. How can I be a stay-at-home mom when I can't even let down my guard to let people in? I've only been on one date in my life. As for writing, I've been too sick with fear and grief to write much of anything.
I'm used to being called names because of my weight. My life experiences has taught me to fear people. I wish I was as strong as some of my friends.
Right now I feel as if I'm suffocating in fear, anxiety, guilt, depression, etc etc etc. I know that these feelings shall pass.
I've also been sick with a temp varying from 99 to 101 degrees these past few days it all started with a stiff neck and a sore throat. I'd assumed I'd gotten the sore throat from sleeping with my mouth open and the sore neck from sleeping on my Dad's couch, but now I know they were just warning signs. I'm feeling a little better today. I still have chills and last night was rough because I kept waking up, but overall I'm much better. Since I've been sick I haven't been out to look for a job. My Mom wants me to put in an application at the local licorice factory. I'll do so, but the job entails standing for over eight hours a day in one position and I'm not so sure I could handle that. My feet and knees bother me so much when I stand for too long. I know it is because I'm fat and the reason they hurt is because of all the excess weight.
I'm just ready to find that rainbow after the stormy clouds blow away. It's been raining a long time.