Realization
So after this weekend, I've come to a rather tragic conclusion--no one TRULY loves me. Now don't get me wrong, I have a ton of terrific and wonderful friends who all care about me very much, but that's different. I'm talking about truly, completely, and whole-heartedly.
I went to a CMN leadership conference in Cincinnatti this weekend and all my friends started talking about family and how they hang out with their parents a lot and were planning vacations and what not and I realize that those are memories I've never had since my parents and I were never on really good terms. Hell, I haven't seen my parents in almost a year now; not that they ever gave a rat's ass about me in the first place. But the point being, I don't have that unconditional love from my parents.
Like I said before, I do have my friends, but in all honesty, they can only offer so much. Many of my friends are getting a lot older now and have their own lives to worry about. We're beginning to frequent other circles of friends more and more and our ties to each other fade. Most of my friends don't even return phone calls; nothing against them, I know they're busy, but I realized that there's no one I can always rely on 24/7. My friends are always unavailable when I need them most. Lately I've also noticed that I've worn out most of my emotional support base. I go through venting cylces throughout the school year and I usually need someone to lend an ear, funny thing though. Whenever my friends call me with problems, I always listen; and yet seldom does it ever go the other way. Friendships should be equal partnerships of give and take, and yet it seems they get more taking and less giving. But sometimes that is the nature of friendships. My friends aren't my parents and they aren't my life partners. I shouldn't expect for them to ALWAYS be there for me. I guess I'm more upset because now I wonder how often they can be there?
To most people, I am a happy-go-lucky guy who had a bad past, but is truly making something of himself in the world and trying to achieve all his dreams...with his own occaisional mini-dramas on the side. But if that were true, then why do I spend some nights crying myself to sleep? Not for any other reasons than because I feel lost and alone.
I used to yearn to find Mr. Right. I'd dream about how perfect he would be and how amazing our lives would be together and hoped to find him soon; and just when I thought I have found the right guy...my heart gets broken. But perhaps I expect to much. Maybe I should lower my standards a bit; so I tried just finding someone to date with whom I could have fun and enjoy my college years. Still...my heart gets broken. Too many fags are self-interested and most of the guys I've been with expect me to the sugardaddy, the caretaker. They want me to make bank and make all their wishes and dreams come true. Granted those are things I would be more than happy to do, had I the means to do them. But let's be real. I'm a poor college student struggling to make it through school, scrapping by with what little money I can get through scholarships and off my mediocre Abercrombie & Fitch salary supplemented by other side jobs here and there. In all honesty, I'm barely making it myself.
I don't even have a home anymore. I either live in dorms, friends' houses, hotels when I travel, but that's about it. Since I don't live with my parents anymore, home is truly where I sleep that night. I'm just a vagabond traveling from one place to another. I mean my fingers and toes aren't enough to count the places I've stayed just in the past month. Mail and taxes suck because I never know what to put since I honestly don't have a "permanent" address and people never know how to send me stuff because I don't even know where I'll be.
So with out a home and someone who loves me...I'm lost and alone. Why am I alive?
I went to a CMN leadership conference in Cincinnatti this weekend and all my friends started talking about family and how they hang out with their parents a lot and were planning vacations and what not and I realize that those are memories I've never had since my parents and I were never on really good terms. Hell, I haven't seen my parents in almost a year now; not that they ever gave a rat's ass about me in the first place. But the point being, I don't have that unconditional love from my parents.
Like I said before, I do have my friends, but in all honesty, they can only offer so much. Many of my friends are getting a lot older now and have their own lives to worry about. We're beginning to frequent other circles of friends more and more and our ties to each other fade. Most of my friends don't even return phone calls; nothing against them, I know they're busy, but I realized that there's no one I can always rely on 24/7. My friends are always unavailable when I need them most. Lately I've also noticed that I've worn out most of my emotional support base. I go through venting cylces throughout the school year and I usually need someone to lend an ear, funny thing though. Whenever my friends call me with problems, I always listen; and yet seldom does it ever go the other way. Friendships should be equal partnerships of give and take, and yet it seems they get more taking and less giving. But sometimes that is the nature of friendships. My friends aren't my parents and they aren't my life partners. I shouldn't expect for them to ALWAYS be there for me. I guess I'm more upset because now I wonder how often they can be there?
To most people, I am a happy-go-lucky guy who had a bad past, but is truly making something of himself in the world and trying to achieve all his dreams...with his own occaisional mini-dramas on the side. But if that were true, then why do I spend some nights crying myself to sleep? Not for any other reasons than because I feel lost and alone.
I used to yearn to find Mr. Right. I'd dream about how perfect he would be and how amazing our lives would be together and hoped to find him soon; and just when I thought I have found the right guy...my heart gets broken. But perhaps I expect to much. Maybe I should lower my standards a bit; so I tried just finding someone to date with whom I could have fun and enjoy my college years. Still...my heart gets broken. Too many fags are self-interested and most of the guys I've been with expect me to the sugardaddy, the caretaker. They want me to make bank and make all their wishes and dreams come true. Granted those are things I would be more than happy to do, had I the means to do them. But let's be real. I'm a poor college student struggling to make it through school, scrapping by with what little money I can get through scholarships and off my mediocre Abercrombie & Fitch salary supplemented by other side jobs here and there. In all honesty, I'm barely making it myself.
I don't even have a home anymore. I either live in dorms, friends' houses, hotels when I travel, but that's about it. Since I don't live with my parents anymore, home is truly where I sleep that night. I'm just a vagabond traveling from one place to another. I mean my fingers and toes aren't enough to count the places I've stayed just in the past month. Mail and taxes suck because I never know what to put since I honestly don't have a "permanent" address and people never know how to send me stuff because I don't even know where I'll be.
So with out a home and someone who loves me...I'm lost and alone. Why am I alive?